Way to go, Kyle Lohse. You might as well just come to my house and steal my money. And it's not just Lohse, it's everybody - not only the Cardinals but the entire National League. The Giants suck. I'm sorry, it's just a fact, but everyone seems to just lay down and die. The Cards, a normally excellent fielding team, have given more free runs away this series than they've scored and suddenly the Cards can't hit Barry Zito? I can't believe I'm going to have to be a Tiger fan for the Series. Gross. But I sure as **** can't root for the Giants. I feel sick. Whatever. Let's look at some chicks and talk some roundball.
38. Texas Longhorns. Similar to last year's team, this Texas squad will be deep and talented in the back court with major question marks in the front court. Dissimilar to last year's team, they won't have last year's leading scorer in the Big 12 (at 20.1ppg) J'Covan Brown, who left the team to enter the NBA draft and then didn't get drafted like a genius. Stupid name guy Myck Kabongo will be the key as the team's point guard and best player, but his status is currently in limbo due to some agent related nonsense. Although the agent is the same guy who represents Tristan Thompson and Cory Joseph and Kabongo is also part of that bizarre Canada/Texas pipeline, so I'm pretty sure he's definitely guilty of whatever. I believe suspension is the only answer.
37. Miami Hurricanes. It's very possible I'm overrating the Canes since my ranking for them (particularly ahead of FSU) doesn't seem to jibe with most others I've seen, but I like a lot about this team. Reggie Johnson and Kenny Kadji are both double-double threats at all times and averaged 22 points and 13 rebounds per game between them. Johnson is 6-10, 292 lbs. Kadji is 6-11, 242 lbs. They're both seniors so they aren't about to **** around this season. They do lose two of last year's three starting guards, but they get by far the best one back in Durand Scott, and Shane Larkin (yes, Barry's kid) is going to be in his second year and can give the Canes a real live point guard for the first time in a while. He was one of the best point guard prospects a year ago and had a decent freshman year, but it's time for him to step up to the plate and go yard from the duguot with a rosin bag before the Hurricanes boot one and strike out in the bottom of the ninth with the bases loaded.
36. Valparaiso Crusaders. Valpo won the Horizon regular season title last year before getting crushed by Detroit in the Horizon Tournament Final, but with their top two players and lots of seniors back they are the favorite to take the conference again, and hopefully (for them) not flame out again. And if they make the tournament you'll hear way too much about them because, admittedly, they're kind of an interesting team. The coach is Bryce Drew who hit the second greatest shot in NCAA Tournament history (behind that dude from Northwestern State who hit the shot to knock out Iowa because **** Iowa). Their best player (and last season's conference player of the year) was a finalist to make the Australian Olympic team. Their second best player has played internationally for both the Canary Islands and the Netherlands. They have a dude from Jamaica. They have guys who transferred from Virginia Tech, Ole Miss, Indiana, Hawaii, Cal, South Florida, and Rice. Seriously it's ridiculous. I haven't seen this many transfers since Tark's days at Fresno. Plus they have a guy with the last name Buggs, and since we all know Charles Buggs is going to be a superstar I can only assume the same for a guy who I assume is related.
35. Oklahoma State Cowboys. The Cowboys season will basically come down to what kind of changes LeBryan Nash made this offseason. Nash was the team's best player last season, should be again this year, and is probably the best player to suit up for OSU since JamesOn Curry. The bad news, however, is that he shot an appalling 39% including just 24% from three despite jacking up the second most shots on the squad (behind the departed bomber Keiton Page). He balanced out his poor shooting and shot selection by averaging just 1.5 assists per game and getting almost no steals. He's insanely talented and if he can play smarter and maybe hit a jumper here and there these guys should be in line for an NCAA bid. And hey, if everything works out he can become the next JamesOn Curry and enter the NBA draft after his junior year and then fail to get drafted in the first round. It's good to have dreams.
34. Stanford Cardinal. Yes, the dreaded Cardinal. Enders of the Gophers season and world champions of the NIT. And, as we all know, winning the NIT is a strong predictor of future success the following season. I'm just kidding of course, it means exactly jack ****. More than anything it's just says you were a crappy team that couldn't be bothered to get into the NCAA Tournament, and barring a stellar recruiting class coming in you're probably still terrible. And they are. They have a good back court in Chasson Randle and Aaron Bright and some decently experienced guys, but nothing really special. Which is why they're ranked 34th and are incredibly boring. Or maybe they're ranked 34th because they're boring? I don't know. I'm tired and hate Kyle Lohse.
Now that I think about it, Detroit gets to set their rotation with Verlander first and I assume Scherzer second and will have the option to go with JV three times. The Giants will have to go with Lincecum and Zito to start it off and will only get to throw Cain once. I'm thinking we make some money on the Tigers. We goin' Sizzla.