When it comes to James Bond, I’m not a superfan. Sure I’ve seen all of the 007 movies that have come out during my lifetime, and I’ve certainly played some Goldeneye, but it didn’t shatter my universe when Quantum of Solace sucked a bag of dicks. And let’s be clear – it sucked a bag of dicks.
The entire movie was bad except for Daniel Craig, who – despite many naysayers when he first started – has become Bond in my mind. But even with the movie being tough follow in the sense that you just didn’t feel like following it, I still had faith in the Bond franchise with Daniel Craig at the helm.
Then last night it all clicked why there were a lot of people who were generally nervous about how this movie was going to come out. I’m talking about true Bond superfans who treat the franchise the way a Trekkie reveres Star Trek, or the way your 13-year-old neighbor treasures his alone time with unrestricted internet access.
These were the people with whom I shared a theater last night. While everyone else was either sleeping or quenching their Thursday thirst, I was holed up in a theater with a bunch of Bondiacs.
And it was great.
Straight from the first scene’s epic chase, all the way to the dramatic conclusion, I was 100-percent on board for the entire ride. From time to time I would feel a little strange when people around me would giggle to themselves or whisper quietly “Oh, that’s going to be (insert important Bond character).” But it didn’t matter because the movie was great.
There wasn’t any stupid card game or convoluted revenge plot. People were going after MI6 and there was only one person who could stop it. They went so old school that all Bond gets when he’s sent on his mission is a gun and a small radio for transmitting his location.
Now, at this point in the Craig era, being fully caught up as to why Bond is a cold womanizer devoid of any true human emotions except for lust and anger, we get to see him have whatever woman he wants and be better than any man that comes across his path. In my mind that’s exactly what I want from my James Bond. The only two things my James Bond has for people are dick and bullets.
Our villain is played by Javier Bardem and he absolutely kills it. There have been some great villains over the past year and he’s right up there with Bane in my book. The depths of his depravity are on full display whenever he’s on screen. You don’t know if he’s going to kill Bond or make out with him, and his twisted relationship with M is completely transfixing.
The one area that you can always count on with a Bond movie is the plethora of beautiful women. There were three of them in this movie and they did not dissapoint. I’m going to rank them for you, but I want to be clear about one thing: There are no losers in this ranking system. Each of these girls was painfully attractive and from everything I could tell they seemed to have great personalites on top of being extremely bright and articulate.
3. Girl In The Hut
Tonia Sotiropoulou is Bond’s first love interest in them move. I’m not sure it was love as much as a drunken bender that she happened to be along for the ride on, but she still brought the heat. The only reason she’s not higher on the list is because of the living conditions. How can I be assured that she showers daily? It can’t be easy to shave your legs when you live in a hut on the beach, so what’s her method?
I’ve had many conversations (sober I swear) with my friends about if you could go back in time, strictly for the women, when would it be. Obviously right now is the peak, but if you had to go back to another time when it would be? My answer is always Ancient Egypt. Remember now that you wouldn’t be going back for the peasant women, this is a strictly royal affair. I just feel like the Egyptians had it down. They used make up and were the first to “shave.” That’s really what it all comes down to for me. Cleanliness and considerably less hair than I have on my body. I’m just not sure Tonia is able to provide those things with her current living situation so that’s why she finds herself at number three.
Naomi Harris plays Eve, a fellow MI6 agent with whom Bond has some serious sexual tension. Everything about this girl is cool. From her crazy hair, to her body. She’s just gorgeous She has that look about her that just screams “I was better than all the boys growing up at all the sports.” There’s something about English accents too, they just get to me.
Berenice Marlohe plays the exotic Severine, a bad girl with a heart of gold. I really don’t know what to say about her except that you’re not supposed to be that hot. Like… what the hell, man?
Go see this movie and try not get the opening Adele song stuck in your head. It’s damn near impossible.
EPT Grade: A