Sports writer Mike Celizic is NOT a Nigerian prince

First off, you probably have no idea who Mike Celizic is. Like I said in the headline, he's a sportswriter. He's done some stuff for a lot of publications, but I think if you do know him it's from one of two places: His work at MSNBC, or from Fire Joe Morgan's takedown in which he was called Hat Guy.

So Hat Guy was in London recently, having a jolly good time with his family. That's when it took it a turn for the worse. The Hat Guy Family was robbed and left stranded. Based on what I've seen in the Liam Neeson flick Taken, he's lucky he wasn't kidnapped and turned into a drug-addled prostitute and sold to an Arabian billionaire. Europe is scary.

What does Hat Guy do when stuck in a foreign land? Head for the U.S. Embassy? Contact the London police? Oh no. He e-mails every single person in his contact list who he has ever e-mailed to send one of his crappy columns and begs for money in a way that makes you think his Hotmail (Hotmail!) account was hacked.

The following was sent a couple days ago:

From: Mike Celizic
Subject: URGENT HELP
To:
Date: Tuesday, December 8, 2009, 5:31 AM

I'm sorry for this odd request because it might get to you too urgent but it's because of the situation of things right now,We are stuck in london right now,we came down here on vacation ,we were robbed, worse of it is that bags, cash and cards and cell phone were stolen at GUN POINT, it's such a crazy experience for us, we need help flying back home, the authorities are not being 100% supportive but the good thing is that we still have our passport but dont have enough money to get our flight ticket back home, please i need you to loan me some money, i will refund you as soon as i'm back home, i promise.

I had that Joker reaction when Gordon asks him what he's done with Dent.

Me?

Celizic used to e-mail me stories at a job I had 8 years ago, and now he's begging me for money in a poorly written, typo-filled letter? It's just like editing his old stuff, only instead of getting paid to do so, he's asking me to send him money. Sorry, Hat Guy. That first sentence is pure gibberish. Did they steal your AP Stylebook? Maybe if you capitalized London and didn't abuse the comma so much I'd help you out.

And maybe, just maybe, if you hadn't ripped David Beckham, the British authorities might've helped you out.

Don't worry. I wrote back.

From: The SSB
Subject: Re: URGENT HELP
To: Hat Guy
Date: Tuesday, December 8, 2009, 5:36 AM

I don't have money. What I do have is a particular set of skills that allows me to make your desperation e-mails more readable. If you're stranded, I will look for you, I will find you...and I will beat you to death with a dictionary.