Originally written on Puck Huffers  |  Last updated 2/21/13
riiiiight the rivalry it's doing everyone so much good h/t to garageleague on tumblr again This game began in the exact same sequence in Peter Jackson's first installment of The Hobbit where Saruman is busy trying to convince everyone that Sauron is gone for good. spoiler alert: he's not click for slightly larger Tomas Vokoun knows a thing or two about magic rings. He knows that they will kick your ass if you are not careful. The Pens start the game off with a bomb from Niskanen that awakens sleeping evil in the mountains. Laviolette takes a big time timeout to distract everyone as half-human, half-dark-angel beings enter Consol Energy Center and cast terrible spells. Meanwhile, the NBC announcing crew, unaware that evil has crossed our borders (or perhaps too aware), proceeds to dump limitless amounts of semen in the eyes, ears, and other orifices of the innocent. On some big deal power play Malkin almost scores because Bryz's glove went missing in unknown territory. But then he didn't. But then he did. At this moment in the game, you feel like a wise elder looking down from the sun-dappled slope of a hillside at your progeny's land. Perhaps you are eating fresh fruit. And thinking about what a ******* badass you are. As Gene basically metaphorically takes his dick out at the Flyers' goal. Well you actually probably suck. Bryz can see beyond into the realm of the Valar, apparently. dicks Some kind of bizarre pileup in Koun's crease leads to a.) no whistles ever and b.) a goal that gets credited to Nicklas Grossmann. Pretty sure he didn't see that coming. Probably went in off of a Pen. Then Simmonds scored. oh okay. it's 2-2. The period involves a lot of other clutching and grabbing and sobbing. The fight happens. We're over it. The second period starts off with some close calls but is in general promising. We can just dig in and-- Can we just put out a Czech Amber Alert for Jakub because we're 99% sure his mom has no idea yet that he's even in Philly and we don't think she'd be okay with it. We know some Promises have been made in Columbus to keep Jakub safe and look where he is. We are happy, in a way, that he is scoring, but not that he is so corruptible. We also think he needs a scratch test. Jakub scored late in the second and early in the third. It all blurred together like Max Talbot's childhood dreams through a haze of too much penicillin. By the time we have a minute to schedule him an appointment with an allergist and try to text his mom, TK has scored, but no one took pics because it was ultimately meaningless. Simmonds scored again like a few minutes later. Oh. For those keeping track at home, it's 5-3. Then, something happened. The Flyers got reckless as hell and went all Goblin King and took a bunch of penalties. This came after Zac Rinaldo managed to job Tanner Glass by shoving him and getting Glass's stick in his face. It was like you could hear someone smoothly jiving with the Flyers bench "SO YOU THINk THE PENGUINS CAN TAKE MINOR PENALTIES? HUH? LET'S SEE YOU COME OVER HERE AND SAY THAT" after some sobbing, James Neal put the team's hopes and fears into yet another one of his perfect shots. It was 5-4. We could do this. We could. We had all the power. With 2 minutes left Brandon Sutter brought us home. We felt it. We were home. It was home. We are safe. It was worth trying. Before the heavens even opened, before you knew you were pregnant, before you could tattoo his name on your heart. . .Jakub harnessed our hopes and used them to score a goal. His third of the night. Giroux with two assists tonight. Why is no one yelling at him about not being good enough at being the best player in the world. We want to call him The Claw from now on. Who's in? God ******* damn it all to hell. the crazy thing is that at least the Pens almost tied it again but that wasn't going to happen because evil is allowed to live. JAKUB YOUR MOTHER IS WORRIED Galadriel won't stand for this **** probably just touch yourself to this photo until Friday. it's the little things. Go Pens. p.s. max you look like hell please go have some work done we can't have the kids seeing you like this on your weekends p.p.s. obviously a rough night for defense and team discipline but jesus christ we don't have to be all smart and analyze all the time we are worried about the fate of middle earth and jakub's skin condition over here
Ios_download En_app_rgb_wo_45

Warren Moon: RG3 needs to start taking the blame

Lovullo: I don’t see Hanley Ramirez playing left field again in 2015

Judge Berman’s one-sentence order repeats Deflategate decision timeline

Ishmael Adams suspended indefinitely following arrest

McNair: Pats caused problem by not cooperating with Deflategate

Browns terminate contract of Phil Taylor


WWE’s “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka charged in 30-year-old murder case

Randall Cobb: ‘I don’t plan on missing a game’

Ronda Rousey confirms she was supposed to fight Gina Carano

Harbaugh denies using F-word in Jay Gruden exchange

Urban Meyer: Both J.T. Barrett and Cardale Jones will play

Legal expert: NFL's reported offer to Brady 'really ridiculous'

All Sports News
Delivered to your inbox
You'll also receive Yardbarker's daily Top 10, featuring the best sports stories from around the web. Customize your newsletter to get articles on your favorite sports and teams. And the best part? It's free!

By clicking "Sign Me Up", you have read and agreed to the Fox Sports Digital Privacy Policy and Terms of Use. You can opt out at any time. For more information, please see our Privacy Policy.
Get it now!
Ios_download En_app_rgb_wo_45

Underdogs: Hopefuls that can shock in the World Cup

Manfred digs Shoeless Joe a deeper grave

Why Mike Trout ain't right

The Opening Drive: Jamal Anderson warns UM fans before heading to Salt Lake City

Best and worst MLB players in August

RG3 blames intern for liking Instagram post trashing owner

Four most surprising roster cuts from NFL teams

Raiders cut Trent Richardson

Caroline Wozniacki smoking cover of ‘Rhapsody’

Everett Golson named FSU's starting QB

Today's Best Stuff
For Publishers
Company Info
Follow Yardbarker