Last week, I decided to abandon "Things That Pissed Me Off" and write a list of reasons why Bobby Valentine makes my life miserable. I needed an outlet, and this seemed like the best way to get my points across.
But I apologize, because that's not what this column is about. It's about me venting on different topics, not just the moron I have to watch patrol the Red Sox dugout every day. Could I continue to write this column every single week about Bobby Valentine? Do bears **** in the woods?
I wouldn't even have to try hard. He literally does things every single day of the week that make me angry. Hell, just seeing him wearing a jersey that says "Boston" on it makes me want to rub acid in my eyes. When he tipped his cap at the booing Fenway Park crowd on Saturday, I thought about taking a road trip to his restaurant and burning it down.
It's just that no matter the situation, Valentine always has to make himself the story. That's why he tipped his cap. He can't ever just let something go on around him. He always has to have the final say, the last word.
Well not here. God damnit, this will be the last bastion of freedom from this corrupt, white-haired devil now running my favorite baseball team. I will not give in. That is the last time, at least for the foreseeable future, that Bobby Valentine gets any word - much less the last - in this space.
Until you stop behaving like a six-year-old on mushrooms and you win a few baseball games, Bobby, you will not win anything at EPT. I have better things to rant about. Without further ado...here is everything non-Bobby related that pissed me off last week.
1. What the Patriots are going to do in this upcoming draft
When it dawned on me last week that the NFL Draft was almost here, for the first time in a while I thought about the Patriots losing the Super Bowl last year and a little bit of anger started to brew up inside of me. They were so close, and instead they just dropped passes and let a quarterback with a lisp beat them in crunch time. But the draft is sort of a signal that the new season is around the corner, and I started to get excited thinking about football coming back, Mel Kiper's hair, Janoris Jenkins' upcoming interviews, Bill Parcells draft analysis and the end of Jon Gruden's QB/Sexual Harassment Camp.
I also started to think about the Patriots, independent of the Super Bowl loss. New season, fresh slate, another chance at a title. Then I realized that, before, any of that really happens, I have to sit and hope that the Patriots draft somebody that I've heard of, or even just somebody at a position of need, only to be horribly disappointed when they trade one of their first rounders for a future pick, then use the second first round pick on a guard from a non-BCS school that every analyst had graded out as a mid-to-late round pick.
That will happen.
The Patriots inexplicably frustrating habits are as regular as Activia keeps Jamie Lee Curtis year-round. The saying about death and taxes should expand to "Death, taxes, and the Patriots trading their first round picks for future picks they'll never use and nine second rounders, eight of which will be out of the NFL in three seasons and only five of which will even make the team out of training camp.
If you want the sort of talent that can only be had in the middle rounds, then the Patriots are the team for you. Why draft someone like Clay Matthews, who can help transform the defense into one built around quarterback pressure, when you can draft Shawn Crable or Jermaine Cunningham. Might I also mention that Crable and Cunningham will not only not help the team, but they'll actually hurt it. Are you sold yet? The Patriots are.
Every season, the talk leading up to the draft is that the "Patriots control the board," which is a fancy way of saying that they have a lot of picks in the first two rounds. It's the same way this year. The Pats have two first rounders and two second rounders. They have four picks before most teams have three. They'll pick at numbers 27, 31, 48 and 62. In theory, they're in a power position.
Yet, instead of turning that power into a pick at the top of the first round via a trade, or just simply drafting first round talent with their first round picks, the Patriots will elect to stockpile middle of the road players in an attempt to accumulate depth, while also stockpiling future picks for next season, which they will then use to stockpile middle of the road players in an attempt to accumulate depth. It's an attempt at quantity over quality, and it's the reason that the team has missed on so many players in the draft over the past six or seven years (Rob Gronkowski and Aaron Hernandez notwithstanding).
In theory, it makes a little bit of sense. If there isn't a huge talent disparity amongst the draftees between picks 10 and 40, why draft at 20 when you can draft at 40 and get someone similar talent-wise, plus pocket an extra draft pick? Except, it rarely works out like that. Blue chippers every year seem to go in the middle of the first round, while the Patriots think they're getting the value of Darrelle Revis with a player like Devin McCourty. We've seen how that works out - McCourty gets beat more often than the Red Sox.
The Patriots just love to settle for players they think could have upside, only that upside usually manifests itself in the form of "struggling to learn the system" and a one-way ticket out of New England after two seasons.
Oh, and lest I forget another staple of Patriots drafting: They absolutely, unequivocally will NOT draft a pass rusher in the first three rounds. Now, if you've watched a Patriots game over the last half decade, you'll notice that they struggle severely to get pressure on the quarterback. That's a huge part of why they gave up the second most yards in NFL history last season. But rather then ever even consider addressing that problem through the draft, the Patriots elect to pay through free agency for reclamation projects and then draft someone like Markell Carter in the sixth round.So if you're expecting the New England Patriots to use both their first round picks, you will be disappointed. If you are expecting them to trade up, you will be disappointed. If you expect them to even entertain the idea of drafting a pass rusher in the first three rounds, you're probably spending too much time death racing with Brandon Jacobs.
Just get ready. The Patriots will use one of their first round picks on an offensive or defensive lineman, trade the other, draft a cornerback and another lineman in the second round, maybe address their glaring need at wide receiver with a guy coming off leg surgery in the third round and then, and only then, will they think about drafting a pass rusher.
It's The Patriots Way.
2. Ron Artest
I'm going to call "Metta World Peace" Ron Artest in this section for two reasons. 1. It's easier to type and 2. He's reverted to his Ron Artestian ways with this most recent act of insanity.
Ever since Artest decided to changed his name to Metta World Peace, he's been relatively sane (unless, of course, you count the act of changing his name to Metta World Peace). He's done some terribly dumb things - like rolling the ball into the backcourt with two seconds left on an inbounds play with his team up by one point - but they've been mostly harmless.
I don't think the side of James Harden's head on feels like this most recent act of lunacy was harmless. That elbow on Sunday was unlike anything I've ever seen. The things that go on inside of Ron Artest's weird mind must be so strange and scary that normal people would shriek and turn into stone if they could see what was happening in there.
But let's go even further back here. Prior to the elbow, Artest made a nice play and dunked he ball in between Kevin Durant and Serge Ibaka. Then, out of nowhere, he started screaming and pounding his chest like he had just found out that his illegitimate kid wasn't actually his. It would have been fine to celebrate that passionately if the game were in the fourth quarter...or at least the second half.
Nope. Not when you're Ron Arest. When you're Ron Artest, the logical thing to do is to go absolutely ape-**** during the SECOND QUARTER of a regular season game. That alone should have been a warning. Everyone should have started hiding under their chairs like it was a one of those nuclear bomb school drills from the 50's. It was about to go down.
And go down it did. After Artest pimped his mediocre dunk, James Harden walked up the court and happened to end up next to him. For a human being who doesn't routinely act like he's trying out the next Crank movie, the logical move would have been to just walk past Harden. Instead, Artest, without even a hint of provocation, wound up and hit Harden so hard with his elbow that it's amazing Harden was even still conscious.
That led to Artest continuing to meander up the court while hitting his chest, as if he didn't even notice that he had nearly decapitated a player on the opposing team just seconds before. The crowd, which was really, really loud before that play, went silent, as Artest screamed at them. Watch the replay and look at some of the faces in the crowd. They look like they just witnessed Artest bite the head off a bat and start having sex with its corpse or something. They are just absolutely terrified of this lunatic.
Once it came to Artest's attention that he had nearly committed the first-ever murder on an NBA court, he got defiant and tried to fight Ibaka. For the first time in a while, we got to witness the same Ron Artest who charged into the crowd at the Palace at Auburn Hills at 2004. The only difference was that this time he didn't knock out any fans. But trust me - if there were any fans on the court at the time, Artest would have had no problem smashing their faces off his knee or something equally as twisted.
It has been 11 years since Artest's absolutely pure, unadulterated insanity become common knowledge. Since then, it's come out from time to time, but Violent Ron had basically stayed away. Until now. What a psycopath. I wouldn't let Ron Artest in the same zip code as any of my family members for $10 million. It might be time to call up the therapist again, Ron.
3. The fact that Andy Pettite won't be able to testify in the Roger Clemens perjury trial about the fact that Brian McNamee gave Pettite HGH
I'm not here to weigh in on the country's judicial process, and I won't really, but the idea that Andy Pettite can't testify - in the Roger Clemens perjury trial - that Brian McNamee gave him HGH is more than a little bit absurd. You know, because Brian McNamee DID give Pettite HGH...
Essentially, Pettite is allowed to testify that he did receive HGH and that he took it, but he can't say where he got it from, even though it's common knowledge that he got the HGH from McNamee - the same man who supposedly was injecting Clemens all these years.
Doesn't that seem like a valuable piece of evidence? At the next high-profile murder trial, should we just restrict the murderer from saying who he killed, and just have him say that he has killed at some point?
The logic behind Pettite not being able to testify that McNamee gave him the HGH is that if Pettite does say that, the jury might connect the dots and assume that McNamee also gave Clemens HGH. It would be guilt by association.
So what the hell am I missing? Why is that the case AGAINST Pettite talking on this subject? Shouldn't that be the case FOR it? Brian McNamee did supply Andy Pettite with HGH. Andy Pettite was one of Roger Clemens best friends. Brian McNamee was the trainer for Roger Clemens. Roger Clemens is on trial for lying about his use of HGH.
Uh, so yeah. The jury should assume that because Pettite got HGH from McNamee, Clemens may have done the same thing. It's the ******* transitive property, for Christ's sake. What sort of messed up world restricts people from stating things that are true because it might lead the jury to conclude the truth?
I think I'm just talking in circles now. Hopefully they can find another way to put the Fat Rocket behind bars. Having witnesses state the facts is apparently not a viable option. What a dirt bag you are, Roger. Oh, and your creepy lawyer, "Rusty Hardin?" That guy looks like he should be robbing trains in the 1800's, or committing statutory rape. I hope he winds up in jail, too.
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