Originally written on Down with Goldy  |  Last updated 11/11/14

Hey, Condoms! 
Are you ready for some hot XXX Olympic action?  I know I am, or I was until NBC's coverage made me want wear Bob Costas' face like a mask and caper about on Hennepin Avenue.  Seriously, wtf are they doing?  And why does Bob Costas' head continue to grow while his body shrinks?  He's like 65% head now.

Somehow, last night's coverage of Michael Phelps swimming like there's a foot-long spicy Italian at the end of the race got a 20 rating.  This happened despite everyone that knows about the internet or has a radio already knew the results.  The women's gymnastics team was also competing, apparently against themselves, but they never fall or anything so that's no fun.  Hey NBC, are there any other countries competing?  The camera never leaves the team and the building might as well be empty except what these 5 gals and their scary Asian painted lady coach are doing.  The same thing happened with the hairless mens team.  I didn't see anyone else competing and the men aren't even that good (I think).

Pinky Injury?
Here are some other things I've noticed while sitting on my bum and watching the world's best whatevers:

We Need a Hairy Gymnast/How much do those highbar lifter guys get paid?

I'm tired of these tiny, hairless olympic gymnasts.  I want gymnasts with long flowing locks of chest hair that smoke cigarettes in between routines.  Danell Leyva is as close as it gets, but he's trimming down his man-pelt for the events.   Maybe I would cheer for them to succeed instead of fall every time if they looked a little more human.

Secondly, can anyone get a job being the high bar lifter guy?  You know, the dude that picks up all of the guys and gals to get them started on their high bar routine?  I'd be great at this.  I would do it just for a small daily stipend and a free trip to the olympics.  I would do my best not to laugh when people fall or cry.

Ancient Dudes on U-23 Soccer Teams

So, Olympic soccer has a rule that everyone must be under 23 years old.  That's cool, we have they Euro and and the World Cup and stuff, so it's not like we don't see all of the best from each country anyway.  The weird part though is they have a rule where you can add three guys over 23.  Why?  Are they used as chaperones in the Olympic village to ensure these soccer guys are banging the midnight oil?  So, Great Britain's captain is Ryan Giggs, a kick-ass Welshman that happens to be 38 years old.  They also have 33 year old Craig "Don't call me Jay" Bellamy.

BTW, the refs are AWFUL in Olympic play and there is much screaming at and bumping of the ref.  Things that would get baseball players 10 game suspensions.  So, that's pretty fun.

Hi, I'm on the under-23 squad.
5 Channels of "Action"

My Comcast feed has at least 5 channels that I've found so far that show the olympics, which is cool.  However, it's massively confusing because there's a lot of replays and often the channel guide doesn't tell you what is on.  I have seen some pretty weird stuff in addition to plenty of basketball, soccer, water polo, handball and..

Ranch Dressage

I have to tread lightly here because my good buddy @Frothygopher has a wife (I know, crazy) that's into dressage.  She tells me I watched the introductory level dressage, which is basically a horse prancing about with minimal instruction by the rider I think.  Also, people that are older than Ryan Giggs are among the riders proving that literally anyone can do this.  Seems like the horse does all of the work.

Does that horse have cornrows?

Badminton Tanking

Did you guys and gal hear about the tanking?  In order to face who they wanted in a later round, these badminton chicks tried tanking, but they were THE MOST OBVIOUS TANKERS IN THE WORLD.  Subsequently they were booted from the olympics.  Way to be your best ladies.  Here's a link to the vid for a chuckle:  http://www.businessinsider.com/badminton-teams-disqualified-olympics-video-2012-8

16yo Chinese Swim Machine

There's a 16 year old Chinese girl that murdered her best time ever and set an Olympic record in some swimming event.  Now everyone says she's on roids.  She was more than seven seconds faster than the year prior.  I don't see what the problem is.  Here's a pic of her:

Her beauty is on the inside.
Water Polo

Chicks flat out try to drown each other in this sport.  It's kind of hot.   Especially when the suit gets tugged and there are tan lines.  XXX Olympiad, indeed!  This sport also looks incredibly exhausting without someone yanking you under the water every five minutes.  I dig it.


Enjoy the rest of the Olympics, knobs!  Spoiler alert: the Chinese robotos win the most gold medals.

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