Despite the relative green-ness of our site so far, it’s never too early to bring some kind of fire. At my other blog, I get a lot of random, weird music sent to me, and this morning, I was given perhaps the best treasure chest of all. Whether it had something to do with the romance of the day or not is debatable, but I am certain that this is music for cunnilingus, fellatio, or impregnation. It will warm the cockles of anyone, from young to old, because frankly, its relentless pace and peaks are irresistible.

It’s some NFL Primetime music, instrumental-style. Anything you hear underneath the dulcet, subtle tones of Chris Berman [one might argue that if these tracks had his voice, the chances of sexual pleasure are greater, and I might well agree].

I’d love to think that these were not composed by some balding, sweaty man in a dank basement with a synthesizer and some electronic drums borrowed from Toto, but by some kind of supergroup, the kind of genre-bending assemblage that defies categorization [think: the shameful band of mercenaries that do the Monday Night Football intro song]. You can hear the energy dripping off the walls [or is that something else?], not to mention the arousing thought of your favorite franchise as it marches into the endzone.

However, each is subtlely different, and connotes wildy contrasting situations. As any football coach knows, calling the right play at the right time is important, and song choice is no different. Trying to get your loved one to try anal while listening to Limp Bizkit or Jimmy Buffett will almost certainly result in failure, and at DeadOn, failure does not exist.

So, let’s take a look at the NFL Primetime music in a whole new way. Come with me into the abyss, into a world that might change yours forever.

[Click on the Track Names to download and listen]

Track 1: “The Big Game”
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CHARACTERISTICS:
More drum rolls than a post-meal John Bonham. Cymbals rain down on the ears like angry missives from Valhalla. Synthesizers reach high frequencies previously reserved for dogs, or retarded children.
CIRCUMSTANCE:
For the married set, it would be special occasion sex. Did you learn a new move guaranteed to get the whole thing over quicker so you can get some shuteye? Does she complain about you never pleasuring her, and that it’s all about your 76 seconds of heaven? This tune is the appropriate backdrop. Finger in the rear, a new position [preferably one where you don't see her face so you can imagine it's someone else].
For the single minglers, you just got your chance with the hottest girl you know. She’s relented, dropped her guard, and finally become weak to your constant phone-calls, behavior bordering on criminal, and your generous drink mixing, and it’s time to shine. The spotlight is on, she’s lying there in a daze, wondering what to expect. Well, no time like the present. Pull out all the stops. Every trick in the book. Anything that focuses on her [apparently they enjoy that]. Dive down below and see what it looks like for a change.
SEXINESS RATING: 8/10.
Ultimately it falls just short, because there is so much frenzy that you’ll never last to the end of the song. And she’ll laugh at you. But nice try.

Track 2: “The Clock is Ticking”
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CHARACTERISTICS:
This would work well for an lame car chase, the kind where all the editing makes you nauseous and then you realize they’re actually driving at 30 miles per hour. Also, what is that weird little flourish of notes during the main melody? Is that a fucking harpsichord? It sounds like a harpsichord, and there’s no fucking to be done with a harpsichord around. Unless you’re Johann Strauss, and that fucker died of scarlet fever.
CIRCUMSTANCE:
You have 4-and-a-half minutes until her alcoholic, truck-driving father gets home. Get to work. The mania of the first 10 seconds should be racy enough to get her clothes off, and then it’s straight inside. No time for foreplay. Throw her on the bed, put it in, and jackhammer like it’s the junior prom all over again.
SEXINESS RATING: 3/10.
It’s that damn harpsichord. No, I’m not impotent. Now get out.

Track 3: “Man on a Mission”
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CHARACTERISTICS:
Didn’t Michael Mann use this somewhere? Or maybe it was an outtake from some Jean-Michel Jarre sessions. Either way, this is going to require all your focus, because it’s decidedly gay music. Who asked for violins and shit in their NFL highlights?
CIRCUMSTANCE:
Her biological clock is ticking, and those years of chicken wing abuse and oat soda negligence have left you on the ropes. But, inside every wrinkled walnut of a man, there is a Rocky, a phoenix rising from the ashes to prove to the world that he’s still got it. Sure, after the first two kids it looks bleak, but she wants another goddamn it, and you’re not about to look at divorce papers without trying one more time. Give her the what-for, and then smoke up while she performs her Maude Lebowski exercises by your side. You’ve still got what it takes.
SEXINESS RATING: 1/10.
Let’s face it, while making love and getting someone pregnant with your child, a new human being you’re going to adore and nurture, is a touching scene, it is decidedly lacking in that X-ratedness that we’re gunning for here. I think Mike Oldfield wrote this.

Track 4 - “Looks Like We Made It”
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CHARACTERISTICS:
Am I playing Mega Man? Or maybe watching that 80s movie where our outcast hero is displaying his prowess at some extreme sport, outshining his rival and impressing the token attractive girl all at the same time?
CIRCUMSTANCES:
An ideal backdrop, perhaps, to that late-night, drunken effort. After eleven cheap domestic beers, a few choice shots of something you serve while on fire, and a Percocet or two could well leave you for dead. The dreaded whisky dick. However, it would take some kind of robot or replicant not to get, ahem, inspired by this canny blend of cornball electric guitar riffs [the dude knows how to bend a note! Fuck!] and irritant electric piano. Put this on as soon as you’re about to do it, just because the euphoria of getting it in and the surprise that it’s actually happening will make for a memorable moment.
SEXINESS RATING: 11/10.
If you’re not fucking with this in the background, God hates you. The dude in RAD probably boned to this, and that’s reason enough to try, try, and try again until you achieve the impossible.