Ryan Dempster, Teenage Mutant Ninja Cubbie

Ah yes, it's spring, time for baseball players to prepare for opening day. And time for pitcher Ryan Dempster to perfect his closing skills.

No, not for the Cubs.

Apparently, he wants to be a closer for the Laugh Factory.

Dempster, a known "comedian" around the clubhouse, told the Arizona Daily Star yesterday he's training to be a ninja:

"You have to (learn) how to throw a throwing star and nunchucks and all those kinds of things," the Chicago Cubs closer says. "Obviously you've got to do martial arts and learn how to be really quiet, which is a tough task for me because I talk a lot."

It is difficult to tell when the 29-year-old right-hander is joking. He does not smile or laugh once.

Humor is one of his favorite hobbies. He has practiced stand-up comedy. He impersonates late Cubs broadcaster Harry Caray. And Tuesday afternoon at Hi Corbett Field, he claimed he wanted to be a ninja.

"It's pretty cool. I wear the outfit around the house and try to sneak up on people," Dempster deadpanned before the Cubs lost to the Colorado Rockies 4-2.

I'd say keep your day job, Ryan, but when your 2006 record is 1-9 with a 4.9 ERA, a sense of humor is probably your best option. And why aim for Mariano Rivera when you can fill the hole left by Richard Jeni?

(Too soon?)

Meanwhile, it was hard to tell if Dempster was still doing his schtick when he vowed he could pitch today if it were opening day.

Told of Dempster's claims of readiness, new Cubs manager Lou Piniella had this response:

"It's going to be 86 degrees in Cincinnati, too. We're going to be drinking piña coladas. Yeah... He needs a little more work."

See, Ryan, now that's comedy.