Tirico Suave

Like many sports fans, I’m a big ‘what if?’ guy. Coming up with scenarios that could possibly happen is usually infinitely more exciting than the what actually happens. That’s why I write mock drafts even if I only get four picks right in the first round. Then again, Mel Kiper only got eight right and Todd McShay only nailed six and they seem to waste a lot more time thinking about the NFL Draft than I do. Just saying.

Anyway, long time cohort and occasional colleague, Harvey Bars, and I have spent many a late night in some diner spouting off arbitrary top five sports related lists in an effort to an entertain ourselves. None of these lists have been nearly as enjoyable as the time we watched a ten year old kid try to unsuccessfully throw his body into an Escalade without the use of his arms, but since I don’t have a video of that, I’ll just share one of these lists instead.

5. John Starks. I was wavering on which Jordan era NY Knick to put on this list. I certainly don’t miss Patrick Ewing sweating profusely and shooting his patented fade away after taking eleven steps across the lane. Everyone still talks about Oak so he’s out. Charles Smith, haha, sorry. So I couldn’t help but remember John Levell Starks. The Knicks only real hope of ever winning a title quickly vanished when Starks had his last second shot blocked by Hakeem in game six and then proceeded to go 2-for-18 from the field including an amazingly unremarkable 0 for 11 from behind the arc in game seven. Ever since that game, the Knicks have been on a slow downward spiral. That’s what James Dolan gets for not giving Cablevision subscribers the NFL network. Until he does, I pray the Knicks have to move to Jersey and play at the IZOD center.

4. Zan Tabak. While others always go with Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Zaza Pachulia, or Zach Randolph, former Croatian player Zan Tabak has been my go to ‘Z’ when I’m playing the NBA name game for the last fifteen years and he continue to hold that honor for the next fifteen. Bonus Zan Tabak fun fact: he was an international scout for the Knicks in 2006, and by my count, they’ve had zero international players since then, so I like to think Tabak’s job wasn’t too different from mine, where he just sat in an office and scanned documents for eight hours.

3. Bill Cartwright. First off, let me just say there are more Zan Tabak pictures available on the internet than there are of Bill Cartwright. Anyway, there isn’t much I wouldn’t do to see Cartwright for one more season. I firmly believe, even at age 50, he would still lock down the majority of centers in the league. And no Bill Cartwright reference is complete without mentioning his fundamentally sound shooting form. A Joakim Noah /Bill Cartwright one-on-one matchup would be one for the ages. Cartwright is currently an assistant under Nets coach Lawrence Frank and I like to think for comedy’s sake that the first day of introductions at practice went something like this.

2. John Stockton. With all the hype around the most overrated point guard to ever step on a court in Steve Nash (editor’s note: Fuck you, Velvet. If this is your attitiude, you can put your own commas in next time. Sincerely, Harvey), I couldn’t help but put Stockton and his legendary short shorts on this list. This matchup would once and for all show all the Nash lovers that he in fact is nothing more than regular season guy. Stockton for one could play defense, which Nash has shown year in and year out that he is incapable of doing. This matchup, preferably in the first round of the playoffs would be ideal, so I could see yet another point guard send Steve Nash and his overrated Suns home packing. Sorry, Steve I wanted to be a fan, but I just can’t do it anymore. I have a feeling I am not done with this.

1. Vernon Maxwell. You automatically enter the top five conversation anytime you’re ordered to pay $592,000 for knowingly infecting a woman with herpes. You cement yourself at the top spot when you serve 50 hours community service for pressing your pecker against the window of the driver who rear ended your Lotus. Mad Max was a memorable guy. He was as likely to hit the game winner as he was to get ejected and go into the stands and try to open up a ten piece on a fan. He was like Ron Artest, Stephen Jackson and Robert Horry rolled into one. I mean were talking about a guy who swung a free weight at teammate Carl Herrera (when was the last time you think someone said his name without laughing) and gave him 30 stitches. Vernon Maxwell played the game hard and his off the court issues, of which there are a ton more, make for great blog writing. Simply put, he was a man ahead of the time. Man, I miss Mad Max.