2008 Detroit Lions Preview: Can Anybody Find Me...Somebody to Love?

It's time for the GoWF annual rite of passage that is the Detroit Lions season preview... set to lyrics. Last year, we got all hot and bothered, because we waited until the Silver and Blue got off to a doppelganger 2-0 start, thus prompting some bonerific Prince lyrics. This year, we wanted to go with a mustachio theme in honor of the immovable pile of steamy crap that is Matt Millen. While Frank Zappa tempted us, in the interests of well, everybody else, we settled on Queen. Much to our merriment, Queen proves a fantastic choice. I swear these things write themselves sometimes.

"I've paid my dues. Time after time, I've done my sentence. But committed no crime. And bad mistakes, I've made a few. I've had my share of sand kicked in my face. But I've come through." (The Proud Tradition)

Yeah, we understand how you feel Barry. We would have bolted too if we were in your shoes. The invite is always open though, you know?

“I want it all, I want it all, I want it all, and I want it now.” (Last Season)

Last year the Kool-Aid tasted so good. Martz, Kitna, Johnson, Williams, Furrey, McDonald, Jones, Bell, Duckett. Ok, so maybe the Kool-Aid had a little too much Beefeater's Gin mixed with it, because what seemed like the second coming of the greatest show on turf was a hit or miss train wreck. We wanted it all and we weren’t willing to wait. However, 6-2 out of the gates got our appetites wet and expectations soaring. And who could possibly forget one of the most memorable moments in Lions football since Barry Sanders left? Remember Shaun “Big Baby” Rodgers plowing into the end zone after a fumble recovery and scamper to the house?

Of course, much like “Big Baby” gasping for air…soon the Lions would also be gasping for air. They collapsed; almost on cue down the stretch of the season going 2-6 the rest of the way. What seemed so perfect and so real, was just a cruel taste of the high life. We wanted it all, but we wanted it too soon and got little in return. It’s like we went house hunting and thought we could afford a little more than our budget and ended up upside down with a mortgage we couldn’t pay after the housing crash. Um, yup that was the Lions in 2007…we’d suppose.

"Buddy, you're a boy makin' big noise playing on the street; gonna be a big man some day. You got mud on your face. Big Disgrace. Kickin' your can all over the place.” (The Offense)

Again, bless Jon Kitna's heart, but he's been masquerading as a starting QB for a wee bit too long now. The problem is...the Lions have no real threat waiting in the wings, as Drew Stanton remains an enigma. Perhaps, another 5-11 or 6-10 season will allow us to get a glimpse into the future of Stanton. However, the crystal ball will most likely reveal another damn back-up QB. Oh well.

Once again the offensive line is made of patchwork and recycled goods. No, that's not referring to a hippie’s closet, rather an NFL team's offensive line. The Lions have gone ahead and attempted to implement a generic version of the Bronco's zone blocking system. Apparently, they hope this will mask the fact that they are rolling out Tatum Bell as a featured RB along with an "unknown" rookie. Gee, we hear Mike Bell and Reuben Droughns might be available to help apply some Neosporin to this pathetic RB stable.

And for the WR's...well they may or may not be the lone bright spot for this offense. Although, let's leave a TBD tag on this group for now. However, please let us keep our dream alive that Calvin Johnson will be the STUD everyone predicted he'd be.

"Fat Bottom girls you make the rocking world go round." (The Defense)

You have to hand it to Rod Marinelli. While a lot of folks out there deride him for basically bringing in every single available defensive player from Tampa Bay; it makes sense. If you are implementing a new system based on a similar system, why not bring in guys who know “said” system? It's a logical move and it is comforting that he considers a lot of these guys - particularly in a secondary that's often reminiscent of flies stuck on fly paper - system guys. The secondary is improved.

The problem with this throwback to the Tampa Cover 2 - and we're not the first to address this - is that Tampa had Simeon Rice and Warren Sapp providing a furious pass rush. The Lions have Chuck Darby, Cory Redding, Jared Devries, and Dewayne White. Marinelli calls them veterans; most would call them "blue light specials." The Cover 2 defense is useless without lightning fast defensive ends and good pressure in the middle. This is a huge question mark. The other laughable element here is Lovie Smith coached the linebackers in Tampa and installed it in Chicago. Minnesota implemented it last season. And they both have FAR better players than the Lions. Who you planning to fool here guys?

“Oooh you make me live. Whenever this world is cruel to me, I got you to help me forgive. Oooh you make me live now honey, Oooh you make me live…You’re my best friend.” (Coaching Staff)

Ah yes, the lightning Rod still carries the mantle of this team, but for how much longer? Well, it seems that he and Millen have formed an inseparable bond of sorts and can be seen carrying each other hand in hand in this debacle we know as the Lions. One would always have to consider Marinelli being on a short leash; after all Millen did fire a lifelong buddy in Steve Mariucci just a few short years ago.

That said; the remainder of Marinelli’s staff is a collection of unrecognizable names and/or nice guys. I guess the saying holds par that nice guys finish last. Put in simpler terms, unless some facet of this team (the special teams, defense or offense) makes a huge leap this year…we won’t have to worry about teams in need of head coaches raiding our cupboards. It should come as no surprise that our defense is led by Joe Barry, a Buccaneers import. Jim Colletto gets the distinguished honor of following the huge footprints that Mike Martz left behind (that’s sarcasm). Of course, his track record consists of the Ravens and Raiders offenses in the past 7 or 8 years…not good.

The feel good story of the Lions coaching staff has to be Joe Cullen who somehow managed to battle his booze demons and retain his job even after driving through a Wendy’s butt naked and drunk a few years back. Give that man a hug.

"Bismillah! We will not let you go, let me go. Will not let you go, let me go. Will not let you go let me go. No, no, no, no, no, no, no."

…or…

"Pressure. Pushing down on me, pressing down on you. No man ask for...Under Pressure." (Management)

At this point this has become another Detroit tale of Rasputin. The only way we’re getting rid of the “unsinkable” Matt Millen is if Ford Motor files for bankruptcy, sells off either some assets, or pawns the whole shebang. Ever seen "Gung Ho?" The Japanese would turn the Lions around in no time. They are really great at calisthenics.

Honestly, the seat can't possibly be any warmer under Matt Millen's ass. Ford Jr. has voiced displeasure, but as mentioned above...we've been down this road before and nobody is convinced the end is really near should the Millen/Marinelli brain trust fail once again. Yet, we'll be sure to listen to Drew Sharp and Mitch Albom proclaim the end of the Millen era...starting around Week #1.

"Is this the real life, is this just fantasy?" (Fantasy Impact)

The gut reaction says "Don't touch these guys even if you're wearing lubed up rubber gloves, “but there are a couple scenarios where you might pull the trigger. A late round Tatum Bell pickup is a calculated gamble (ADP 125ish). Kevin Smith very well might be the guy, but taking him for your #3 RB - or larger leagues you’re #2 RB - is very risky. The guy may never even play. Pay close attention to the Lion's camp if you really insist on going this route. With an ADP around 70, there's a lot to give (i.e., Fred Taylor, Donovan McNabb, Donald Driver) in order to get Smith. In the meantime, nobody is putting much stock in Taco Bell, so he's available for peanuts and he should get a share of carries - at least for a while.

Kitna is a good late round backup with TUP. He should easily fall into the double digit rounds, so at this point your biggest competition for Kitna is likely that pesky auto draft. As for Calvin Johnson and Roy Williams, as much as we all like them in reality, they reek of streaky big games and busts. Kitna looks to spend a lot of time on his back yet again, so expect a handful of turds from both of these guys. These guys have Lee Evans Syndrome written all over them.

“She's a killer queen; gunpowder gelatine. Dynamite with a lazer beam, guaranteed to blow your mind…(anytime).” (Gambling)

There’s a golden rule of thumb when it comes to wagering on the Lions. “You NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER…bet for or against the Detroit Lions.” That’s right; they will blow your mind and slash your heart with a Lazer beam…anytime. You don’t believe us? Go ahead; seal your own fate at your own risk. You’ve been warned to give this team a wide birth.

"It's the terror of knowing what this world is about. Watching some good friends, screaming...let me out." (Intangibles…The Fans)

Honestly, a fan revolt doesn’t appear that far from the realm of reality. Wait, we’ve tried that one before. In the end "WE" the fans remain the victims. Try walking a week in the shoes of a Lions fan. OK, so maybe it's not all that painful, but it's quite brutal. Just imagine knowing your fate before it even happens? At least most tortured franchises have "hope" each year. As goes with Lions fans, we've become numb to hope. It's really, really...sad. And it could turn ugly really fast at Ford Field if the team starts sputtering. How fun is it gonna be to play a football game on Thanksgiving when you are getting booed by a hostile and heavily intoxicated audience?

"And another one gone, and another one gone, another one bites the dust." (Overall 2008 Prediction)

It’s quite sobering to realize that it takes nearly 2000 words of rhetoric and pessimism to capture the splendor that is the Detroit Lions. Yes, we love the Lions…please make no mistakes in that regard. However, when you’ve had your share of sand kicked in your face…sometimes you just know you’re going to lose. It’s another season and another season of unfilled promises. There’s really no point in getting our hopes up again, just to have them crushed. For we know if the Lions ever right the ship, it’ll be like playing with house money. Oh how we long for that day, but it seems so, so far away. Bold Prediction: (6-10…Marinelli and Millen are shown the door).