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Red Sox desperate to pay somebody $100 million
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll spend the rest of my baseball life comparing everyhing to 2004. But to go to the well once more — of the many Red Sox accomplishments of that season, I just noticed one I’d forgotten about: in 2004, the Red Sox employed the highest-paid player in the game. Thanks to the miracles of deferred payments, A-Rod led the league 2001-8 except when he fell to Giambi in ‘07 and when that honor fell to one Manny Ramirez in 2004. Considering he was Boston’s first ever World Series MVP, it was money well spent.

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December 13th, 2007 at 8:21 pm ET

Sammy Sosa after learning he'd been named to the All-Snubbed Team.Let’s face it, the Mitchell report didn’t include ALL the names we associate with the Steroids Era. While the preemptive (and ultimately fradulent) list circulating this morning certainly seemed fishy (Rich Garces?), that list did contain many names that we expected to see in the Mitchell report – and yet didn’t. Consequently, it now seems disingenuous to act like we knew all along that Pudge Rodriguez, Jason Varitek, Nomar Garciaparra and Mike Piazza were actually above the fray. Besides, the omission of their names in the actual report doesn’t supercede our own lingering suspicions. (Personally, I feel like the bishop in “Caddyshack” right now, after he’s missed his record-breaking putt, yelled “rat farts” and gotten hit by lightning: I’m back at the bar mumbling, “There is no God.”)

Given that, Bugs & Cranks has put together a list of players we wanted expected to see named in the Mitchell report, but who somehow escaped. These gentlemen represent the All-Snubbed Team, and they need to be recognized too. After all, 86 players just got thrown under the public-opinion bus, so what’s a few more?

C: Mike Piazza. He was drafted in the 1454th round, and only because Tommy Lasorda once visited a prostitute named Mike. In the time since, Piazza has compiled the most impressive hitting statistics of any backstop in MLB history. But yeah, he managed that on a diet of gay men and pasta.

1B: Albert Pujols. He went from a juco player to the best hitter since Ted Williams, and he did it all without the benefit of PEDs (or a forged birth certificate).

2B: Bret Boone. “It’s Super Mr. Potato Head,” who went from hitting .252 and driving in 63 runs to hitting .331 and driving in 137 runs - in the space of two years.

3B: Scott Rolen. Only a guy with ‘roid rage would ever want out of Philly that bad…

SS: Nomar Garciaparra. Line-drive hitter to best young hitter in baseball to…yearly injuries and Mia Hamm. Hmmm.

OF: Albert Belle. Weird debilitating knee injury ended an otherwise asshole career.

OF: Jose Offerman. As far as I recall, he never played outfield. But he didn’t really play second base for the Red Sox either, so who cares. Besides, he tried to pinata a pitcher during a minor league game this year, so I was rather astounded he wasn’t listed in the Mitchell report. Say, under “Effects of Washing Out Early”?

OF: Wily Mo Pena. Every Sox fan wondered about his composition at least once, most likely after he swung at ANOTHER off-speed pitch off the plate. What, wait: Stupidity wasn’t addressed in the Mitchell report? Well, it should have been. 

DH: Pudge Rodriguez. Maybe he has access to better colon cleaners?

DH2: Pronk Hafner. Yeah, you were sweatin’, Tribe fans.

DH3: Mike Sweeney. Given how many fantasy seasons he’s ruined over the years, he should have been named on principle.

DH4: Jeff Kent. Self explanatory.

DH5: Juan Gonzalez. No doubt Tiger fans were holding out hope.

Bench: Derek Jeter, David Ortiz, Alex Rodriguez, Manny Ramirez, Jason Varitek, Josh Beckett, Curt Schilling, Mariano Rivera — Every Sox fan and Yankee fan was thinking the same thing today: As long as THEIR team has more big names listed.

Back-up bench: Shea Hillenbrand, Milton Bradley, Sammy Sosa

SP: Mark Prior. I know dead people who come back from injuries better than this guy.

SP: Jose Lima. Loco, ese.

SP: Rich Harden. A challenger to Mike Sweeney’s crown.

MR: Rob Dibble, Al Hrabowsky

Closer: Calvin fuckin’ Schiraldi

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5 Comments for “The All-Snubbed Team: These players want to know why THEY weren’t named in the Mitchell report”

  1. Posted December 14th, 2007 at 1:44 am by Steven

    You know who is beyond suspicion?

    Frank Thomas. He was trying to get the media to take notice of this nonsense seven years ago: http://www.winnipegfreepress.c.....0710c.html

  2. Posted December 14th, 2007 at 2:19 pm by Whit Rules

    Don Zimmer Named in Mitchell Report
    It was a day that would rock Major League Baseball. The Mitchell report on use of performing enhancement drugs in baseball was released Thursday, and former MVPs and All-Stars were named. In fact, it marked the first time in the 21st century the New York Yankees won a title: most steroid gorillas in baseball—including the leader of the pack, Roger “Texas Con Man” Clemens. But perhaps the most stunning revelation of the day was not made public—that is until Cam Martin of Bugs and Cranks found out that Don Zimmer was part of the parade of former Yankees on the juice.
    Martin confronted Zimmer late last night at his home in Tampa. “I’m so ashamed a’ what I done,” he said, muscles grotesquely bulging from his Power Rangers pajamas. “When I came to New York with the smell, and Steinbrenner, and those barbarians they call fans—I just needed a little bounce in my step. Little did I know when I took this stuff that I’d turn into an Adonis, fighting off the babes every day. I got that ‘roid rage thing goin’ too, like when I charged after that little punk Pedro. Yeah, the juice made me a better bench coach, but at what price? Oh, do I know no shame?”
    By early morning, calmed by an enormous mound of chewing tobacco on an English muffin with a cup of tea, Zimmer expressed amazement that people would be surprised that Clemens was named. “I ain’t no doctor or nothin’,” Zimmer said, “but in my experience a’ livin’ on this earth, I don’t think people’s heads is supposed to grow. Roger had all that groin and hammy trouble because his legs couldn’t support that head. That ain’t so hard to figure out, if ya ask me. I mean, look at my head: do I look normal?”

  3. Posted December 14th, 2007 at 5:00 pm by Jon

    I’m surprised Manny wasn’t on your list.

    Wait…no I’m not.

  4. Posted December 14th, 2007 at 5:07 pm by Cameron Martin

    Jon, I’m surprised you didn’t read closely. Oh wait, no I’m not:

    Bench: Derek Jeter, David Ortiz, Alex Rodriguez, MANNY RAMIREZ, Jason Varitek, Josh Beckett, Curt Schilling, Mariano Rivera — Every Sox fan and Yankee fan was thinking the same thing today: As long as THEIR team has more big names listed.

  5. Posted December 14th, 2007 at 5:23 pm by Jon

    I misundertood being on the bench as your method of vindicating your favorite players. My fault. I guess you just meant Manny and Ortiz aren’t good enough ballplayers to make the starting lineup?

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