It's that time of year again for drinking egg nog, getting cold, listening to the same 8 songs every single place you go, and falling asleep on your desk because you've been hungover for a month straight. Yay, the holidays are here. We wish everyone a joyous holiday season and hope Santa brings everyone exactly what they want for Christmas. To kick off the season for giving, we asked some of our our favorite sports teams, personalities, and locales; what do you want for Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa, or whatever you use to buy each other shit?
Chris Webber - A new set of knees
Bill Walton - Some Aludium Fodex so I can fuel up the UFO and head back to Tralfamadore.
LeBron James - Some decent NBA players to play on my team.
Matt Millen - A free resume builder tool.
Yao Ming - Some of these Lego guys. They look just like me.
Wayne Fontes - Some of the add revenue you pricks are pulling in off my name.
The Redskins - A 24 year old strong safety that is lightning quick and hits like a brickhouse. RIP Sean.
Bill Belichick - Your soul, his soul, her soul, everybody's soul.
Kevin Garnett - Ditto.
Stan - To beat Rupert this week and win another Fantasy Title.
Tom Brady - Another model to bang. Or maybe that hot Rawson bird.
DJ Augustin - My turn.
Eli Manning - Respect.
Peyton Manning - Somebody to pull a Nancy Kerrigan on Tom Brady before he breaks my record.
Michael Vick - A pit bull named Roxy.
Brett Favre - Some admiration and attention.
Jon Kitna - An exorcist to banish these demons that hath poisoned our locker room.
Johan Santana - A choice.
Mario Williams -To say "What's Up Now, Reggie?"
Kentucky - Rick Pitino (Picture source)
Stan and Rupes - Phish to re-unite and play a 10 night stand at Van Andel Arena.
Huey Lewis - A new drug.
Boston - Some black people.
Screenwriters - Some money to go to Taco Bell.
Michigan - I wish I knew? Everybody already said "no."
Rupert - One of these. It will be mine. Oh yes, it will be mine.
Tim Tebow - World domination.
Chad Henne, Mike Hart, and Mario Mannigham - My whole year back.
Phil Jackson - I receive no joy from gifts. For the true zen master seeks not the personal gratification that comes from material possessions - only from giant contracts.
Monday, December 10, 2007
The Ghosts of Christmas Future
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9 comments:
Huey doesn't need anything - on account of him being one of the Most Awesome Dudes Ever.
He could ask for Dewey to be included in his name. Then he would have all three of Scrooge's nephews accounted for.
Jamal Tinsley- an AK-47.
Andy Roddick- a time-machine set to the year 2000 (in conan voice).
Rex Grossman- a good agent to get me more than my market 10USD worth.
Kyle Orton- a Mach3 and a bottle of John Daniels- when you've known him as long as I have, you earn the right to call him john.
Bode Miller- free sessions @ AAA.
Tony Romo- Britney Spears to go on birth control.
Charles Rodgers- Congress to pass some forclosure relief.
O.J.- a pulizer prize.
Scott Skiles- a shooting guard.
UofM brass- Tommy Amaker back.
The Miami Dolphins- some sympathy.
The Florida Marlins- some more fans.
The NHL- ditto.
Nikolay Davydenko- some body guards to protect me from the Ruskie Mafia.
University of Hawaii- some respect.
Michigan State University- a gift basket to send to the BCS committee.
Marion Jones- my dignity.
Sean White- proactive care.
TJ Duckett- a starting position in 08.
I say start Duckett now. K Jones is plain old bad luck.
You ignorant racist shit. Boston is 25% black, same as NYC and twice the US average.
So take the Boston entry off or change it now and stop propogating racism. Either you're blind, or you're just another dumb jackass whos never been outside Copley Square.
Um, I don't get the DJ Augustin one. I know who he is, but "my turn"? Explain.
Dear Daniel the poet with the rich inner life,
There wasn't even a morsel of racism in that joke. It may have been a dumb joke, but this is a sports site and we were clearly just jabbing at Boston. You know how Boston has the best team in nearly every sport right now? Well, believe it or not, people who don't root for Boston teams are not sitting at home cheering about it. You should lighten up or stick to your poetry blogs.
The DJ Augustin was just referring to how now that Durant is gone, it is his turn to tear it up at Texas.
the yao ming one is pretty good.
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