I know this isn’t a sports post, but in keeping with the general theme of the blog (that is, talking about things that matter), I’d like to take this opportunity to say something very important. If you really take a moment to think about Conversation Hearts, you will hate Valentine’s Day more than you already do. Guys, if you consider this candy a legitimate romantic gesture, you have waived your right to complain that your girlfriend is a moron. You set the bar pretty low. Ladies, if you likewise consider the gift as “sweet,” you are the reason for the female wage gap.
If you take a moment to think about what these chalky snacks actually say, you will understand what I mean:
- "You will be mine and you are not allowed to talk to anyone else. You are essentially my slave starting now."
- "In about a month and a half, I'm going to start getting really jealous that you have guy friends and wear incredibly revealing outfits. Thus, I decided to just flirt with you in the most authoritative manner possible so there are no surprises."
- “… I’ve done something horrible and I need to tell you about it.”
- “Although I went out of my way to use this odd, edible form of communication to get in touch with you. I understand that I could have just picked up the phone. But give me a buzz when you get a chance.”
- “… I’m trapped in 1992 and I’ve gotta get out of here.”
- “Since you're already MINE, I hope you realize there is an administrative component to the job, so you should familiarize yourself with the facsimile machine. I take my coffee black with one sugar, too.”
- Furthermore, I have to ask, “What, specifically, would you like me to fax you? Did you give me a form that I've forgotten to complete? Can I PDF it over to you? I have no idea where to go about faxing something.”
- “I love you so much but I am in a rush, so I hope you appreciate my efficient use of shorthand.”
- “I luv u, in the deep, meaningful way a fourth grader writes about Justin Bieber on her LiveJournal.”
- "And you luved me too, until you realized that I am either a horrible speller or I find the one additional letter to be too burdensome to etch into this chalky candy."
- “Because nothing says “true love” quite like this flavorless, heart-shaped piece of sh*t.”
- “I understand the divorce rate is hovering at 50%, but I promise that won’t happen to us. You do not understand that my love is pure and genuine. Perhaps this banana-flavored morsel can convince you otherwise?”
- “Words cannot describe how terrific you are, so please accept this alphanumeric combination. It’s funny, because I made it nice and phonetic for you.”
- “UR also 2NICE2B4GOT10.”
- “As you may have realized by my use of unorthodox communication techniques, I’m bad with words and incredibly awkward. If you’d prefer I not speak, you could prevent me from doing so with a kiss.”
- “Assuming the rest of my tyrannical commands were a huge hit, you are cordially invited hereby required to kiss me. If you luv me, you’ll do it.”
- “But technically, you are mine. So I rule.”
- “… If by ‘rule,’ I mean ‘are desperate enough to fall for this sh*t.’”
- “However, these Conversation Heart packages were 3 for a dollar, so more like only you and two other people.”
- “… Would be dumb enough to think these are romantic gestures as opposed to impulse buys.”
Bottom line, just email your girlfriend. Maybe something along the lines of:
Gurl, I luv u so much I can’t wait to fax you about it later.
Your Possession for All Eternity