As is fairly obvious, I am what most people refer to as a Tomboy. I’m not sure how I ended up this way, but it probably has something to do with the fact that I’m one of the most competitive people in the universe, I grew up in one of America’s greatest sports cities, and I like to see people lose. I threw a tantrum when my parents painted my childhood bedroom pink. As a cheerleader, I got in trouble for paying more attention to the games than to the cheers. I’ve always had more male friends than “gal pals.” Don’t get me wrong. I’m a (self-proclaimed) stylish dresser; I’ve seen every episode of Sex and the City; I get a manicure at least once every two weeks, and my girl friends are fantastic. But somewhere along the line, I became more interested in Allen Iverson than Malibu Barbie, and I haven’t looked back.
The Super Bowl is one of the only sporting events that most women actually watch. To avoid being accusatory, I won’t guess the reasons for this (e.g. “It’s an excuse for a party!”, “The commercials are so funny!”, etc.). But in honor of this most-joyous week, I give to you, ladies of America, A Girl’s Guide to Sports.
- Don’t just like sports because your boyfriend does. If you don't like sports, that's OK. Don't pretend to. It's like dying your hair blonde if your natural color is dark brown: your roots are going to show sooner than you think. The simple solution is to stop pretending you're someone you're not, and just date a guy who is likewise not interested in sports. I don't know where to find one of them, but I hear they exist. Try attending a Nickelback concert or going to a drum circle.
- Whatever you do, don’t wear a pink jersey. Pink jerseys were invented for women who know nothing about sports. I’m guessing that a very business-savvy clothing designer came up with the idea sometime around Valentine’s Day, right around the era of the Bedazzler. Let me put this into context: pink jerseys are like knockoff purses; they’re an attempt to say “Look how stylish I am!” but the real fashionistas see right through it, trust me. Also, the same goes for pink hats. Unless it's October, then it's OK.
- Even though Professional Wrestling isn’t considered a “real sport,” it’s something you should know a lot about. The WWE is a soap opera for men. See, isn’t this fun already?! Start your research with Hulk Hogan. Like many women, he likes reality TV and tanning, so you can relate. Furthermore, he is a wrestling legend and was the first wrestler to win two Royal Rumbles in a row! Eventually, you’ll stumble upon another great wrestler, Ric Flair (a.k.a. “The Nature Boy”). You’ll start to learn who hates whom, each wrestler's signature move(s), and why everyone thinks Vince McMahon is an egotistical dictator. If, at the conclusion of your research, you still: (1) think the Undertaker is someone who manages funerals, (2) are interested in trying the Rock’s deliciously smelling recipe, or (3) think the Powerbomb is a weapon of mass destruction, wrestling is not your thing.
- Know the game rules. This is a very important rule. Have you ever noticed how much people yell during sporting events? Do you know what they’re yelling about? Officials misinterpreting, or flat-out ignoring, the rules. You want to yell, too, don’t you ladies? We do it all the time; it’s usually directed at our boyfriends, but here’s an idea: join forces. Instead of yelling at a guy for breaking imaginary rules you’ve concocted in your psyche, bond with aforementioned boyfriend and yell at someone else, someone who actually got legitimate, established rules wrong. When this happens, the repercussions are heart breaking. If you don’t believe me, YouTube “Galarraga Perfect Game.” Knowing the rules will also help you understand why some coaches are great and some coaches are just fat blobs who never made it. You get bonus points for understanding the rules so well that you get mad about “poor time management” or when you appreciate why sometimes, it’s better to punt (Spoiler alert!: the answer is field positioning).
- This year, don’t be shallow when picking your Super Bowl favorite. Don’t root for Tom Brady over Eli Manning because of Brady’s sexy body, perfect jaw line, (formerly) trendy Uggs, or amazing hair. Don’t be that superficial. Root for him because this is his 5th Super Bowl, or because he had 32 straight regular-season games with at least one touchdown pass, or because of his crazy winning percentage (.780). Be an educated sports fan, for God’s sake!
You go, girl.