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• Doc Rivers Pays Homage to His Fellow Legend, Bill Belichick

  December 11, 2012

  DATELINE: HUMOR!

  Doc Rivers, coach of the Boston Celtics and friend of the coach of the New England Patriots, took in the Monday night game against the once-feared Houston Texans.

  Rivers was given the keys to the Belichick special box and also had an inside view of the game preparation by his fellow champion. Rivers was duly impressed at the team execution of what the coach requested.

  Rivers explained how much he learned from attending Patriot games. That may be why Belichick once asked Doc to lecture the football team on spirit and cohesion.

  When asked, Rivers unabashedly said that Rajon Rondo was the Celtics version of Tom Brady, equating a quarterback with a point guard for long passes. Whether he meant any additional connections was best left unsaid.

  No one asked if the comparison came about because the Celtics star, Rajon Rondo, had come to the game with Doc.

  No one had to ask Rondo if he thought of himself as the equivalent of Brady. Rondo, circumspect as always, kept his opinions close to the vest. He wore a Wes Welker jersey. Enough said. 

  Rivers continued to point out how agog he was at the relationship between Brady and Belichick. Only one other coach/star constellation occurred to Doc, and—no, it was not Rondo and himself.

  In fact, Rivers thought in terms of rapport he was more in tune with Kevin Garnett in personal terms.

  Rivers was also a tad envious that Bill Belichick had only to prepare for one game per week, as opposed to the Celtics coach’s four or five games in a week. He must have also been impressed to see players that did exactly what the coach ordered.

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• Leaving on a New York Jets Plane: The Patriots Sing the Same Tune

  October 23, 2012

  DATELINE: HUMOR!

   

  Wasn’t it Yogi Berra who said, “It was déjà vu all over again”?

  You can count on a New York athlete to sum up the problems of a Boston team. In this case, it was the New England Patriots—all over again. It was Jets QB Mark Sanchez who gave the Patriots another close shave with their exposed throat ready to be cut.

  For the fourth time of the 2012 season, the Pats lost a lead and a killer instinct in the fourth quarter. You can blame all three phases of the game as the cliché goes. We would not have presumed Mark Sanchez as having the killer instinct of the Boston Strangler.

  Brady looked like a man who spent his youth with a killer instinct that has deserted him in his senior years as an NFL QB.

  The defense continues to be unable to corral any runner or stop any passer from making first downs.

  Tom Brady took a sip from the Fountain of Youth in regulation time with a minute left and brought the team down to field goal range. Playing in overtime, the Patriots stuffed the knife point down the throat of the Jets again.

  Yet we worry that the killer instinct has gone to Sunnybrook Farm, or perhaps that is Happy Valley. It’s a location where dribbling isn’t done on the basketball court, and fans have gone round the bend because of lost opportunity and consistent inconsistency.

  Brandon Lloyd, the new 85, continues to look like Ochocinco. The mold seems to be cast and Lloyd fits right into it. The defense, league’s second worst in a Super Bowl year, seems to have gone to the nadir and discovered a bottom rung.

  Tom Brady gave his weekly radio interview on Monday morning to the Dennis and Callahan radio show to repeat ad nauseum, “We’ve got to make the plays.”

  If you didn’t hear the message, he repeated it again and again.  The lady doth protest too much.

   

   

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• Belichick’s Playbook is Not for Remedial Readers

  October 20, 2012

  DATELINE: HUMOR!

  See Spot run.

  The New England Patriot playbook has been dumbed down enough for Ochocinco to be able to read, to memorize, and to understand it. It falls into the category of too little too late for the former Patriot, former married man, and former NFL player.

  Though Dick and Jane have been out of the reading business for a few generations now, it may be key literature in the Belichick learning canon.

  Run, Woody, run. See Ridley run. Run, run, run, Bolden.

  Without Tom Brady throwing on every play, or even every other play, the Patriots did some fancy footwork in their winning efforts. Tom can’t be expected to read and to run every play in the book. Last week he read that wristband like it held instructions for the Heimlich Maneuveur. He kept looking for the play page for CPR.

   In Seattle, they Patriots looked like they were too illiterate to understand Josh McDaniels and his form of literacy. As a result, Russell Whatchamacallit started to look like Bart Starr. We fear the speed-reading rate for Tim Tebow (or even his fellow bellhop Mark Sanchez in the NFL hostel to the stars) may be when the Jets show up Sunday.

  Tebow is a notorious disabled learner with dyslexia. For him the Belichick playbook may look like the libretto for Turandot.

  Moving the ball without a huddle, however it occurs, makes the fans giddy, especially when it happens in non-stop attacks for five first downs across the field. It makes Brady an observer who will live to play another day.

  With precision that is often required of brain surgeons, Brady fascinated the faithful with his performance against Denver, reading like I.A. Richards, not Y.A. Tittle. He called plays so interestingly that his mike was turned up on the televised game. We could hear him calling for whiskey and rice pudding.

  If the whiskey pudding plays don’t make this week’s playbook, we may be playing for time. If the Jets win, the Patriots may have a hard time proving their literate aptitude to football fans everywhere.

  If another loss bites Spot in the wrong spot, we shall say loudly, “Run, Tom, run.”  There is a lynch mob right behind you.

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• Tom Brady of Foxboro Falls Off His Camel

  October 16, 2012

  DATELINE: HUMOR!

   

  Like Lawrence of Arabia, Tom Brady has begun to raise serious questions in the minds of his worshippers. This is never a good omen for a god.

  After T.E. Lawrence established his credibility with the Bedouin and Betu, they admired him and followed him on camel across the desert. Lawrence led them to victory upon victory against the Turks.

  Since 2002 Tom Brady has established his credibility with Bill Belichick and the media, they have fawned all over him, chasing him across the decade and 5 Super Bowls. He could take a team behind in the fourth quarter and toss TD upon TD.

  Now like the mighty Lawrence of Arabia, the mighty Brady of Foxboro no longer walks upon the roofs of derailed trains while his followers chanted his name. Only a silver bullet could kill him, or so Lawrence told the press.

  Brady’s Patriot train has derailed all right, and the natives are shooting at him.

  In Lawrence’s case, it was a clear case of believing your own press dispatches. Perhaps since walking upon train wrecks season after season, Tom Brady has taken a silver bullet one too many times.

  Just as Lawrence’s Arabian followers began to realize he was not perfect, Brady has had young hotshots from places like Seattle scoffing in his ear that he is merely human after all. He is not a team, but only one lonely miracle worker.

  Alas lately, Tom has been unable to help the deaf and dumb to see and to hear.

  When pathetic braggarts like Seattle’s Richard Sherwood comes out of the dark forest to intercept a Brady pass, he seems to think he is entitled to disparage the greatest QB. Sherman has limited playing days but no limits on his motor mouth.

  Lack of respect finally did in T.E. Lawrence, sending him home and ending his illustrious career. Tom Brady is now facing the disrespect of those without memory of his greatness. Why should he stick around to suffer fools?

  Seattle may be to Tom Brady what Deraa was to Lawrence of Arabia. It was not quite Waterloo, but served as the reminder that all good things must come to an end.

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• Patsies All Wet in Seattle

  October 14, 2012

   

   

  DATELINE: HUMOR!
  

  That noise was not a windy gust, but the gusty wind of the fans in Seattle. Combined with a light drizzle that fell with more soak than you get in a Nor’easter, Tom Brady was drenched in bad throws.

  We thought Mt. St. Helens was blowing its top, but it was only the oddball fans of the Seattle Seahawks celebrating.

  Two interceptions, intentional groundings, and bouncing balls to his receivers made Brady’s game a high-wire act that thrilled the home crowd and made Patriot fans seasick.

  Brady exceeded his all-time high of passes, which certainly made the vaunted balanced offense look lopsided as it listed like the Luisitania in its death throes.

  The peanut-size rookie quarterback of the Seahawks, Russell Wilson, was running like Tim Tebow, and the Patriots looked like little chickens with the sky falling. The QB was running like a rookie trying to get to his Subway sandwich. No wait, that’s the other rookie QB, RGIII.

  Pete Carroll was dropping more F-bombs than a loser, but looked completely insane on the sidelines, acting like a teenager winning the contest as prom queen.

  Brady could not match the running of Wilson, but Brandon Lloyd started looking like Chad Ochocinco with nearly every ball falling out of his fingertips. He was also so agile, but caught one when it counted, too little, too late.

  The Pats’ secondary came off second best again.

  If the Patriots were to stay overnight in Seattle, they’d surely be sleepless. However, the sleepless flight back to New England will provide enough time in a claustrophobic setting to point fingers and find recriminations everywhere.

  The ball was slip sliding away more often than a Paul Simon song, and a decade ago Tom Brady might have marched down the field to win the game. With raindrops falling on Brady's head, New England fans had to face the St. Vitus victory dance of Pete Carroll.

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• Dream Nest for Sale After Patriot Hears Paul Revere Did Not Ride Past

  October 20, 2011

  
  

  

  Patriots Paul Revere and Tom Brady.

  DATELINE: HUMOR!
  

  The super Patriot of 21^st century has found the super patriot of 1776 did not ride by his fancy Beacon Street house to announce the Jets were coming.

   

  The lovely townhouse residence in the middle of historic Boston was nowhere near the route taken by Paul Revere to get out of town fast one night in 1776. Tom was also shocked to learn that Paul Revere rode north to Lexington, not south to Foxboro.

  Tom Brady originally thought that George Washington had slept there in the spare bedroom, and the possibility made him a better Patriot.

  Now Brady’s dream house in Brentwood is nearing completion and makes this Beantown bachelor pad look like a foreclosure on the northside of Las Vegas.

  Tom Brady is trying to unload his white elephant of a mansion on Beacon Street in Boston. The property has been listed at fire sale price of $10.5 million.

  Something must be rotten in Boston because this is the second time the happily wedded superstars Tom and Giselle have tried to move out of this oversized crib.

  The master bedroom features the usual his and her dressing rooms and a bathtub in which you may dock the Queen Mary. There are also separate vanities for those whose vanity is so strong that they need to be isolated from the other half.

  The modest home is actually a greystone amid brownstones, which was the popular home living in the 19^th century.

  Alas, the house features poor onstreet parking, and if you are not careful, some fool will run a stoplight nearby and collide into your leased gift car.

  Whether noise or proximity to bars is leading to Tom’s decision to take his hausfrau out the neighborhood could be related to the infestation of college students that frequent the area.

  Mortgage payments must be eating up Tom because he is now lowering the asking price to $10.5 million, down a half mill from a lack of interest.

  No offer will be overlooked, and no word has been offered on where Tom and Gisele may open their next local digs. After Manny Ramirez left the neighborhood several years ago, the neighborhood hasn’t amounted to a hill of beans in Beantown.

  William Russo's newest book is now out, ready for your tablet, your smartphone, your Kindle or Nook. Read RED SOX 2011: A WHIMSICAL AUTOPSY to find a month-by-month examination of the team, showing all the signs of trouble that most sports media missed. His other sports books are SEX, DRUGS, SPORTS & WHIMSY and RAJON RONDO: SUPERSTAR!
  

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