Originally written on The Queensbury Rules  |  Last updated 9/6/14

HOLLYWOOD - MARCH 30: Promoter Bob Arum (C) and the Rockstar Energy Drink girls attend 'The Battle of East and West', a promotion for the May 2, 2009 World Junior Welterweight Championship boxing match held at the Roosevelt Hotel on March 30, 2009 in Hollywood, California. (Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images)
Top Rank founder and CEO Bob Arum announced today that he has signed an extension of his contract with Satan, the Prince of Darkness, through 2015, with a mutual option for 2016.

Under the terms of the deal, the devil will continue to ensure that Top Rank retains its privileged position at the forefront of boxing promoters. Satan will guarantee television and pay-per-view dates for Top Rank; make certain that top fighters remain within the stable and new stars are added; and deflect interference from legitimate media sources, the law and disgruntled fans.

In exchange, Arum has promised his eternal soul to the ancient serpent, as well as those of several other undisclosed Top Rank employees and contracted fighters.

“Top Rank and Satan have maintained one of the longest, most successful professional relationships in the history of boxing,” Arum said. “I am proud to announce that this association will continue unabated.”

The longtime partnership began in 1966, when Arum exchanged the rights to his spiritual essence for the right to promote heavyweight champion Muhammad Ali. The deal established Arum as a dominant promotional force in boxing, although it left him deprived of some basic human elements like shame, empathy, and decency.

In the ensuing decades, Arum promoted many of the most successful fighters and most lucrative fights in the sport, thanks in large part to the unseen orchestrations of his partner, Beelzebub.

The only hiccup in the mutually beneficial relationship occurred over a 2003 contract dispute, during which Arum hinted that he had never really needed the assistance of the dark prince and was considering severing the partnership. Satan subsequently coordinated an FBI raid of Top Rank’s offices in January 2004.

Following the raid, the two overcame their differences and brokered a new contract. As a result, the investigation into Arum’s practices fizzled out with no charges filed.

Although Satan has long been engaged in working relationships with many in the boxing community, including Arum’s current nemeses Richard Schaefer and Oscar De La Hoya and his longtime rival Don King, the ruler of the demons insists that his involvement with Arum is particularly special to him.

“He’s like a son to me,” Satan said in a rare statement confirming the new contract. “I could not ask for a better serpent... servant! Better servant!”

Arum took no offense to the malapropism, laughing congenially with the Prince of Darkness as the two began planning the fall boxing schedule.

(The Rabbit Punch is a satirical column. Any persons, events, descriptions, opinions, or insults contained herein are not intended to be taken seriously. You didn’t take this seriously, did you? Seriously? Then send your complaints on Twitter to @SDKraus and await my indifference.)
MORE FROM YARDBARKER

Report: Cardinals fear Drew Stanton is out for season

Bears coach apologizes for anonymous criticism of Cutler

Report: Wisconsin coaches never got promised car, car stipends

Derek Jeter shares sage advice on how to avoid bad press

St. Louis Rams make monetary donation to police charity

Confusing: Marlins GM Dan Jennings trades P Dan Jennings

LIKE WHAT YOU SEE?
GET THE DAILY NEWSLETTER:

Tigers GM: Detroit not in 'active pursuit' of Max Scherzer

Rondo channels Brady, accepts blame for Celtics’ struggles

Report: FSU QB Jameis Winston won’t attend Heisman ceremony

Warriors GM: We have reached out to Ray Allen

Twins add Ervin Santana to a veteran-heavy rotation

Jeff Fisher wants Sam Bradford back with Rams in 2015

2014's best sports media feuds

WATCH: Footage of Kobe's practice meltdown has surfaced

The Matt Kemp trade feels like the Vernon Wells trade

FOX to showcase Johnny Manziel's first start to the nation

DeSean Jackson plans to wear custom ‘I Can’t Breathe’ cleats

The 10 most expensive bowl games of 2014-2015

Women’s Tennis Association signs a new $525M TV contract

The Pistons are really bad and there’s no end in sight

Jon Gruden on Jay Gruden ‘mess’ in DC: ‘I wish him luck’

Bill Belichick trolls Rob Gronkowski over kitten photos

Los Angeles Dodgers rework the script and reload the clip

Astros book Taylor Swift concert at stadium during playoffs

Boxing News
Delivered to your inbox
You'll also receive Yardbarker's daily Top 10, featuring the best sports stories from around the web. Customize your newsletter to get articles on your favorite sports and teams. And the best part? It's free!

By clicking "Sign Me Up", you have read and agreed to the Fox Sports Digital Privacy Policy and Terms of Use. You can opt out at any time. For more information, please see our Privacy Policy.

The best sports media feuds of 2014

Jeter advises on how to avoid bad press

Video surfaces of Kobe's practice tirade

Tigers GM: Team not pursuing Scherzer

Dodgers rework the script, reload the clip

Astros book Swift show during playoffs

10 amazing Heisman Trophy statistics

Dodgers trade Matt Kemp to Padres

10 injuries that changed NFL season

Twice-traded pitcher sends great tweet

Pettine 'excited' to see Manziel

5 NFL players who could be traded in offseason

Today's Best Stuff
For Bloggers

Join the Yardbarker Network for more promotion, traffic, and money.

Company Info
Help
What is Yardbarker?

Yardbarker is the largest network of sports blogs and pro athlete blogs on the web. This site is the hub of the Yardbarker Network, where our editors and algorithms curate the best sports content from our network and beyond.