Breaking! Must credit HSR. Urban Meijer hires assistant coaches.

Although some news reports indicate that Urban Meijer is, in fact, not a store and actually a human being who goes by the unlikely name of "Urban Meyer," this is a clearly-perpetrated smokescreen designed by the Ohio athletic department in order to misdirect Michigan from knowing their true plans. However, we here at Hoover Street Rag have not fallen for the ruse, and we have discovered that Urban Meijer has all but locked up the following assistant coaches, who will be revealed after the jump. Strength & Conditioning Coach: Art Van In this post-Mike Barwis era at Michigan, the strength training techniques used by Art Van may seem antiquated, but there is no denying that they get results. By following a strict regimen of team sofa lifting, mattress removal, and recliner delivery, Ohio players will develop the strength to move heavy objects like opposing linemen, the dexterity to squeeze large objects through very small doorways, and the control to move quickly without...