Found November 22, 2012 on
New England Patriots
Green Bay Packers
Ohio State Buckeyes
Starting at a young age we Buckeye fans are taught to hate Michigan. We are also taught never to say **********. Well only one of those lessons stuck because we ******* HATE MICHIGAN. Welcome to your one stop shop for hating Michigan. If you aren’t quick witted like us and struggle with the comebacks we have you covered. Of course no guide to hating Michigan would be complete without input from Buckeye Nation. So, enter your best Michigan joke in the comments section, the more inappropriate the better. Consider this post to have the one rule you wished strip clubs had: Anything Goes! On Monday morning Buckeye Empire will meet and crown a champion. Winner gets a free Buckeye Empire shirt of their choice and bragging rights for life. If you are easily offended stop here and stick to saying “Muck Fichigan” because things are about to get inappropriate. Some of these have been passed down through the years and some of these are @personally_foul originals.
Q&A Michigan Jokes
Q: What does the Michigan Football Team and a Michigan Cheerleader have most in common?
A: They both suck for 4 quarters.
Q: What’s more disgusting then 2 girls 1 cup?
A: 11 Maize and Blue players on a football field.
Q: What do you get with a house full of Michigan fans?
A: An Arson charge.
Q: What do you call a 250 pound Michigan Cheerleader?
Q: What the difference between a Michigan cheerleader and an elephant?
A: about 50 pounds.
Q: How do you kill a Michigan fan?
A: Give him a pair of scissors and ask him “Who’s special?”
Q: What does a Michigan fan do after the Wolverines win the BCS National Championship?
A: He turns off his Xbox
Q: Why do Michigan women wear high heels?
A: To keep their knuckles from dragging on the ground.
Q: What does Michigan and pot have in common?
A: They both get smoked in bowls.
Q: Why do Michigan fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicapped spaces.
Q: What do Michigan fans and cats have in common?
A: They’ll both get killed in Xenia, OH
Q: Why did Michigan change their field from grass to turf?
A: To keep the UM cheerleaders from grazing on the field.
Q: What do you get when you get 32 Michigan fans together?
A: A full set of teeth.
Q: What do Michigan graduates and tornadoes have in common?
A: They both end up in trailer parks.
Q: Where do you go in Ann Arbor in case of a tornado?
A: The Big House, they never have a touchdown there.
Q: How do you keep a Michigan fan out of your yard?
A: Put up a goal post and paint roses on the grass beneath it.
Q: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at Michigan weddings?
A: To keep flies off the bride.
Q: How many Michigan freshman does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None it’s a sophomore course.
Q: What does the average Michigan student get on his SAT?
Q: What do you call a good looking girl on Michigan’s campus?
A: A visitor
Q: Why do Michigan fans prefer rectal thermometers?
A: They like the taste via @jnugular
Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Michigan campus?
A: A visitor.
Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Michigan library?
A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.
Q: Why should the University of Michigan change its name to the “Opossums”?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Q: What do you get when you cross a groundhog and a Wolverine?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.
Q: How do you make University of Michigan cookies?
A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours
Q: What do you get when you cross a University of Michigan fan and a pig?
A: Nothing. There’s some things that a pig will not do.
Q: How do you get a Michigan girl into her dorm room?
A: Grease her hips and push.
Q: What is a Michigan girls best form of birth control?
A: Turning the lights on.
Q: What’s the difference between Michigan and Hiroshima?
A: Not enough.
Q: What do you call a Michigan girl who is faster than her brothers?
A: a virgin.
Q: What’s the difference between a Michigan cheerleaders and a police car?
A: You can only get four guys in a police car via @suckatsports
Q: What’s the difference between a dead Michigan fan and a corvette?
A: I don’t have a corvette in my garage.
Q: How do you get a Michigan fan pregnant?
A: Cum on her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
Michigan babies are so ugly even their incubators are tinted.
We don’t support abortion, unless it’s in Michigan.
If a couple in Ann Arbor get divorced are they still brother and sister?
Michigan’s defense has more gaping holes than Kim Kardashian.
Denard should take his mom’s advice and go into acting.
Justin Bieber recently was seen puking on stage at one of his concerts. Rumor has it he just finished watching Denard’s last game.
When Michigan fans take Viagra they get taller.
Michigan Football. Being stupid mouth breathers since 1879.
We ran into our 1st Michigan fan this week…with our car.
UM fans love OSU Michigan week. All year long they deal with ED, but at least this week they can get a fear boner.
Every one of the Michigan cheerleaders would be at the bottom of the pyramid at any other school.
You can’t spell cum dumpster without UM.
Denard Robinson couldn’t hit an ugly chick with a football if he was standing in the middle of Ann Arbor.
In honor of hating all Wolverines this week **** Hugh Jackman via @OsuUrbanMeyer
I had a Michigan fan over to my house today, he was delivering my pizza.
It’s obvious that Michigan is the Stanford of the Midwest with alumni like Ted Kaczynski and Dr. Jack Kevorkian.
Obviously Michigan fans know football I mean these are the people who cheered when Tom Brady got benched for Drew Henson.
Brady Hoke Jokes
Q: What is it that Brady Hoke has between his titties that a 25 year old doesn’t?
A: His belly button
Q: Why will there be only two pall bearers at Brady Hoke’s funeral?
A: There are only two handles on a garbage can.
Brady Hoke is so fat he gave the hospital stretch marks.
Brady Hoke is so fat when he showers his feet don’t get wet.
The only thing worse than being Brady Hoke is being stuck behind him in line at Taco Bell.
It was reported that Michigan head football coach Brady Hoke will only be dressing twenty players for the Ohio State game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.
Hoked (adj): to eat so much one goes cross eyed and sweats butter. “I couldn’t eat another bite, I’m Hoked”.
We almost same Brady Hoke on 60 minutes. We say almost because he couldn’t fit on the whole screen.
Brady Hoke got arrested at the Columbus airport for 10 pounds of crack.
We hate Brady Hoke more than he hates to diet.
Things that make us HATE Michigan even more:
Kate Upton: we hate ourselves every time we jerk off to her.
Denard’s retarded feed me. (we know he stole that from watching Brady Hoke at an all you can eat KFC)
The fact that as soon as you cross the state line into Michigan it smells like cat piss and ****.
All their women are fat as ****.
Ohio??? It’s Ohio State you worthless *****.
Things that make us LIKE Michigan even more:
Ahhh we feel better. Go Bucks! **** Michigan!
Leave your jokes in the comments section below.
Jason and Aaron
BEST OF MAXIM
No passing of the torch here: just a handshake
Some things never change, but a lot of things do.
There was not a passing of the torch from Tom Brady to Andrew Luck on Sunday, as the Patriots dominated the Colts in every sense of the word. The Pats’ 59-24 stomping of Indianapolis showed the NFL that Foxboro is still not a place any team wants to travel come January.
But it was...
The New England Patriots are coming off a explosive 59-24 victory over the Indianapolis Colts and head into MetLife Stadium to face off with the high-flying New York Jets with only four days to prepare for their Thanksgiving night matchup.
Nobody knows preparation against Gang Green better than Tom Brady (he is 17-5 vs. the Jets since 2001) and, while it's not hard to picture...
After the New England Patriots destroyed the New York Jets on Thanksgiving Day, quarterback Tom Brady got to chow down with some of his teammates with NBC's Michelle Tafoya.
Check out Tom digging in on a turkey leg and kinda enjoying it....
The Patriots face a short turnaround this week as they prepare to take on the Jets on Thanksgiving evening.
So it’s only reasonable that the first thing quarterback Tom Brady would be worrying about as New England hurries to get ready is whether his teammates are playing too many video games. But that’s what Brady said during his media time Tuesday.
While coach Bill Belichick...
Rutgers and Maryland?
To paraphrase Brady Hoke, this is definitely not your father's Big Ten.
The old Western Conference is now moving into New York and Baltimore, with plans for a league office on the East Coast. And they probably aren't done.
Remember, during the height of conference realignment craziness, pundits predicting we're headed for four 16-team super-conferences...
While many shoppers will be setting their alarm clocks bright and early on Friday morning to take advantage of some huge deals, Tom Brady won’t be one of them.
Instead, Brady will be sleeping off another game, after battling the New York Jets on Thanksgiving night. Besides, Brady doesn’t need to go bargain-hunting — he’s already up to his hair in high fashion.
The Super Bowl...
There were no sighs of relief, no jumps for joy when the New York Jets found out they wouldn't have to worry about Rob Gronkowski this week.
Sure, the New England Patriots lost perhaps the league's top playmaking tight end for a few weeks with a broken forearm. But Rex Ryan's team knew better than to celebrate.
''I don't know,'' Ryan said, shaking...
Tom Brady couldn't believe what happened. Neither could Bill Belichick, nor the rest of the New England Patriots, for that matter.
They were up 7-0 on the New York Jets one minute, and 28-0 the next. Literally.
Three touchdowns in 52 seconds. That was all it took to send the high-scoring Patriots to a 49-19 victory Thursday night - and put the bumbling Jets on the verge of...
Tom Brady’s former backup QB finally has a new home. Brian Hoyer, Brady’s backup for three years (2009-11) signed with the Pittsburgh Steelers on Tuesday. The Steelers are currently without Ben Rothlisberger and Byron Leftwich, both are dealing with injuries that will keep them out a few more weeks. Hoyer was cut by the Patriots [...]
“I brought you a little something.”
‘Twas the Night before Michigan
And all through the Land
Not a Buckeye was stirring
Not even the Band
Urban was watching
Film for “The Game”
While Coach Brady Hoke
Was listening for “KFC” to call his name
Braxton was ready
Running plays through his head
While John Simon could barely
Stay in his bed
The biggest game for the...
After everyone is full of turkey, or if you are Canadian like me and just like football, the NFL has an AFC East rivalry game featuring the (7-3) Patriots and the (4-6) New York Jets. There is definately no love loss here as this is one of the better rivalry in the NFL. We all no the story lines – Belichick vs Rex, Brady vs Jets defense, Sanchez vs Tebow… and so on. Both teams...
Joe Caporoso - 12 Pack
Chris Gross- Jets 24, New England 21: Tomorrow, the Jets will display the same mentality that they had last week in St. Louis, the mindset that their backs are against the wall and they need to swing from the hip to survive throughout the rest of the season. While New York is historically bad under Rex Ryan when facing the Patriots in the clubs’ second...
Generally when two division rivals hook up in a meaningful football game on National TV it’s usually a knock down, drag out affair. Such was not the case in the Thanksgiving Night game between the New England Patriots and the New York Jets at MetLife Stadium in East Rutherford NJ even though the first quarter was scoreless.
In the second quarter New England exploded for a...
Mmmm, Thanksgiving is almost here. Food, family, friends, football…
This year, we even get lucky with the Patriots on Thanksgiving night, which gives you ample time to eat, pass out, wake up, drink a bottle of Jack Daniels, yell at your family for not understanding you, call you wife fat, eat a turkey sandwich and try to fight your uncle before the game starts. It is Thanksgiving...
Steve Gregory's spark was enough to get the Patriots' offense going.After the New York Jets won the coin toss, the Patriots received the ball. It was not what Patriot fans had hoped for as Tom Brady went three and out to start. On the following drive, Brady got the Patriots in field-goal range where Stephen Gostkowski missed a 39-yarder. As the Jets were moving the chains...