Goldy the Gopher Gets Religious With Penn State's Jerome Hayes

The scene: Beaver Stadium moments before Saturday's Minnesota-Penn State game. Penn State charges onto the field; several players undertake their customary pregame prayers. One, Jerome Hayes, does this in front of the visiting Golden Gopher. GOLDY INTERNAL MONOLOGUE: Oh crap oh crap oh crap. I did it again. Stupid, stupid Goldy. Always taking the mascot hijinks too far. I barely kept my job after I had Tim Brewster's wife kidnapped by a shiftless drifter and Steve Buscemi, and now I've decided to mock a defensive lineman's prayer to his God in front of 110,000 Penn State fans. Couldn't have been a slot receiver, no, had to be a lineman. I'm a dead man. JEROME HAYES INTERNAL MONOLOGUE: I am going to make that Gopher eat its tail. Amen. GOLDY: Wait. Wait, what if I'm actually praying? Then this is a prayer circle-type thing. No one can get on me for praying. Okay. Okay. Dear Gopher Jesus, please prevent Jerome Hayes from beating m...