Agent Smith weighs in on Brian Kelly, Notre Dame

Why just the other day, I sat down and had lunch with one of my favorite people on this planet, Agent Smith. You might know him as that guy who keeps the peace in The Matrix. I know he seems like a hard-ass, but when he's off the clock, he's really a delight with a great sense of humor.

So there we were, enjoying the lunch buffet at Cheetah's, and he starts going on and on about human beings. He throws around phrases like "meat sticks" and "flawed monkeys," but he's had a few so I let him go. Plus he could kill me with one karate chop to the neck, so what could I do anyway?

Then he gets to that rant you guys all know. He says to me, "SSB, every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment, but you humans do not. You move to an area and you multiply and multiply until every natural resource is consumed and the only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is?"

I said, "Yeah, Smith. I know. A virus."

"No," he says. "Brian Kelly."

I bet you didn't know that Agent Smith was such a big college football fan. He's also a Central Michigan alum, so he's sort of bitter about the way Kelly just moves from one team to the next after extracting everything he can from that school. I usually don't listen to sports advice from a guy who wears sunglasses indoors, but Smith's got a point.

After three years at Central Michigan, he left for Cincinnati after winning a MAC championship. After three years at Cincinnati, he left for Notre Dame after winning a Big East championship. Is it only a matter of time before he leaves Notre Dame for a better job, like assistant night manager at the Macon, Georgia, Chick-fil-A?

If you're jacked into the Matrix, then I guess you can kid yourself into thinking that Kelly is taking a huge step up in going to Notre Dame. Of course if you're unplugged, you'll notice that Notre Dame isn't the draw it used to be, since just about every major program is on TV 90 percent of the time. You've also probably noticed the lack of success on the field and that Notre Dame is now one of those quaint programs that used to be great a long time ago, like I Love Lucy.

Job status aside, Kelly really is a heartless ladder-climber. Bailing on his schools before they even start practicing for their bowl games. Heck, it's not like he's bailing on Cincy because its playing in the Long John Silver's Flyin' Fish n' Fries Bowl. Cincy is in a freaking BCS bowl, and he's left them in the lurch for a school that's biggest bowl win in the last decade is the Hawaii Bowl.

You know how George Costanza always wanted to get out on a high note? That's Brian Kelly, only he's not as funny. Well, I think Brian Kelly looks like Ricky Gervais, and he's funny, so maybe if he someone could get footage of Kelly backing away from Mardy Ginyard and waving to him while saying, "Thank you! You've been great!" I'd be appreciative.

With Kelly only signed for five years, what's he going to do in 2013 after he has one 9-4 season and a sweet job in the SEC or Pac-10 or Big 12 opens up? You know. A job at a real school with a real chance at success?

I don't know. Not even Agent Smith knows. But five years from now when Notre Dame is 30-35 with five bowl losses and the Irish go looking for a new coach, I can hear Smith gloating...

"You hear that, SSB? That is the sound of inevitability. It is the sound of Notre Dame's death. Goodbye, Mr. Kelly..."