Under Review: For Three NFL Teams, Season Has Already Been Scripted

While Hollywood is constantly plucking sports headlines with which to make a buck, this season three NFL teams have turned the tables and looked to Tinsel Town to portray their current state of affairs. Film: Memento (based on the short story, "Memento Mori") Director: Christopher Nolan Premise: After a brutal attack leaves his wife dead, Leonard Shelby (Guy Pearce) cannot make new memories. As a result, Leonard is forced to live his life in a permanent state of CRS while searching for the mysterious "John G," who he believes killed his wife. NFL counterpart: The Philadelphia Eagles Director(s): Andy Reid, Joe Banner, Jeff Lurie For Andy Reid and the Eagles, this has been a season to forget, but much like the team's film counterpart, it's because they just can't seem to remember. Remember in the off-season when it was abundantly clear that the team's receiving corps was grossly overvalued while it perpetually underperformed? Nope. Remember the alarming disparity in play calling that plagued an offensive line asked to perpetually pass block while the oft-inaccurate, but very smiley, QB threw to those aforementioned wideouts? Nah. Remember those promises to commit to the run with a running back who, when healthy, dictates an opposing team's game plan? Uh, no. Okay, then you have to remember the week four loss to the Bears who dared you to run the ball on them from the goal line, which you did four times in a row, only to be stopped all four times? If not, then how about the week six game against the Skins and that pesky 2nd and 1 from the 2? Negative, ghost rider, the pattern is full. Athletes and coaches in every sport will tell you that it takes a short memory to foster a long career. Sadly, Philly fans are left to remember what the Eagle's Nest at the top of the Linc seems all too willing to forget. Film: The Butterfly Effect (based on the short story, "A Sound of Thunder") Directors: Eric Bress and J. Mackye Gruber Premise: Based loosely on Ray Bradbury's science fiction/string theory mind bender, "A Sound of Thunder," the always versatile Ashton Kutcher plays Evan Treborn (a play on the phrase event reborn), a troubled man who has a lifetime of repressed memories crammed into his rapidly filling head. Convinced he can make everything in his life perfect, Evan quickly realizes the more things change, the more they stay the same. NFL Counterpart: Detroit Lions Director(s): Matt Millen What if you could go back? What if you asked that girl to dance? What if you called that guy's bluff? What if you turned down that job offer in Detroit? What if you're Matt Millen? For the Detroit Lions and Matt Millen, the butterfly effect moment came in 2001 when Millen left his cushy post as a member of Fox's second-string broadcasting crew, behind Pat Summerall and John Madden, to become the CEO and de facto general manager of the Detroit Lions. Boasting exactly as much player development experience as I have, Millen decided to begin building a flag football team replete with inept quarterbacks and as many wide receivers as the current NFL rules allow to appear on the field at the same time. After drafting Joey Harrington with his first pick in 2002, Millen chose a wide receiver with his first pick in each of the next three drafts?Charles Rogers, Roy Williams, and Mike Williams. What Millen couldn't have foreseen was that Harrington would go on to become a member of an elite fraternity of first round busts. While certainly not the pledge master of such a fraternal order, a spot forever to be held by Ryan Leaf, Harrington's career numbers (56% CMP/79 TD/ 85 INT) insist he belongs in Kappa Delta Busta. Still, even after swallowing the Harrington pill, Millen remained the despot of this wide receiver empire, right? Of the three aforementioned first round wide receiver selections, only one is still in the league, Roy Williams, and he finally defected from Detroit this year after what can only be considered TO level whining, without the receptions and touchdowns. Charles Rogers and Mike Williams are both listed as free agents and neither has filed retirement papers with the league. The Lions are 28-81 since 2001, are staring a winless season right in the eyes, blinking all the while, and have become their own version of The Butterfly Effect, eternally wondering, "what if?" Film: Fight Club (based on the novel of the same name) Director: David Fincher Premise: An otherwise anonymous office worker (Edward Norton) is as bored with his life as he is angry with the nameless, faceless lot with which he is forced to work everyday. Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt) is a charismatic, if not enigmatic, leader of men and lover of women who represents everything Norton's character can never be. Together, they form an underground fight club where countless members come to beat on each other, rail on society, and bleed on unsuspecting club owners. NFL Counterpart: Indianapolis Colts Director(s): Tony Dungy and Peyton Manning For weeks, it's been hard to tell in the Colts are Tyler Durden or are searching for their Tyler Durden. After starting the season 3-4, including two thumpings by Chicago and Green Bay, fans, pundits, and fantasy owners alike were mourning the end of the Colts' reign as perennial playoff royalty. Seemingly disinterested and noticeably uninspiring for much of the season, the Colts were in search for their own fight club in which to take out their frustrations. In search of their own Tyler Durden to laugh and spit in the faces of his tormentors. In search of Peyton Manning. All the Colts' incarnation of Tyler Durden has done in the last four weeks is lead his team to four straight victories, complete 65% of his passes, throw 9 TDs against one pick, and remind the league that the Colts belong in the playoffs, the time and place for that fight club meeting to be determined. While Manning may never stand up and yell, "I am Tyler Durden" during one of his hysterical MasterCard commercials, this is for certain?the first rule of any Colts season is you don't talk about the Colts missing the postseason.