Andrew Bynum and his "I screwed up my knee bowling,' story
I give every Professional Athlete the benefit of the doubt, what the hell? But, Bynum's story, 'I screwed up my knee Bowling, well? Who yelled 'skeptic?' So I called a few cohorts, and Andrew, I gottcha. Here's what really went down:
The Official Story:
Philadelphia 76ers' center Andrew Bynum, confirmed an ESPN report that he injured his left knee Bowling. Bynum said he didn't remember when it happened, only that he noticed the swelling later. Bynum hasn't played yet for the Sixers in either the preseason or regular season since coming over from the Los Angeles Lakers. He was already in rehab for a knee problem.
The Real Story:
They sit together on the plane. Andrew Bynum, and his friend D.J. Player.
"Get away from Philly," says D.J. "Get some snow. Skiing. It'll be fun."
"Good, but I don't know how to ski," says Andrew. "Guess they'll teach me, right?"
"How tough can it be? Best athletes in the world play in the NBA."
"Yeah, I guess. Okay, if you say so. Won't hurt my knees? I'm in rehab, you know."
"Forget about it. You seen on TV how skiing's so smooth. It's snow. It's real soft, come on."
They land in Aspen, private motor coach, La Chateau Hotel, bags in the suite, and they're at the Ski Shop. All hyped.
Bob and Ray watch them enter.
"I know this guy" says Bob, big smile.
"Yeah, it's Andrew Bynum," says Ray, eyes wide. "Plays with the Lakers...no 76ers. He's here to ski?"
"I didn't think they let players...Hello, gentlemen, looking to do some skiing?"
"Set us up," says D.J. "We're going skiing."
"Do you know what you'd...like...?" asked Ray.
"Whatever we need, guys, " says Andrew. "I only got a few days. Gotta get back for rehab in Philly, so..."
"Okay," says Ray. "Where do you want to start?"
Andrew and D.J. scan the shop, blink, look at each other, then back at Bob and Ray.
"Gentleman," says Bob. "No problem. You need our Klondike ThreeDogNight Sub Celsius Power Package.
"You get the Iceman Suspension Skis with full sidewalls, full wood core, with a titanium coat, creating a powerful driving ski with an edge that transfers all your power to the snow. It has a 5mm tip rocker that gives you a real smooth turn. You get Iceman Fire Rocket X200 Ski Boots with the strength to resist twisting. And there's a 60 degree instep retention buckle..."
"We'll take it...we'll take two," says D.J.
"And what about pants, mittens, long underwear...?" says Ray.
"Yup," says Andrew. "Whatever we need."
After an hour, looking, trying on, too big, that's really ugly, red, no green's better, I like that, it too tight, but yes, finally they're all set up. D.J. snaps his fingers, Andrew passes his credit card, $6,300.00.
Bob and Ray, shake their heads, muscle the two to the top of the slope, say good luck guys, and slog back.
The two look down the slope.
"Just like on TV. Nothing to it. Andrew, go ahead. GO."
"Okay," says Andrew.
A shove from D.J., Bynum moves, slides, arms windmilling, picks up speed.
"Yikes," says Andrew. Then the trees start to jump out, all round him. "Whoaaaaaaa. I can't stop. I can't stooooopppppp." Thanks to a tall pine tree, and it's collision with Andrew's knee, he is saved from going who knows how far, how many head over heels, and how much more agonizing pain?
Skiers arrives, rescuers arrives, D.J. comes running. And an hour or so of, lights in his eyes, bandages, snow bunnies pointing, 'Is that Andrew Bynum?', how many fingers do you see, and pain, Oh Boy. The pain.
As the sun sets, Andrew sits with his leg up by the main lobby's fireplace.
"What am I gonna tell 'em happened?" says Andrew. "They don't like us doing stuff like this. Looked real easy, you know."
"I been thinking about that too," says D.J. "How about this. We tell them you hurt your leg Bowling. Think they'd go for that?"
"Bowling? I guess," says Andrew. "Yeah, I was Bowling. Screwed up my knee...Bowling, yeah."
"I can fix it. Lois Lanes up in Allentown'll do it. Few bucks, get you on their surveillance, so it looks real."
"Damn," says Andrew. "I won't be playing for a long time now. But hey, they won't be saying how I'm slow on the court, or how come I don't rebound more."
"You got it made, Andrew. Big contract, and a real bad knee."
"After the Lakers traded me...I don't know...My knee, it just got worse. It just keeps hurting..."
D.J. smiles. "You know it might never get well...and then they won't be trading you, or talking about how you play. We could really learn how to ski, or maybe wrestling, you know, you'd be good at that...or be an actor like WorldPeace, John Salley, or Kareem."
"An actor," says Andrew. He stares into the fire. "I wouldn't have to workout all the time...this rehab...them reporters...a new adventure...? Yeah. I'd like to maybe get a Harley, too."
And that's the real story behind Bynum's knee problem. "I twisted it Bowling. It's true. Really."
I twisted it Bowling? Andrew, my man, come on. That's a hard one to swallow. Even for me.
(This comes from my Blog: StiffLeftJab.com)
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