College Coaches Try to Find Perfect Analogy in Paying Tribute to Stanley Kaplan

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The man indirectly responsible for helping scores of high school athletes squeak by their SATs and make it to the college ranks, died yesterday at the age of 90. Fittingly, several prominent college coaches paid tribute to Stanley Kaplan and his indispensable SAT prep courses through use of analogy.

“Stanley Kaplan was to education as the young man who took Derrick Rose’s SAT is to reading comprehension,” said former University of Memphis basketball coach John Calipari, whose team’s 2007-8 season was stricken from the books when the N.C.A.A. found that former player Derrick Rose had someone take his SATs.

“Stanely Kaplan was to education as a table cloth is to consensual after dinner sex,” said University of Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino. “Not that I’m proud of what I did – but the analogy works, no?” Pitino admitted to having sex six years ago with a woman not his wife on a restaurant table after closing. (More)

John Calipari credits Stanley Kaplan -- and Ethan Cohen, Elliot Rabinowitz, Ken Chu, among nameless others -- for helping countless athletes squeak through their SATs.