Week 3: What are the Odds?

We know what you are thinking?here they come with their "brilliant suggestions" and all they could muster last week was 6 wins.!?! Who couldn't get six wins on their own??! Listen, if we had dominated in week 2 like we did in week 1, we would have Vegas all over us. We had to throw a week and get them off our backs. (Actually, who we kidding? If this was as easy as we made it look in week 1, we would vacationing in the Florida Keys. Instead, we are late to work because we cant find our car keys). We apologize for last week's debacle, but the underdogs had their way with us and many other knowledgeable "experts." At least, we went 2 for 2 with our suicide pool picks again. Lock it up! If you took Cincy, we told you so. This week, we personally guarantee that we will improve. If not, we will give you your money back. (Be forewarned that as respective Red Sox and Mets' fans, Fatty and the Golden Boy were slightly jaded as they wrote the following. Our apologies.) On to the moneymakers? Week 3 (Home Teams are capitalized) BALTIMORE 8 Arizona Baltimore was back on its heels last week before escaping the Meadowlands with the victory. If Man-genius spent less time worrying about the cameras on his opponents' sidelines and more time opening up the playbook and calling passing plays for Clemens, then maybe the Jets would have won that game. You think Justin McCareins is allowed to speak this week in the locker room after his two dropped balls in the fourth? We picture McCareins receiving a "timeout" from his teammates?forced to sit in his little locker area with his back to the rest of the group, while his teammates pass around lewd photos of McCareins' family. Sounds harsh, but a lesson must be learned. Arizona (Team Audrina) was given a gift by Seattle last week, but it was still a win against a better team which could prove to be a turning point for the Arizona franchise. Maybe there is more to Audrina than just her pretty looks after all. You know what is fun to say, Whisenhunt. Is there a more enjoyable name than Coach Ken Whisenhunt? Hollywood Matty can even make it sound hip by calling him Coach Whiz. Speaking of the Whiz, he is familiar with the Baltimore system after coming from Pittsburgh, and he will find a way to keep this game close. PICK: Take the Cardinals and the points. Carolina 4 ATLANTA Raise your hand if you care about the outcome of this game? Golden Boy's hand is raised high, which should explain it all?Only Steve Smith owners can find interest in this one. Atlanta stinks, and after watching Carolina last week, it appears that they do too. Could you imagine being a sports fan living in Atlanta right now? You don't have a single professional team worth caring about. Even the Braves are going to miss the playoffs, and their fans will not be able to enjoy their annual October choke. At least opening day for hockey season is just around the corner, so there is excitement for the 30 Predator fans in Atlanta. Leftwich was signed, but Falcons' fans still have at least another week or two of Y-Darb, at his finest. And for that reason? PICK: Take Carolina CHICAGO 3 Dallas The Bears' offensive is very bad?like Notre Dame bad. Last year, the Bears could at least run the ball with Jones and complete a bomb to Berrian 25% of the time. This year, it's the Hester show or the Bears' defense better pitch a shutout. We will say this about Grossman?he may not play like a pro-bowl QB, but he has the swagger of one. On the rare times when he does complete a pass, he has that look like, I have been doing this all-day baby, you can't stop this. He is a very good actor, so once he finishes up the inevitable tank job with his NFL career, perhaps Hollywood will come calling. The problem for the Bears in this game is that defense won't be able to pitch a shutout. Dallas' offense is very good, and they will find a way to score points. The Chicago offense will not. PICK: Take the points (though you wont need them), the Pillsbury Grandpa and his diaper. DENVER 3 Jacksonville By giving the Broncos only 3 points at home, Vegas is basically saying that the Broncos and the Jags are even teams. We disagree. MoJo and company have done very little to instill any confidence in us, other than squeak out a game against Y-Darb. At least the Broncos have squeaked out two victories. By the way, wasn't it a given that Shanahan was going to ice SeaBass last week in that situation? There is no way that the anti-athlete Janokowski was going to make the kick again without first ripping a cigarette and a shot of Jager. We would just feel more comfortable, if he was kicking with a Redbull vodka in one hand, and a bag of roofies in the other. He would be in his element, and it might steady that leg of his. PICK: Denver Indianapolis 6 HOUSTON We have a rule here at Flea Fanatics?anytime Indy is giving less than 10 points, and they are not playing the Patriots, jump all over Indy. Most times this will work (see week 1); rarely it won't (see week 2). Since our theories here are generally infallible, it is impossible for us to be wrong twice in a row. Remember when we told you that Andre "12 inch" Johnson jumped for joy after hearing that Matt Schaub was going to be his quarterback? Looks like 12 inch jumped so high and so often that he sprained his knee. All fantasy sites are reporting that TE Owen Daniels should be Schaub's #1 option this week. Wow? Owen Daniels? Really? Don't expect them to light up the scoreboard. Now that 12 inch is done jumping for joy in Houston?the Texans are left with 20 point losses to Peyton. PICK: Take the Colts. Lock it up, suicide style. KANSAS CITY 3 Minnesota Larry Johnson fantasy owners are not looking forward to this week's matchup against the Minnesota run defense. Johnson has "one foot in the frying pan and one in the pressure cooker." If you were drafting a keeper team right now, who would you rather have for the next four years, Larry Johnson or Adrian Peterson? Peterson might be better right now, let alone two or three years down the road. Who would have thought that arguably the #3 running back in the NFL league would lose so much value in only 2 weeks? Minnesota is better on both sides of the ball, with or without T-Jack. Look for All-day Adrian to pound the Chiefs for 150+ yards. KC might have the Arrowhead crowd behind them, but even those die hard fans can't physically catch and throw the ball for the Chiefs (though perhaps they should). If you can't exploit the Vikings through the air than you likely won't be successful. The only exploiting Damon Huard has done this season has been to the KC front office. PICK: Take the Points, Take the Vikes, Take the Under and Take this Directv channel off your rotation this week. NEW ENGLAND 16.5 Buffalo On the first play of the season last year, London Fletcher hit Tom Brady from his back side and forced a fumble that was taken to the house. Don't expect that to happen again this year, but don't expect a 30 point route either. The Patriots have little to prove against the innocent and harmless Bills, which is why this is what is referred to as a Letdown Game. Pats looked dominant against the Chargers last week, and they may be looking past the Bills to their season debut on MNF the following week. Who came blame them though? The recent Bills definitely don't circle the wagons quite like they used to. Fantasy owners everywhere have been putting out APBs for the whereabouts of Lee Evans. Lee, are you there? Gamedays don't change yet Lee?you still play on Sundays. With the Patriots featuring the passing game in the first two games, look for Coach BB to change things up and pound the ball with a combined 40 carries from Maroney and Morris. Hopefully, for the sanity of some fantasy owners, JP Blowsmen finds a way to hit Evans for a late harmless TD. PICK: Pats will win, but 16.5 points seem like too much in a Letdown game. Bills will cover. JETS 3 Miami Again, Vegas thinks these teams are dead even?well Vegas, you are dead wrong. The Jets have played two likely division winners in the first two weeks of the season. The Dolphins have lost to two teams in the overrated NFC East. Based on these early matchups, there is a chance that the Jets are better than we think. With Miami, there is no chance. Ever. The negativity in that town stinks. If you think Larry Czonka and Dan Marino, or Mark Clayton are walking through that door you are wrong. It would nice, and the team would improve drastically, even with Mr. Isotoner Gloves being about 50 now?but it ain't happening. The Dolphins haven't been exciting since they lost Snowflake and needed Ace to come find him. Please give us a call when the Tedd Ginn era is ready to begin, we don't want to miss all 5 minutes of it. PICK: Give the points and take the Jets. This should be a given, and a rather safe suicide pick if you don't want to waste the Colts or Pats. OAKLAND 3 Cleveland Alright, so we were very wrong last week. Apparently Cleveland did rock, to the tune of 50+ points. Trust us though, Cleveland is not a good offensive football team. Last week was a fluke that was spearheaded by Cincinnati's poor defensive play. If the Cleveland Browns were an 80s rock band, and VH1 was doing their Behind the Band documentary of them, last week would be the part where the band is hit its all time high selling platinum albums, selling out huge arenas, and sleeping with hundreds of groupies and supermodels. We all know what happens on the Behind the Band show, "SOMETHING GOES TERRIBLY WRONG". Well this week against the Raiders, the Browns will begin their terribly wrong downfall. This is the week where the lead singer loses his talented voice because he chain smokes 10 packs a day while polishing off 3 bottles of tequila. In football terms, Derek Anderson will throw 3 picks, get sacked 5 times and suffer a horrible concussion. Where this band goes after that is up to the new lead singer, Brady Quinn, Medicine Woman. PICK: DA Raiders, DA under. PHILADELPHIA 6.5 Detroit Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the Lions' Lounge. I know we only pushed last week, but that's because the Good Lord was only looking out for our quarterback. I just spoke with Father Kitna, and he told me he said a few extra Hail Marys, so the whole team should be in God's eyes this week. Speaking of looking out, check out the 75th anniversary duds the Eagles will be sporting on Sunday (http://sports.aol.com/fanhouse/2007/09/19/eagles-set-to-wear-ugliest-uniforms-ever-on-sunday/). Ugly yes, but maybe the Philly equipment manager is on to something here. Adrian and Rocky might be confused as to why UCLA or the Denver Nuggets invaded the Link; confused enough so that they won't be throwing batteries at D-Nabb and the 0-2 Iggles??! We shall see. The bottom line is that the Eagles are on their way down, and the Lions are on their way up. Ride that elevator to a win this week. That TV show is way off (although very funny), it's never Sunny in Philadelphia, especially when the Eagles are 0-3. PICK: Take the Lions and the points. Amen. PITTSBURGH 8.5 San Francisco Some people are ready to crown Pittsburgh the third best team in the AFC, after the Pats and Colts. Well, not us. But if you want to crown their asses, than go ahead and do it. But are they what we think they are??! Yes they are 2-0, but yes they played Cleveland and Buffalo, two teams competing for the first overall draft pick. Meanwhile, Team Whitney just keeps moving forward with its steady performances. They are finding ways to win the close games, which is a good sign for a team ready to make a push for the playoffs. However, when you have young teams with young quarterbacks like Alex Smith, they are still prone to takes some steps back every once in awhile. Let's call it the Paula Abdul Syndrome (pre drugged-up Idol phase). "Two steps forward, I take two steps back?" Whitney still has her awkward moments on the show, and so will the Niners. Niners will take a step back against a solid Pittsburgh team, but it will take more than victories against the Killer Bs to convince us that Pittsburgh can cover a spread this big. PICK: Pitt to win, Niners to cover. San Diego 5 GREEN BAY Is Norv Turner a bad enough coach to turn a 14-2 team into an average team in less than a year? Maybe. This San Diego team was embarrassed last week, and we would be shocked if they don't respond this week against a young Green Bay team. Green Bay's defense is good, but that offense does not have the luxury of playing the Giants' secondary this week. Green Bay struggles to run the football, and the Chargers' D will exploit that. Eight weeks from now everyone is going to look back and be shocked that this 3-7 Green Baby team started 2-0. On the other side, Tomlinson is beginning to remind us of another Californian, Jason from the Hills. Right now, he looks calm, harmless with his new hair cut and sober attitude, letting LC do her thing. Similarly, LT2 has been harmless and calm over the last two weeks, letting Rivers try and do his thing. However, we all know it is just a matter of time before Jason and LT2 explode via alcohol, white power, 2000 total yards and 20+ TDs. It is just a matter of time before Rivers gives in to LT2 and LC gives into Jason, and they are both happy going along for the ride. Look for LT2 to explode this week with a Jason bender just around the corner. PICK: Take the Bolts SEATTLE 3 Cincinnati Obviously the hair style/play of a quarterback corollary did not go as planned, as the floppy haired Leinhart pulled out the victory. What did you learn, and what did we completely forget?never trust a balding man. Most balding men are beginning to lose their self- confidence and will do anything to protect their failing image. However, there is a difference between a balding man and a bald man. Bald men were at one point balding, but they had the self-decency and confidence to just cut it off completely, and stop trying to fight a losing battle. Balding men will do anything to try to fool people into thinking they have hair, and they can not be trusted. Matt Hasselback is a balding man, BUT Shaun Alexander is a bald man. What does that mean for this week? Go with the bald man getting lots of touches and lots of yards. If Jamal Lewis exploded against the Cincy D, then Shaun can too. PICK: Seattle TAMPA BAY 3.5 St. Louis St. Louis is so sexy on paper! Every week, it is tough not to think of the possibilities of Bulger to Holt, Bulger to Bruce, or Steven Jackson running 4 guys over. What you don't think about is a single player on their defense. The only Rams' defensive player we know is Leonard Little, and we only know him because he killed a woman while drinking and driving. (He then managed to get another DUI years later and is still playing in the league. But your right, killing a dog is more serious). Anyhow, the Rams may be sexy on paper, but they have no O-Pace and they have no defense. Plus, Tampa Bay is getting solid defensive play and consistency from Jeff "the Albino" Garcia. This week, we are getting in our Cadillac and putting it on cruise control. PICK: Bucs WASHINGTON 4.5 NY Giants The Big Blue are in trouble. We are talking 4-12 type trouble. Their defense is a sieve, and their offense is so limited that having Eli play for them actually made them better for the first time in 3 years. On the other side, I really like what Washington is doing. "Mr. Soup" Jason Campbell plays a very solid QB, and they get max out of their running backs by having them split carries. Speaking of running backs, Clinton Portis has never been the sharpest knife in the draw. "Look, mister, there's two kinds of dumb. Uh, guy that gets naked and runs out in the snow and barks at the moon, and, uh, guy who does the same thing in my living room. First one don't matter, the second one you're kinda forced to deal with." (Bonus points for our 4 readers who can name the movie). Portis is the guy that just harmlessly runs outside and barks at the moon. On several occasions, he comes off poorly in the press with his comments and his costumes. But on the field, you rarely deal with his stupidity. The guy flat out knows how to play football. The hit he made on the Philly DB on Monday night after the interception was legit. Similarly, last year, he hurt himself last year in the preseason trying to tackle a defense player who had recovered a fumble. We will always side with the idiot who barks at the moon outside, but plays the game hard. FATTY'S PICK: Take the Skins, Give the points. ** Well, I tried?.I gave it a shot. I tried the homer defense with the Giants for the first two weeks of the season. But I can no longer continue to lie to our readers by trying to objectively sell my Giants. It takes too much out of me. I am far too busy exerting energy as I try to defend the collapse of my beloved Mets. So this week, even though I will be rooting for the Giants, your safe money is on the Skins?. PSYCHE!!! Who are you kidding? If there is one thing consistent about this column, it's that I will continue to defend betting on the Giants even if they are 0-15. Giants will be desperate this week, and they will be fired up for the game. Luckily for the Giants, their horrendous secondary does not have to worry about a high powered passing game. Giants actually have a decent run game?it just does not appear so when the defense is trying to defend against pass first teams. This game will be extremely physical. "All right, men, now here's the play we're gonna use. I don't think the guards know this formation. It's called 'incidental punishment after the ball is blown dead.' Remember, any man you tackle gets an elbow, knee or kick in the mouth." There will be penalties, injuries, blood and more!! In the end, a late Eli to the Shocker TD will have me screaming like an 8 year old girl. GOLDEN BOY'S PICK: Giants, pleeeeeeeease. NEW ORLEANS 4 Tennessee All teams get up for Monday Night Football, not just the home teams. Remember when Vince Young carried Texas to a Rose Bowl victory over Reggie Bush and USC? Well, the announcers will remind you probably 5-10 times on Monday. While the game wont be anything like that Bowl game, it will still be Vince Young on a big stage. Week 1 we told you not to bet against Young, because he is one of those guys who finds a way to win. Then in Week 2, we went ahead and bet against Young, and he covered against Indy. It's funny how we expect you to listen to us, but we rarely listen to ourselves. This week, we are back to the basics. Don't bet against VY, especially on the Big Stage. The Titans D is solid, they can run the ball with two backs, and Jeff Fisher is the most underrated coach in the league. Meanwhile, the Saints are a mess and their defense gives it up more faster than Trishelle from the Real World. If you can't stop the other team from scoring, you can't win football games. PICK: Grow a pair, and take the Titans and the points on Monday night. VEGAS TIP OF THE WEEK: At the end of last week's column, we mentioned having a little fun with a 6.5 teaser. A teaser involving adding points to the spread or over/under in order to make your bet a little easier. For example, say you wanted to pick the Titans to cover the spread on Monday night. A 6.5 teaser would put the spread at 10.5 making it "more likely" that Tennessee will cover for you. Obviously, Vegas drastically reduces your payout on a teaser since it is doing you such a big favor. You would need to parlay a few of these games together to make the teaser worth your while. Well readers, happy betting. Remember, nothing makes a weekend more enjoyable than a little first TD prop bet. --The Golden Boy and Fatty at www.fleafanatics.com