Originally written on Extra Pine Tar  |  Last updated 5/10/12

I feel like an old man every time I talk about Tiger Woods, saying things like, “In my day, that Tiger Woods fellow used to hit the ball 400 yards with a six-iron.” Ah,but  this picture does invoke memories of a happier time doesn’t it? A couple of dogs, a Swedish wife, 1.8 kids, not to mention the No. 1 ranking in the world of golf.

Unfortunately, in today’s world, Tiger Woods doesn’t have any of those things anymore. Well, he probably still has the dogs, and I guess the kids are still his, but his body is so riddled with injury and prescription pill abuse that he can’t even see in a straight line anymore. That has to be why he hasn’t made a meaningful putt since 2008. The No. 1 ranking is gone, and in its place is a slew of used-up hood rats he found at the local Denny’s. Good trade Eldrick.

Right now, Tiger is throwing up all over himself at the Player Championship, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he ends up missing his second consecutive cut. He keeps bogeying par 5′s, and I’m now more thoroughly convinced than ever that Sean Foley is nothing but a con artist. Of course, Tiger could still be intimate with his Swedish nanny wife and be winning majors if he wasn’t obsessed with running 10 miles in combat boots and forcing Rachel Uchitel to snort Ambien with him off his old Scotty Cameron.

But no. Tiger has to continue losing to no-names while not even being in contention on the weekend. I always like The Players – fun golf course, the potential for big swings on the scoreboard in just a few holes. However, I don’t like the Players when Tiger can’t hit a ball onto the green in fewer than three shots.

Pick it up Eldrick. It’s downright annoying now. Go find another Swedish nanny who enjoys Ambien and tranny porn, or whatever it is you’re into, if that helps. Just do it quick. Have Joe LaCava lick your face like that dog is doing. I don’t care. Just do something that doesn’t involve you shooting over par

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