Originally posted on Extra Pine Tar  |  Last updated 5/10/12

I feel like an old man every time I talk about Tiger Woods, saying things like, “In my day, that Tiger Woods fellow used to hit the ball 400 yards with a six-iron.” Ah,but  this picture does invoke memories of a happier time doesn’t it? A couple of dogs, a Swedish wife, 1.8 kids, not to mention the No. 1 ranking in the world of golf.

Unfortunately, in today’s world, Tiger Woods doesn’t have any of those things anymore. Well, he probably still has the dogs, and I guess the kids are still his, but his body is so riddled with injury and prescription pill abuse that he can’t even see in a straight line anymore. That has to be why he hasn’t made a meaningful putt since 2008. The No. 1 ranking is gone, and in its place is a slew of used-up hood rats he found at the local Denny’s. Good trade Eldrick.

Right now, Tiger is throwing up all over himself at the Player Championship, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he ends up missing his second consecutive cut. He keeps bogeying par 5′s, and I’m now more thoroughly convinced than ever that Sean Foley is nothing but a con artist. Of course, Tiger could still be intimate with his Swedish nanny wife and be winning majors if he wasn’t obsessed with running 10 miles in combat boots and forcing Rachel Uchitel to snort Ambien with him off his old Scotty Cameron.

But no. Tiger has to continue losing to no-names while not even being in contention on the weekend. I always like The Players – fun golf course, the potential for big swings on the scoreboard in just a few holes. However, I don’t like the Players when Tiger can’t hit a ball onto the green in fewer than three shots.

Pick it up Eldrick. It’s downright annoying now. Go find another Swedish nanny who enjoys Ambien and tranny porn, or whatever it is you’re into, if that helps. Just do it quick. Have Joe LaCava lick your face like that dog is doing. I don’t care. Just do something that doesn’t involve you shooting over par

GET THE YARDBARKER APP:
Ios_download En_app_rgb_wo_45
MORE FROM YARDBARKER

WATCH: Florida's Chiozza sends Wisconsin home on incredible buzzer-beater

LaVar Ball gets Crying Jordan, meme treatment after UCLA loss

Celtics upset Suns tried to pad Devin Booker’s stats

Five teams that may be interested in Blake Griffin this summer

Report: Tony Romo ‘believes it’s Texans or retirement’

LIKE WHAT YOU SEE?
GET THE DAILY NEWSLETTER:

Clay Matthews Sr. passes away at 88

WWE’s Kane is inching toward running for mayor in Tennessee

Jung Ho Kang denied visa for DUI, may miss 2017 MLB season

Jets not ready to say Josh McCown will be starter

Sens owner on Sidney Crosby: He’s 'a whiner' and should be suspended for Methot slash

Report: Griffin could be growing more open to leaving Clippers

Best of Yardbarker: Did Team USA's victory save the World Baseball Classic?

The Rewind: George Mason's improbable run to the Final Four

Breaking down the Naismith Award race

Box Score 3/24: Waiting on West Virginia

Eat, Drink, Watch: Weekends are for upsets

The 'Once again, Barry Bonds is the best power hitter in San Francisco' quiz

With Team USA's victory, World Baseball Classic (finally) lived up to its potential

The NFL distraction playbook

Which Sweet 16 team should you be rooting for?

The Aesthetic: The world of player exclusive sneakers

Lingering issues for each 2016 MLB postseason team

Box Score 3/23: Team USA wins their first WBC title

Golf News
Delivered to your inbox
You'll also receive Yardbarker's daily Top 10, featuring the best sports stories from around the web. Customize your newsletter to get articles on your favorite sports and teams. And the best part? It's free!

By clicking "Sign Me Up", you have read and agreed to the Fox Sports Digital Privacy Policy and Terms of Use. You can opt out at any time. For more information, please see our Privacy Policy.
the YARDBARKER app
Get it now!
Ios_download En_app_rgb_wo_45

Best of Yardbarker: Did Team USA's victory save the World Baseball Classic?

The Rewind: George Mason's improbable run to the Final Four

Breaking down the Naismith Award race

Eat, Drink, Watch: Weekends are for upsets

The 'Once again, Barry Bonds is the best power hitter in San Francisco' quiz

The NFL distraction playbook

With Team USA's victory the WBC (finally) lived up to its potential

The Aesthetic: The world of player exclusive sneakers

Which Sweet 16 team should you be rooting for?

NBA Referee Hotline Bling: Steph Curry pushes OKC's buttons

Today's Best Stuff
For Publishers
Company Info
Help
Follow Yardbarker