Originally written on Legend of Cecilio Guante  |  Last updated 11/15/14
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Webb Simpson, appropriately named U.S. Open Champ.

Congrats to Mr. Webb Simpson on winning the U.S. Open on Sunday. We at The Legend know as much about Webb Simpson as the rest of you, close to zero. But what a great name for a golfer! Would we have preferred to see somebody we’ve actually heard of win our national golf championship? Perhaps. Maybe a former champion like Jim Furyk or Graeme McDonald. the two golfers who made up the final pairing on Sunday. Maybe a certain player who has amazed us by doing things we’ve never seen done on a golf course before, but has been struggling to return to his dominant form after a slew of injuries, and dealing with the consequences of finding out that he can bag any chick he wants just by being present and breathing AFTER he got married? We’d take a victory out of that guy in a heartbeat! But, that guy and all the other “name” players wilted under the pressure of the moment  and difficulty of the Olympic Club. Not Webb Simpson, he just went out there and grinded his way to a second straight 68, and took the championship home. Maybe he isn’t the familiar superstar we hoped would win, but hot damn, doesn’t it soften the blow that he has a perfect golfer’s name? Webb Simpson. Out of the cradle and into the Country Club, right?

If you were named Webb Simpson, don’t you think you’d play golf? Maybe professional golf? You’d have to at least give it a shot, right? The Legend appreciates professional athletes whose names are tailor made apropos for their craft. Like Webb Simpson had to be a golfer, these guys had to do what they did. Their names demanded it. And I swear, I won’t make any Dick Trickle, Dick Pole, or Rusty Kuntz jokes.

Buddy had to be a lefty out of the pen, right?

Buddy Groom, Left Handed Relief Pitcher — The ole southpaw out of the pen. A wily lefty with a middling ERA, about a .500 record, tricky stuff, and a permanent spot on the roster. Buddy Groom plied his trade from the early 1990′s until the mid-2000′s, getting lefties out with the big hook (you’d have to imagine Buddy was throwing benders and not gas, right?) for 14 years. You can call your lefty bullpen specialist whatever you want, we’ll call ours Buddy Groom.

Na’il Diggs, Linebacker – Na’il Diggs was a linebacker a The Ohio State University, and was drafted by the Packers in the 4th Round of the 2000 NFL draft.  He’s played strong and weakside linebacker for four different teams. He’s currently on the Charges roster. He sounds like a linebacker.

Mike Quick, Wide Receiver — Quick was a wide receiver for the Philadelphia Eagles from 1982-1990. He’s a wide reciever, his name is Quick. Works for me.

Scott Speed, Race Car Driver — Speed has raced Formula One, NASCAR Sprint Series, NASCAR Truck Series, and NASCAR Nationwide Series.  No further explanation required.

Colt McCoy, Quarterback — While Colt seems to have lost the starting QB job in Cleveland before training camp has even started, they can’t take away his perfect QB name. And if the whole NFL thing doesn’t work out, his name works for rodeo as well!

Tank Johnson, Defensive Tackle — A 2004 second round pick with the Bears. Has moved around the league and doesn’t appear to be on anyone’s roster at this point. Legal troubles have followed Tank around. But who doesn’t want a tank plugging up holes on the interior of the line?

Rampage Jackson, MMA — I dock points here, because it seems like this is a WWE style name made up by the hype machine.

Marvin Hagler, Boxer — Maybe his name seems like a perfect boxing name because of the Marvelous one. All I know is this, Marvin Hagler just sounds like somebody who is going to pound your face in.

Usain Bolt, Track Champion — World record holder in the 100 meters and the 200 meters from Jamaica. Fastest man on the planet. You might say he’s lightning fast (groan).

Kicky Johnson, Soccer Legend — When Kicky rose to soccer superstardom in the mid-1970′s, the British Press had a field day with his name. Known for once scoring from 90 yards out with a powerful drive, Kicky put Australian soccer on the map. Or he would have, if I didn’t just make him up.

 

 

 

Big Ern

Honorable Mention: These names are great, the were just all made up by Hollywood or Vince McMahon or Vince McMahon’s dad (Vince McMahon). Clubber Lang, boxer; Ernie “Big Ern” McCracken, bowler; the Brooklyn Brawler, wrestler; Killer Kowalski, wrestler; Clu Haywood, baseball; Bump Bailey, baseball.

We undoubtedly missed some. We would love to hear from the gallery on this.

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