Whoopdeefrickindo. He came back. Just like you all knew he would. ESPN - I know I've asked this before, but can we please move on to some actual sports news? Thanks.

I have to admit that until tonight I didn't even realize how close we are to the opening ceremonies for the 2008 Olympics, but now I'm really getting excited. Since the whole idea of the Games is for everyone in the world to put their differences aside and play nice for a little while, I figured I'd also put aside the Biotching for a minute and show just a teensy-weensy bit of respect. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Here's what I'm excited about in Beijing.

THESE CHICKS.

Number of babies I've had: 0. Number of Olympic Games I've ever had even the slightest chance of qualifying for: um...0.

Guys, maybe you won't agree with me here, but ladies, I'm sure every single one of you is just as impressed as I am. These women were somehow able to grow small human beings in their uteri, shove them outta there, and then just continue merrily on down their little paths to the Olympics. Props. Major props. Some of you may argue that motherhood could actually be an unfair advantage in sports - chasing your kids around may, in fact, actually be a great daily cardio workout. But Judge Biotch has examined the evidence, and she officially dismisses that claim.

Exhibit A:



SWIMMING.

I don't like Michael Phelps. Sorry. I know I said I'd play nice, but then I found this picture...and now I can't help myself. The guy definitely looks like he qualifies for the other Olympics, if you catch my drift.


But I DO like pretty much anyone who went to Cal. Nathan Adrian will be representing in the 4x100 free relay, which has a great shot at gold. Duje Draganja is swimming for Croatia, so he's not a only a fellow Bear, but also a fellow Slav. He kicked major ass at the FINA World Championships earlier this year, setting a new world record in the 50 free. His time was 20.81 seconds. I believe my fastest ever was...28. Ouch.

Then, of course, there's my girl Natalie Coughlin. What a beast. Not only is she fast as hell, but she's freakin' beautiful.


(Natalie was the first woman to swim the 100-meter backstroke in under one minute. Back in the day I swam it in...somewhere under two. Conclusion: I'm twice as awesome.)


THE "REDEEM TEAM"...getting demolished. Ideally by the Ruskiis.


Call me un-American (wait, I'm not American...hmm...), but come on - you know it's funny that the US can't win at its own damn game. It's already pretty clear that the Japanese and Cubans are way better at baseball, so now the "Redeem Team" has to reclaim basketball, or else you Yanks will be left with...um...rodeo?




MEN'S WATER POLO. MMM.

Sure they wear silly-looking caps...but, uh, I think I can get past that. And hooray for underwater cameras. 'Cause then, ya know, you can see the fouls and stuff. Yeah. That's why we have those. Right.



PEOPLE RUNNING REALLY, REALLY FAST.

For some people, all those banned substance scandals have ruined the sport, but you know what? Doesn't bother me one bit. Even if steroids pumped through my veins in place of blood, there's no way I could ever run that fast, especially while occassionally jumping over stuff. So I fully intend to watch all those doped up mofo's run their little hearts out.


THE OPENING/CLOSING CEREMONIES.

Because all this Biotchiness is really a defense mechanism, and I'm actually a total sucker for those touchy-feely "we're-all-just-humans-so-let's-stop-dropping-bombs-on-each-other's-countries-and-just-put-on-some-spandex-and-race-each-other" moments. *tear*