Oakland A’s--Billy Beane, the pioneer of sabermetrics and general manager of the Oakland A’s, experienced a momentary lapse in judgment yesterday, when his obsession with numbers caused him to trade a quality closer for a talentless nobody whose birth date consists solely of prime numbers.
“April 23rd, 1993. April being the third month, and three being a number divisible only by one and itself. The day, the 23rd, another prime. And the cherry that tops it all, the year, 1993, a high prime that completes the anomaly!” Beane exclaimed after reviewing the Red Sox roster, and prior to his finagling a deal heavily favoring a team other than his own. “Numbers do not lie, only men lie,” Beane continued, shouting, “Get the prime. Bring me the prime.”
Reports indicate that upon reflection, Beane expressed some concern over the questionable trade. Stating: “After further review, I’ve come to discover our prospect was born at 8:04 pm, weighing 8 pounds 6 ounces; all numbers which are easily divisible and all of which greatly diminish the value of our trade.”
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December 29, 2011
