Fred Mitchell Undecided on New Career

It is the custom of every sports blog worth its weight in paint for mother?s basement that, when news is slow, some inept local columnist gets the FJM treatment. It?s partly a tribute to what is possibly the greatest sports blog ever, and partly a reason to spew bile at said local scribe. Today?s victim: Fred Mitchell. From yesterday?s Tribune, an article entitled ?Cubs Undecided On New Closer:? Marmol or Gregg? Who gets the late-inning call? Kerry Wood has moved on to Cleveland, apparently leaving the Cubs? closer role to Carlos Marmol. Pitching coach Larry Rothschild sounds comfortable with that scenario. Cubs manager Lou Piniella? Not so much. BBWAA Rule 1: In lieu of any real content, set up some nonexistent dispute between coaches. Rule 2: Don?t include quotes that directly refute the ?dispute? you?ve just set up. Especially not in the following paragraph. Ooooooooopppppsss: ?Marmol has proved he can do it,? Rothschild said. ?He has closed games. Over the last two years out of our bullpen, he has probably pitched the biggest innings we?ve had pitched. I don?t think it?s going to be that dramatic of a change.? ... ?Let them compete,? Piniella said during the Cubs Convention. ?I feel comfortable with Marmol, no question. But we traded for this other young man, and he was a closer over (with the Florida Marlins) with success. Give him a chance too.? Obviously, there is a serious rift in the coaching philosophy here. Someone get Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Bill Clinton, and a CPD Crisis Negotiator down to Arizona, stat, because Lou and Larry are going to fucking kill each other and maybe the team, too. Or maybe Fred is unclear on the difference between ?comfortable? and ?competitive.? Or maybe he doesn?t grasp that a manager wants the best person for the job, not the ?next guy in line.? Or maybe he can?t comprehend that competing for a job often brings out the best in both players. Or maybe he?s just dumb as a sack of hammers. It?s one thing to suck at being a columnist; it?s another to suck at sucking, but Mitchell has done exactly that. He tried to write a shitty column, then undermined his shitty column by including the very evidence needed to refute his flimsy premise. If you?ll excuse me, I?m off to pound my head into a wall.