God, Why Dost Thou Torture Me?

Let's cut the crap, we all know it's going to happen. it will be embarrassing and crushing and may scar me for life, but it will happen. After failing to hit a home run against the Dodgers last night, Barry Bonds remains stuck at 754, one short of Hank Aaron's all-time mark. He's been slumping big time and has looked pretty bad over the last few days. Translation: He's poised to break the record against the San Diego Padres ... MY San Diego Padres. Life sucks. The perfect storm is approaching America's Finest City this weekend. The Padres are playing like absolute dog sh*t and look poised to blow their playoff chances within the next few weeks. Oh yeah and Bonds and his pumpkin-like dome absolutely murder Padres pitching, to the tune of 86 career home runs. That's 22 more than the second place team. He turned Jack Murphy Stadium (anyone who calls it Qualcomm should publicly flogged) into her personal launching pad, going deep 39 times there and he number 700 off of Jake Peavy in September, 2004 and number 701 off of David Wells the next day. So he's hit milestone bombs off of my boys before. As some of you know, I'm not what you'd call a "fan" of Mr. Bonds. For evidence go here, here or here. So watching him have his big moment against the team I've loved all my life will be like getting kicked in the balls ... repeatedly. Not only that, but I have to watch that same team have a complete and utter breakdown. Watching these guys collapse since the All-Star break has been brutal. They've dropped 12 of their 19 games since the break and have gone from the best record in the National League late in the first half of the season, to a .528 winning percentage. The bullpen has imploded and the worst offense in baseball has been, well, the worst offense in baseball. As a fan, this has been depressing on the level of Brooks Hatlen's breakdown in "The Shawshank Redemption." This quote pretty much sums up how I feel right now: "Sometimes after work I go to the park and feed the birds, I keep thinkin' Jake might just show up and say 'Hello.' But he never does. I hope wherever he is, he's doin' okay and makin' new friends. I have trouble sleeping at night; I have bad dreams like I'm falling. I wake up scared. Sometimes it takes me a while to remember where I am ... I don't like it here, I'm tired of being afraid all the time. I've decided not to stay. I doubt they'd kick up any fuss, not for an old crook like me." If Bonds ties or breaks this record against my team and we continue this collapse, I doubt I'll be the only Padres fan who feels like packing my bags, carving my name on the ceiling and hanging myself. Seriously boys, get it together, walk Bonds every time up and help me talk myself off the ledge. I don't deserve this. I mean, it's not like I'm a Cubs fan.