Originally posted on Full Spectrum Baseball  |  Last updated 8/25/12

Colon isn’t fat; he’s just fluffy.

Bartolo Colon tested positive for synthetic testosterone and received a 50-game suspension for his troubles.  Does this make him the dumbest cheater ever, or was he simply guilty of consuming one Melky Cabrera?  The two questions are not necessarily mutually exclusive, so the possibility remains that the dumbest cheater ever ate a Cabrera.  Seriously though, it takes a simpleton to try and sneak synthetic testosterone past MLB’s drug testing program.  Worse yet, Colon might be the most unlikely person ever banned for performance enhancing drugs.

If anything, one might expect Colon to test positive for gravy in his bloodstream, abnormally high levels of peanut butter in his brain, or large quantities of beef jerky hidden inside his uniform.  Duh.  After a respectable 2011 season, Colon managed to finagle the A’s for a $2M contract for 2012.  That’s the Oakland A’s.  $2M.  Did Colon really believe he needed artificial help to score one more contract?  Seriously?  The 5′ 11″, 475 pound pitcher has cashed checks to the tune of over $70M during his career.  It seems unlikely that Colon could really spend that much money at Golden Corral and Pizza Hut.  I haven’t priced boxes of Twinkies lately, but Colon’s take home pay must be enough to cover his cream-filled goodies tab.

If ever someone looked at the risk/reward scenario and chose the “high risk, low reward” box, it was Colon.  Maybe he spent all of 20 minutes going through the “Baseball Cheats for Dummies” handbook and missed the chapter on how Ryan Braun beat the system.  Perhaps he started doing P90X in an effort to eliminate his m00bs in time for a friend’s wedding or family photos, and he needed a little extra oomf.  Regardless, he might as well have left a box of used syringes in his locker and put a “Test Me” sign on his back.

In the realm of dumb cheaters, Colon might be the leader in the clubhouse for the dunce cap and corner seat.  This move ranks right up there with a marathoner sneaking off the course at the 4 mile mark and showing back up around the 24th mile.  To make the analogy work for Colon, that marathon runner would have to be wearing street clothes and sporting a fresh haircut.  To Colon’s credit, at least he didn’t try to spoof MLB by creating a fake website and using a phony excuse.  He has yet to come out and express insincere remorse about “anybody that might be hurt and/or offended” by his cheating attempt and subsequent ban.

Perhaps the greatest disappointment stems from the likelihood that Bartolo has taken a successful baseball career and turned it into an afterthought.  Unless he cures all forms of cancer or wins some competitive eating competitions, he will probably be remembered as just another cheater.  Pretty sad way for a guy with a career 171-122 record to leave the sport, but he chose this ending.  He opted for an unsophisticated, easily detected method of enhancing performance.  Of course, he could have chosen to hit the treadmill a couple times a week and probably experienced similar results.  Instead, he will probably be reduced to a career marked by a ” : ” instead of an asterisk.  Too bad.  He had a pretty promising career as a potential “Biggest Loser” contestant.

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