The MLB Keys To A Giant Expensive Foreign Town Car Known As Victory: NL Edition

TSC presents our keys to victory for the MLB playoffs. Every website and news organization likes to offer its keys to victory, detailing what each of the teams making it into the postseason will need to do to attain victory. While they can rely on things such as scouting and research, we don't have the luxury of such things. We're covering the NL today, and the AL on Friday. Without any further adu, we present the TSC Keys To Victory: * Philadelphia Phillies: The Phillies have a lot to overcome in this series, they have a lot of failure in their team history which will haunt them. But even more dire than that, they have one of the gayest looking mascots in all of sports. This is the mascot that makes even Steely McBeam feel uncomfortable and homophobic when left alone with him in the mascots bathroom. He looks like a muppet serial killer, and has prevented the Phillies from being taken seriously for years. If they can overcome the foppishness of the Phillie Phanatic, they will be able to win. * Los Angeles Dodgers: They now have Manny Ramirez, a great player and a man who hates helmets more than any in the game. He throws it off whenever he runs around the bases, he smears his own feces all over the front of it, he can't stand his helmet. They need to make sure he takes it off as often as possible. It constricts the greatness that is his clutch hitting and lazy outfield play. If they uncage the hair, they will uncage the beast, and be able to take home a World Series. * Chicago Cubs: The Cubs have been cursed ever since they would not allow a man to bring his goat into Wrigley field 100 years ago. Now is there best shot to win a championship and they have to make right what they did wrong a century ago. To fix their err, they should not allow any humans to buy tickets for their playoff games at Wrigley, only goats. Put the tickets online. Livestock is surprisingly efficient with computers, despite their hooves. If you have a stadium full of baaing goats, the other team will really feel the pressure, and finally the curse will be off your shoulders. * Milwaukee Brewers: They have always been one of the most professional and respected organizations in baseball, mainly because of their extremely classy sausage race. It was a pure race for years with only a hot dog, bratwurst, polish sausage, and italian sausage taking part. But starting at the beginning of last season, they let a chorizo, or Spanish sausage into the races. This goes against everything the competition has stood for, and that's American traditions and values. There is nothing more American than a Polish sausage, and it's time we got back to that instead of this forced integration. I bet that chorizo crossed the border illegally to get in this country anyway, I want to see his papers from the meat-packing plant. Do the right thing, and Uncle Sam will bless you with a championship.