A while back you may recall, we rolled out an installment of the very coolest of cool when it comes to white dudes that can play hoops. Well, today we are flipping the script just a tad and bringing you the very "un-coolest" of un-cool when it comes to white dudes that have attempted to play ball. Ironically enough, they all tend to share one common trait; they all played for Splinter himself at Duke. With College Hoops rolling right around the corner, what could be a more fitting time?

So, rally with me Duke haters and Duke defenders, but you're going to have a hard time arguing the list of the utmost in un-cool white dudes to ever lace 'em up. My apologies and regards go out to Dick Vitale for if he were to read this very piece his head would rotate in circles on a swivle that is his neck. Oh wait, it does that already. Anyhow...on to the list.

When compiling such a refined list as this it can be a pretty rigorous task. The problem isn't necessarily figuring out who to add, but rather who not to add. With so many choices to be made, at times the whole process can flip into information overload. There are just so damn many of these nerdy fucking dookies aren't there? For obvious reasons, I had to leave Christian Laettner and Josh McRoberts off the list? Why you may ask? Well, for one Laettner has been known to pull some ass in his day, remember Duff? And McRoberts, well I read somebody told me he was seen in US Magazine with L.C from the "Hills." Hence, the omission.

Ok, moving right along...

Lee Melchionni a?" A recent addition to the ever growing list and he should very well be proud to have made the cut. Melchionni was the ultimate garbage player when at Duke. He was also the ultimate antagonist and ever so annoying douche bag that, go ahead and raise your hand and admit you wanted to punch.

Mike Dunleavy Jr.a?" The question I always used to ask about Jr. was "did somebody take a shop vac and suck the skin and muscle tissue out of his face?" He looks very creepy and kind of like Skeletor. However, not to be biased solely on his looks, but he was very easy to despise in his playing days at Duke.

I do have to give the man his due credit, he had game. He was a certified back breaker for any anti-Duke fan like myself, watching as he sank countless three balls from the corner. His ability to glide in the lane unscathed on a routine basis was enough for me to pull my hair out. The Larry Bird comparisons during his freshman season are what pushed me over the edge and made Jr. a feature in this column. Personally, I would trade all my basketball skill in the world to not have to walk through life with a sunken in cave-like structure of a face, but that's just me.

Besides, after that last sentencea??its official, I'm going to hell, see you there.

Bobby Hurley a?" Ok, I won't be as harsh on little Boobsy for obvious reasons. The image of him racing for Coach K and raising his right arm, almost in Hitler-esque fashion when they finally one the National Championship, still stings me today. It's like I was on that Kansas team that lost to Duke in the title game.

There were countless times I pounded my fist on a wall or asked myself "why" during Bobby Hurley's career. Like many hated Duke players, he was notorious for that back breaking play that just left you gasping for air. Is that becoming a theme of this column? One side note on Bobby, I am pretty sure he played Hans Klopek in one of my favorite movies "The Burbs."

Jon Scheyer - Only 3 more years of pleading with my television for him to please keep his mouth from hanging wide open when he makes any kind of attempt at a Basketball move. And for God sakes, hit the weight room kid.

Danny Ferry a?" The original most hated Dookie of all-time on my list. I have a more vivid recollection of Danny Ferry hitting a game winning free throw in Chapel Hill in 1988, then what I did last weekend. I guess you could consider it a battle scar. Do I take things too personal at times? Probably, but who cares. Ferry, single handily killed it in virtually every big stage of his Duke career, sans the Final Four. From Ferry, I learned the phrase, "you love him if he's on your team, you hate him if he's not", as it applied to him. Fuck, end it now.

It all made perfect sense back then and no such phrase is more applicable to Danny Ferry. He was a nuisance, but nonetheless, he was a hell of college basketball player. I love stressing the word "college" with every player I profile. It has a nice ring to it.

Cherokee Parks a?" He's probably much better suited for the all-Duke goon team, because I really don't have a strong hatred for him. However, I do like to laugh at him at times. He was dubbed as the savior of Duke Basketball in the post-Laettner era. Yet, he really never amounted to much of anything. He was a team captain and leading scorer of the 1994 team that went 2-14 in the ACC. That should give you a pretty good measuring stick of his importance. How'd that NBA Career turn out?

Matt Christiansen - (King Goon) A picture is often worth a thousand or a million words.

Shavlik Randolph - The Next Larry Bird? Inside/outside game with strong hands, great length, tremendous upside potential. Very, very long. Was that the Jay Bilas scouting report? Yup, it was.

Nick Hovrath - Wasn't he an extra in Deliverance?

Erik Meek - (King Gump) He was actually a regular in Coach K's rotation in the mid 90's. Of course, you may recall Rasheed Wallace consistently dunking on him and making a constant mockery of MEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!

Marty Clark - Loved the Buzz cut buddy. Why did you ever lose it?

Chris Collins a?" He is like the Rudy of Duke Basketball, although he was not a walk on, he still had that feel to him. Somehow, I could just picture Coach K giving him that famous Rudy speech. "Your five feet nothing, without an ounce of athletic ability." After Collins worked his ass off for three seasons, he finally had arrived by his senior year. And Coach K was able to have one of those special tear filled senior nights when he graduated. It was as if Coach K had created this amazing "college" basketball player from rubble.

Steve Wojciechowski (a.k.a WoJo) a?" I don't mind little WoJo so much anymore, even though he wipes Coach K's butt on the sidelines as an assistant with Chris Collins. However, that will never relinquish the years of torment he brought me when he was a player. To this day his nickname is the all-time favorite of Dick Vitale. He would actively seek out opportunities just to rattle of his name.

Disturbing to say the least, but not as disturbing as the "floor slap." Anyone, who is a diehard College basketball fan, will never forget the floor slapping days of WoJo in the mid to late 90's. It was more agonizing than hands screeching down a chalkboard. No matter if Duke was up by 20 or down by 20, after any big play WoJo was pounding that floor. He was a tenacious little fucker in that regard. How someone didn't just turn and punch him in the heat of the moment, I will never know.

J.J Redick a?" Ok, I'm doing lay-up drills now. Welcome to the obvious section of the post. J.J's balls still hurt from Dickie V's 4 year rim job. And the tears of abandonment the day he left
Duke, still sting Coach K more intensely than the battle scars of Redick's poetry.

"No bandage can cover my scars. It's hard living a life behind invisible bars"

"My hopes and dreams shattered by the miscalculation of my own situation"

Is that Eminem? Where did he come up with that stuff? Correct me if I am wrong, but does his tough life consist of having grown up middle class in Virginia? Being given the opportunity to attend one of the most prestigious academic schools in the country on a scholarship to compete and excel in athletics?

"I went blow for blow, I went face to face"

Do you think he's talking about Coach K...or when Shane Battier came down for Alumni weekend and stayed in his dorm room one night?

"A sharp thorn once cut my soul. The blood flowed, but no bandage would cover the wound. I couldn't help but stare at the distant moon. Waiting for a resolution to come at an instant soon."

How does Redick's mom respond when she reads that shit? "J.J I don't understand, I thought we pampered you and kept you away from drugs and Slayer."

Shane Battier a?" The consummate leader and professional, so I'll spare from taking any cheap shots at the All-American kid. However, I ask you thisa??doesn't he look kind of like a Shar Pei Dog?

Well, that's enough from me...my feet feel really warm and I think the Demons from the eternal fires of hell are calling my name. So, if you'd do me the honors in the comment section, tell me I'm right or tell me you'd like to beat the shit out of me. I'm cool either way.Subscribe to us