Originally written on The Sports Headquarters  |  Last updated 10/2/12

Yup. It’s 2012. Bath salts had their 15 minutes of fame. There’s something called  ”smiles” or “smiley” which is some ridiculously potent mix of MDMA and LSD which has been murdering kids left and right. But obviously someone couldn’t let these small market drug runners steal his shine. The most self-righteous human being on the face of the Earth straight DEMANDED his face became the official face of heroin. Yup, LeBron James straight taking over the Black Tar game and for once I’m not even mad at him.

Nike. LeBron conquered them before he even stepped in the NBA. Dre Beats. LeBron basically owns them. Ditto Liverpool. The entire city, not just the soccer club. Vitamin Water. He’s all over that. $20,000 birthday parties. Guy practically invented them. How he didn’t get his face stamped on something a little more “Miami-y” like ecstacy first is well beyond my knowledge, but that’s what makes LeBron James him and Coley Michalik me. He’s just that far ahead of the curve. He knows bags of dope are going to replace sticks of bubblegum in packs of trading cards in 2012 and he wanted in on that action. Sure, it may seem like a farfetched idea right now. But if I told you eight years ago that there would be a black president running for RE-ELECTION in 2012 you probably would have looked at me like I had three heads.

The times they are a-changing. The NHL is no more. The iPhone is on it’s fifth version. The Washington Nationals, Oakland Athletics, and Baltimore Orioles are playoff teams. A Korean named Psy has the hottest song in the streets in America. LeBron James has his own designer heroin and Usain Bolt has his own strand of medical marijuana. What a world we are living in today, folks. I hope you’re enjoying it.

Honestly I’m excited for what this world has in store for us next. Are we going to be treated to Darryl Strawberry pink tinted cocaine? Perhaps Paul Pierce kevlar vests for nights to protect your back when you hit the town all alone? Maybe a Stephon Marbury sibling kissing booth on the Coney Island boardwalk? Michael Vick’s *insert dog joke here*? Pau Gasol bird cages? (I can go all day with these folks… And I will!) Minnesota Vikings’ sponsored adult entertainment river boats? A Travis Henry adoption agency in which he supplies the kid (this may already exist)? Hopefully some Joba Chamberlain Industrial Strength Crystal Meth Factories throughout the midwest? A Plaxico Burress firing range? Doc Ellis White Rabbit tabs?

The posibilities are literally endless and I cannot wait to see what today’s fine athletes come up with next. With every day comes a new chance to hear about something groundbreaking in the field of illegal drug distribution. I’m on the edge of my seat, passed out with a rose on my arm in a state of euphoric glee waiting in anticipation for the next big thing. Wont you join me?

TSHQ Disclaimer: Drugs are bad. Well, LeBron James’ drugs are bad. Don’t do LeBron James’ drugs. You will wake up in a road side ditch. You do not want to wake up in a road side ditch.

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