This is without a doubt going to be the world’s worst Magic-Hawks preview. Five Factors. A lot to do about nothing. Determines who wins the series. 100% Accurate. Take your life savings, fly to Vegas and throw it all down.
1) The Mascots – Harry the Hawk vs. Stuff the Magic Dragon – Ahhhhh loook at the fuzzy mascots, I can’t pick on them. I can get down to the real meat of this argument though. Letting the real live mascot into your arena. The Hawks’ did it and the freaking bird made the decision to defy all authority and take his own self guided tour of Philips Arena. That little stunt resulted in a delay of the game while a distraught falconer attempted to retrieve the bird from the rafters of the building, and the 4,000 or so fans in attendance had to find other ways to avoid watching basketball.
The Magic, on the other hand, have not been dumb enough to pull a live dragon into the Amway Center, where the immediate incineration of all fans and Dan Newlin led lawsuits would result. It’s call strict liability people. Score one for the good guys. Magic 1 – Hawks 0
2) The 12th Man – Pape Sy vs. Malik Allen – I’m going to be honest, I have no clue what exactly a Pape Sy is, but I’m sure your local OB/GYN office would.
The Magic’s very own Malik Allen has been discussed at length on here, but it’s time the horrid truth comes out. He’ s 32 years old. I hope I look that good at 32. PUSH! Magic 1 – Hawks 0
3) The Legends - Dominique vs. Shaq – If I saw Shaq in person right now, I’d be telling him to piss off while shouldering my 5’4″ midget body into his frame. Promise. Rings >>>>>Dunks. So Shaq wins one for Orlando. Besides, I’ll always remember Dominique Wilkens as an Orlando Magic (er Magician?) anyways. Magic 2 – Hawks 0
<—- I still want to know who signed off on this jersey design.
4) Fruit! Nature’s Candy and the penal system’s currency - Peaches vs. Oranges – Yeesh. There are about 1000 ways to go with this one, but I think it’s best put in “beer-ical” terms. It’s considered cool to throw a slice of orange on the side of your hefeweizens. It is NOT considered cool to put a peach in your beer. That is best left for a drink containing peach schnapps or some other sugar based booze concoction, aka instant Dia-beetus. Magic 3 – Hawks 0
5) City IQ Tests – Atlanta’s Freeway System vs. An I-Drive “Museum” – Anyone who has ever driven the highways of Atlanta during rush hour knows that it takes the focus of a cheetah on its prey. Navigating one of their 40 or so Interstates to assure the quickest possible trip requires careful planning, patience, and the ability to understand the migration patterns of meth-heads.
What about those I-Drive museums? $30 to see a replica of the world’s biggest ball of drain hair? You can buy one just like it in the gift shop. PEOPLE PAY TO DO THAT! Atlanta wins this one. Magic 3- Atlanta 1
Magic win the series. I told you. World’s Worst Magic – Hawk’s Preview.
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