What If Usain Bolt And Michael Phelps Played College Football?

Usain Bolt and Michael Phelps are the unquestionable, undeniable, unequivocal and any other un-word you want to toss in there, stars of the Beijing Olympics. Well, maybe along with all those underage Chinese gymnasts, but young girls aren't The Se?ior's territory per an agreement with his parole officer. We know Bolt is the fastest man alive and Phelps the closest thing to Aquaman or Namor we've ever seen. But what if these multiple gold medalists participated in a sport that Americas actually cared about instead of faining interest per some dark deal we've all struck with devil incarnate Bob Costas? What if Bolt and Phelps played college football? To make things easier, we're going to throw Bolt on the closest team to his native Jamaica, which would be Miami, while Phelps will wear the maize and blue, since he did go to Michigan. LSU's profile on Trindon Holliday calls him "one of the fastest players to ever play college football." Holliday's school-record 100-meter time is 10.07. Bolt just broke his own world record in Beijing with a 9.69. It's not even close. If Bolt suited up for the 'U,' he would be the most dangerous kick returner in football history. Forget Devin Hester. Forget Raghim Ismail. Forget Forrest Gump. Give Bolt a seam and it's six points. Period. He'd also be an absolute nightmare for any defensive back at wide receiver: just let Bolt run a post pattern and throw it long. At 6-foot-5, he'd also have a huge advantage with any jump-ball situation. His weight (190 pounds) would be an issue -- but you have to catch this guy to inflict any bodily harm on him. Bolt also has that one X-factor with a WR/KR: he's cocky as all hell. There's two spots in sports you always want a guy with an attitude: wide receiver and sprinter. As for Phelps, he's tall (6-foot-4) and has an impressive wingspan (6-foot-7). Wide receiver? Have you seen this guy's body? He's completely disproportionate. Phelps has short legs and a long truck and wears size 14 shoes. It's like taking Yao Ming's upper body and combining it with Danny DeVito's legs. No, Phelps has tight end written all over him. Like Bolt, Phelps' weight is a concern (200 pounds) and he'd likely get blown off the line of scrimmage if he had to block anybody. But as a pass-catcher, his height and long arms would make him an easy target. Considering the current state of Michigan's offense, he may just have a jersey waiting on him when the school honors him during the Wisconsin game. So who would be a better college football player? Is there any debate? Stick to the pool, Phelps. Usain, there's a Randy Shannon on the phone for you.