Originally written on Purple Jesus Diaries  |  Last updated 5/10/13
Full disclosure here. I care enough about your mother - even if you don't - that I purposefully didn't post this article until the last business day of this week, because I didn't want to leave you enough time to order these awful items to give her on Mother's Day. That being said, yes, with Mother's Day coming up this Sunday (you're welcome for the reminder), we have scoured the Minnesota Vikings team store and found the top three items you should absolutely not be giving your own mother this Sunday, unless you want her to hate you. Assuming of course that she doesn't already, which is a pretty big assumption. Did you already buy these items? Well, consider this all fair warning then to send it to the trash like a prom baby. Now, on to the mishaps! Now, I'm sure you could go through many other sporting goods stores and find some pretty awful Vikings merchandise that is either licensed by the team for women, or at least being marketed to women somehow as "feminine" or "a sports product for her!", all of which are dumb. Listen, you're mother either likes football or she doesn't. Chances are, however, she could probably use a more thoughtful gift on Mother's Day. Like, I don't know, offer to talk to her once this year. Maybe take her out to dinner. Say "thank you" instead of grunting. These are all things you should try. Even if you decide that a football focused gift IS the way to go (again, it isn't), then you could find something maybe cuter, more subtle at least, than the atrocities we found for you below: Vikings Dog Tags Dog tags? You just bought your own mother Vikings dog tags for Mother's Day? I'm not exactly sure what kind of message that sends, but I promise you it is the wrong one. It almost skirts into "I think you might die in a horrible airplane accident or fireball of death, so I want you to wear these tags so we can identify you later. And just in case your teeth are destroyed to such a degree we can't do a dental scan, we'll at least know you by your Vikings dog tags." So thoughtful! Best part? They're only $8 (plus shipping and handling)! SCORE! Asshole. Vikings Helga Hat Ah, yes. What better gift could there be to the woman who put her own life in danger to give you life than to dress her up as a fat, stereotyped Norwegian named "Helga"? If you're considering going this route, let me instead redirect you to the greeting card aisle. A simple care that says "Whatever, Mom" would probably be much better than the insult you were prepared to throw at her with this ridiculous head gear. And really, what was your end goal here? Did you think she was going to wear it beyond the 16 times a year it would be acceptable? Might as well just buy her a roll of toilet paper for all the use she'd get out of it. Make it double ply, while you're at it, and off-set the costs of this thing.   Vikings Wine Glass, Stopper, and Holder I couldn't actually find this amazing collection beyond in an email campaign that was sent out to fans, so consider what that says for a moment. The Vikings (or whoever is selling this garbage) hate your mom so much, they purposefully were trying to get you to buy a Vikings wine set for her on Mother's Day. Because nothing goes together with football better than wine, am I right?! A perfectly aged Zinfandel in a Riedel glass on a Sunday afternoon, paired with diarrhea inducing chili and chicken wings. Mmmm! And just in case mom can't finish that bottle, you can save it for later with an ADORABLE Vikings wine stopper! Then, keep your next bottle waiting in the Vikings high heel shoe wine holder, which is the most offensive thing my eyes have seen in quite some time, and I spend a lot of hours on the internet. So good luck with that one, children and husbands. Hopefully your Mother's Day gift is better than any of these. And if you are a mother and have your big day coming up, do yourself a favor and request the family go out of the house for a couple of hours while you work on a DIY project, also known as the Shirtless Vikings page. Happy Mother's Day! [follow]
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