Originally posted on Sportress of Blogitude  |  Last updated 2/6/13
Undated, unsubstantiated, essentially meaningless. Those are some ways to characterize the supposedly salacious “ENQUIRER WORLD EXCLUSIVE PICTURES” that depict “SUPER BOWL HUNK’S WILD WILD PARTY.” The all-caps headline of the National Enquirer story on its website that serves as a teaser for its new print edition of the gossip rag means it is pretty crazy stuff, you see. The “SUPER BOWL HUNK” alluded to in the provocative headline is San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick and his “WILD WILD PARTY” evidently revolves around a time when a grown man engaged in some horseplay while aboard a Carnival Cruise ship in Mexico. Again, the National Enquirer doesn’t mention when the teaser photo was taken, but they got the gossipy goods on this apparently hedonistic pleasure cruise. Oh, the humanity. Oops, pardon me, let me do it Enquirer-style: OH THE HUMANITY!!!!! An excerpt from the comically absurd teaser online article: The uber-racy snapshots show a shirtless Kaepernick receiving “body shots” of tequila, grinning wildly as bikini-clad bombshells lick the salty goodness off his Adonis-like physique. “They approached Colin as soon as they saw him,” an eyewitness told The ENQUIRER. “He im­mediately flashed his abs at the half-naked girls, and he totally went for it when they asked if they could do body shots off him.” Naturally, things got out of hand as nature AND Tequila took its course. Wowee-kazowee! If I knew one thing about Carnival Cruises — and I don’t, actually — is when you pair the intoxicating combination of nature AND Tequila? Hoo boy, stuff is going to get real fast. And uber-racy snapshots are sure to be taken. And “salty goodness”? Seriously? Man, even I could churn out this kind of drivel. And how about how it is alleged that Kaepernick “immediately flashed his abs”? I imagine shortly after “flashing his abs” but before they licked the salty goodness off him” Kaepernick flexed his muscles, strutted up to the “half-naked girls” and asked them, “Do you know where the weight room is?” Because I like to believe that everything that happens in life can be magically traced back to some tired pop culture reference. Tommy Boy in this case. But let us for a moment assume that these are more recent photos. Would that make any difference in the grand scheme of things? It’s not like I’m going to stop Kaepernicking, for goodness sake. Nor am I not going to eat my Colin Kaepernick Bicep Cake or plaster Fake Colin Kaepernick Tattoos all over my arms, nor will I stop listening to an adorable little girl rap about her heroc. [National Enquirer, via The Big Lead] TweetThe post National Enquirer has pics of chicks doing body shots off Colin Kaepernick (photo) appeared first on Sportress of Blogitude.

This article first appeared on Sportress of Blogitude and was syndicated with permission.

MORE FROM YARDBARKER

WATCH: Gronkowski refuses to discuss suspension, walks out of presser

Cousins complains refs unfairly target him on technicals

FIFA threatens to expel Spain from World Cup

Muhammad Wilkerson not traveling with Jets due to ‘coach’s decision’

Floyd Mayweather says UFC offered him $1 billion

LIKE WHAT YOU SEE?
GET THE DAILY NEWSLETTER:

Porzingis: Knicks fans should show Carmelo ‘love’ in return

Pete Carroll, Sean Payton fined for going onto field

Hot mic catches what LeBron James said to Lonzo Ball

Carlos Santana reportedly signs three-year deal with Phillies

Browns GM: Anything short of competing for division title in 2018 'unacceptable'

Adam Jones calls Vikings WR Adam Thielen ‘soft’

Sports & Politics Intersect: Mr. Jones goes to Washington

The 'It's the most wonderful bowl of the year' quiz

NHL Weekender: Bolts keep striking, Preds on the hunt

Chargers are the AFC team no one wants to play in January

Donald Trump's quotes vs. the sports world in 2017

Five MLB teams that should trade for Manny Machado

The 'It's always chilly in Indiana' quiz

NFL puts safety entirely on players, again

Eight NFL teams who simply need to start over

Most important player on every team in each bowl matchup

NFL Week 15 Predictions

NBA Referee Hotline Bling: Boogie, Z-Bo reach out and punch someone

49ers News
Delivered to your inbox
You'll also receive Yardbarker's daily Top 10, featuring the best sports stories from around the web. Customize your newsletter to get articles on your favorite sports and teams. And the best part? It's free!

By clicking "Sign Me Up", you have read and agreed to the Yardbarker Privacy Policy and Terms of Service. You can opt out at any time. For more information, please see our Privacy Policy.

Sports & Politics Intersect: Mr. Jones goes to Washington

NHL Weekender: Bolts keep striking, Preds on the hunt

The 'It's the most wonderful bowl of the year' quiz

Donald Trump's quotes vs. the sports world in 2017

Chargers are the AFC team no one wants to play in January

The 'It's always chilly in Indiana' quiz

NFL puts safety entirely on players, again

Most important player on every team in each bowl matchup

NFL Week 15 Predictions

NBA Referee Hotline Bling: Boogie, Z-Bo reach out and punch someone

Today's Best Stuff
For Publishers
Company Info
Help
Follow Yardbarker