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NFL Referee Hotline Bling: The Saints miss an important long-distance call
Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

NFL Referee Hotline Bling: The Saints miss an important long-distance call

Last year, the NBA created a hotline where players can voice their concerns about the officials, and since the NFL is a copycat league, it followed suit with its own referee hotline. Players can protest penalties, clarify rules and, if they have video chat, do that move where they call for a flag after a laughably small amount of physical contact. We've obtained access to the responses, which are about as real as Steve Sarkisian’s job security. We know when that hotline blings, it can only mean one thing: The Vikings are getting miraculous phone reception.

Marcus Williams 

Dear Marcus Williams,

We have gone back and checked the tape for a fifth time, as per your request, and on each viewing, Stefon Diggs does not go out of bounds on his winning touchdown. It’s very clear. Diggs has a respect for boundaries that many of our beloved celebrities could learn a lot from in their personal lives.

Look, you had an excellent rookie season, and we don’t believe you should be forever scapegoated for one play — but boy, that was rough. It’s definitely the biggest blown tackle in Minnesota since Bryant McKinnie chartered that party boat on Lake Minnetonka. You whiffed on Diggs like a blindfolded Jose Canseco taking swings at a piñata, and you wrapped up about as effectively as the final season of “Lost.”

Anyway, you’re a good player, you’ve got a great future, and we aren’t trying to slam you, or knock you or cut you down. Although you might have tried doing one of those things to Stefon Diggs.

Bombastically Yours, NFL Referee Hotline

Keanu Neal 

Dear Keanu Neal,

Upon review, we are holding up the call of a completed pass to Torrey Smith after the ball ricocheted off your knee and into his arms. It wasn't quite an Immaculate Reception, more like a Relatively Unsoiled Reception. There’s no rule against catching a live ball off an opponent’s leg, even if it was, as you said, “some lucky-ass garbage.”

We aren't saying it wasn't lucky. Watching that play was like seeing a leprechaun win the Powerball lottery. It's like seeing a rabbit’s foot with a horseshoe nailed on it. If there was more "Luck" involved, the Indianapolis Colts' injured quarterback would be standing on the set of the canceled HBO show of the same name. But none of that is illegal.

Honestly, we don't quite understand how the ball hit your knee in the first place. It looked like a soccer player’s move, except you didn’t fall down, writhe around and pretend to be injured. It was similar to a bicycle kick, but embarrassing and tragic. In other words, it was a tandem bicycle kick.

Keanu, your defense held the Eagles to only 15 points! You have nothing to feel bad about! And now, you don't have to visit Minnesota in mid-December. You don't have to endure a week of John Wick jokes before the Super Bowl. And best of all, you don't have to lose to Tom Brady again.

Immaculately Yours, NFL Referee Hotline

Mike Mularkey

Dear Mike Mularkey,

Thank you for your call. Yes, it seems like the Patriots again got a ton of favorable calls in your game, including what observers are calling “the fastest timeout in NFL history.” But what you see as conspiracy or referee malfeasance is actually something more exciting and profound. Bill Belichick and the Patriots have manipulated the refs. They've manipulated the footballs. They've manipulated footage of the opposing teams. Now Belichick wants to manipulate the concept of time itself.

You see, Bill Belichick is a Time Lord, one of the race of extraterrestrial beings that survived the Great Time War against the Daleks. You may heard of Doctor Who. He’s Doctor What The F--- Are You Guys Doing Out There, This Is Not How We Practiced That Play! Yes, it seems impossible that the Patriots could have called for time in the millisecond between Danny Amendola being tackled and the clock hitting zero. But it’s possible when you realize Bill Belichick has access to a TARDIS and can hence travel through space-time.

That’s how he was able to call a timeout so fast! That’s how Tom Brady can play into his 40s with no visible sign of aging, aside from his hairline. Time Lords also have the power of hypnosis, which is how the Patriots constantly dupe teams into throwing risky passes at the goal line instead of running the ball with Marshawn Lynch — what is WRONG with you, Pete Carroll?

So next time you see a man in a British phone booth changing into a sweatshirt with the sleeves cut off, you’ll know it’s Coach Bill rushing back from an intergalactic divisional showdown. And be nice to him! He’s still bummed about losing his companion, Jimmy Garoppolo.

Scientifically and Fictionally Yours, NFL Referee Hotline 

Sigtrygg Silkbeard


Brad Rempel-USA TODAY Sports

Dear Sigtrygg Silkbeard,

Congratulations to you and the rest of the Vikings who have avenged your defeat at the hands of the Saints — not just the NFC Championship where longboat commander Brett Favre threw a costly interception, but also the Battle of Clonfarf in 1014, when the Irish overthrew the rule of the Norsemen.

Yes, during the fourth quarter your defense collapsed like Harald Hadrada’s shield wall at the Battle of Stamford Bridge. Yes, at times the offense looked as lost as Erik the Red sailing the coast of Greenland after his banishment. But when Stefan Diggs caught the game-winning pass, it was the greatest victory of Vikings over Saints since the Great Heathen Army slew Edmund the Martyr! Congratulations! Toast to your ancestors who sleep the sleep of victors in Valhalla!

In response to your question, pillaging is considered unnecessary roughness and costs you 15 yards and a tankard of mead.

Historically Yours, NFL Referee Hotline

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