Originally written on Purple Jesus Diaries  |  Last updated 10/19/14
I WISH It Was Mediocrity: Instead, it may be just downright terrible football. The Vikings lost to the Seattle Seahawks on Sunday, November 4, 20-30, and frankly, that was a generous score. I kept looking at the scoreboard in the third quarter and broke several glasses as they dropped along with my slacked jaw when I realized that we were within three points still. BAH?! Yup, all we needed was a field goal to put some pressure on the Seahawks, tie that ***** up, and sneak out another win despite a outlandish and offensive display of quarterback play. But no, our offense couldn't even get into field goal range (which, keep in mind, means getting to the like FIFTY so that Little Big Leg could kick a 80 yard field goal, no problem). In the end, there's not a ton to say. We were out coached, out quarterbacked (by a midget mulatto), out defensed, and out classed in the most ridiculous way. There are zero excused, except to say that maybe Ponder was confused because he was two time zones away, had a late kickoff start, and the whole day light savings thing, but ... Eh. Half the season of him sucking now is a pattern, not a blip on the career record. Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval: Without question, the fall guy for this game is Christian Ponder. First, he CONTINUES to insist that he plays with his shirt on. If you ever want to find out why things are going wrong, start there. If you want to find another reason, consider that ever since it became very public that he was dating Samantha Steele, he's sucked an alligator dong, too. Beyond that, 63 yards, 50% completions, four sacks, one interception, and a 37.3 quarterback rating won't really cut it either. People keep saying that it's either all Ponder's fault, or that his receivers suck. It's a little of both, sure, but Ponder has to at least try to throw the ball to a receiver before they can fail catching it. I mean, how does pig nose Russell Wilson laser the ball to his receivers with a five yard window and they catch it? Is Doug Baldwin any better than Michael Jenkins? I don't even know who Doug Baldwin is, so I'm going to say no. Either way, Ponder gets most of the blame, but to say that this isn't an entire team effort of sucking it up, that'd be disingenuous, because HOLY HELL our defense is terrible too. Ponder is just more, obviously, terrible. Defense is Fun: Speaking of defense ... I think it's safe to say that the nice defensive experience we had to start the year is over with. This is two weeks in a row where poor teams were made to look like mid 2000's Patriots. Really? Tampa Bay? Seahawks? We give up like 700 rushing yards and let baby quarterbacks pick us apart like it's a Halloween cake walk. I never thought Chris Cook could beat me (or my heart?) too. I don't actually think him being out has been the main thing that's screwed this defense, but the opposing teams passing games have looked great with him out. Or maybe it's just that AJ Jefferson is that terrible. Probably both. And more than that, the running defense is a heart breaker too. Remember when we wouldn't give up 100 yard runners? Seems like a decade ago. Now we let rookies and their back ups almost set single game rushing records against us like it's a dare. If so, that's a real ****** dare, and I wish they'd stop it. But then I look at see that there's a thing called "Christian Ballard" and a "Letroy Guion" manning the middle while Kevin Williams is 48 years old. That ain't going to do it, dudes. Pick your game up. Thanks to Percy and Peterson: So while we begin to digest how horrible the rest of the team is half way through this season, let's take this moment to recognize just how blessed we are, like proper little disciples, to have Adrian Peterson and Percy Harvin on this team. Without them, we'd have ... what, 97 total yards? What the hell, man. First, Purple Jesus puts up the highest career first half numbers he's ever had and the coaches decide to start putting the ball in Ponder's hands. OK, terrible idea, but maybe you'll at least get the ball to Percy Harvin. Or, wait, no, maybe you'll just tell Ponder not to throw it at all, instead, scramble while frightened and dump off to Toby Gerhart instead. Great plans, guys. And when Percy finally goes Randy Moss on the coach and tells him he's a dick nose like he really is? Keep in on the sidelines! To teach him a lesson! Because the coach knows best! I swear to god, if everyone but these two (and Kluwe?) aren't fired in the morning I'm starting to plot a glitter bombing. The **** List: Depending on whether the team wins or loses, we compile a **** or IT list of players (or franchise related people and things) that really affected the team in the last week. Since we lost this week AGAIN, we'll be pulling out the people who deserve to get nut punched: - Fans clamoring for Joe Webb (Because he's totally the Steve Young on our bench, morons) - Phil Loadholt (When you got two guys rushing on your side, the best option totally is to block neither of them) - Kyle Rudolph (Take notes from Percy, Domer, get pissed and make the coach call a play for you) - Christian Ponder (Dump the broad, take your shirt off, and start throwing your balls deep) - Any defensive tackle (TACKLE) - AJ Jefferson (You fulfilled your role to teach us about Arizona's game plan, so you can leave now) - Bill Musgrave (When your running back is on pace for 300 yards, you should probably sell out and just run the ball) Frowny Haiku: "Hey Pete, quick question, As an expert, how do you Steal a Double-You?" Welp, the dreams over, dudes. If I had to guess, I say we win one more game this year and get a top 10 draft pick. I have no idea what that game is, but I figure it has to happen through dumb luck at some point. But the Packers? Bears? Lions again? Hahaha, LOL, goodnight sweet princes. Prepare your anuses for the bottom of the division again, because that's where we're heading! But at least it will be enjoyable while it happens. [follow]
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