Same ol' story

On Sunday night, the Oilers lost. That, in itself, is nothing unusual (they’ve lost 40 of the 76 games they’ve played this season). And they lost at home (again, not unusual… they’ve only won 16 home games, which is dead last in the Western Conference). And they lost to the Minnesota Wild (once again, not a real surprise… the Oilers are 9-21 against Minnesota since the lockout).

There were no surprises, and nothing on Sunday night was unusual. So why am I writing about it?

Because nothing about it was unusual. To borrow one of Craig MacTavish’s favourite words he uses to confuse the media, Sunday night was a “microcosm” for the Edmonton Oilers season.

Let’s take a look at the game.

First Period
- The Edmonton Oilers give Dwayne Roloson the nod. It’s his 312th consecutive start, and Jeff Deslauriers has actually propped a crash-test dummy up on the bench so he could head home for the weekend. No one notices, but Oilers goaltending coach Pete Peters theorizes Deslauriers has really started to develop under his tutelage.
- Trademark #1: A bad start. The Oilers come out flat. It’s almost like they’re not prepared to play most games. Even when it’s the biggest game of the year, and bordering on a must-win after St. Louis/Nashville have taken care of business. Hmm.
- Trademark #2: Guess the roster. After proving unable to crack the lineup for the past three weeks, J-F Jacques and Zack Stortini play back-to-back games. I’m not saying this is the wrong decision; it’s just strange how players rapidly fall in and out of favour in Oilerville.
- Cal Clutterbuck seems hell-bent to outhit the Oilers by himself (he almost did it a few meetings ago). The Oilers are unsure of how to combat his aggression. It’s rumoured Edmonton’s strategy is to “let Clutterbuck hit himself out.”
- Trademark #3: “Don’t do what Donny Don’t Does.” The Oilers courageous leader, Ethan Moreau, takes a stupid penalty 200 feet from the Oilers net. But remember, as MacT says, “Ethan’s penalties are the type of penalties we need to kill.”
- A minute later, the Oilers fail to kill the penalty. This seems like a good time to mention they have one of the worst penalty-kills in the league.
- Trademark #4: Starry-eyed. The Wild take an early lead. As is the Oilers trademark, the other team’s best player, Marian Gaborik, victimizes them. It’s kind of a tough luck play, but Minnesota is up. Gaborik will end the game with a goal and an assist. Ever since Mike Modano started the trend, star players have a particularly easy time racking up the points against our boys in blue (in related news, Tyler Arnason considers himself a star player).
- Trademark #5: A slightly/very embarrassing goal. The Oilers bounce back… by conceding another goal. After Antti Miettenen gets away with boarding an Oiler, Sam Gagner follows Miettenen around the ice, whispering sweet nothings in his ear. Gagner forgets he should be getting out to the point to take away a shot from Martin Skoula. Skoula fires the puck past Roloson (who had an uncharacteristically poor game), and the Wild take an insurmountable lead.
- Trademark #6: The MacTavish face. Sportsnet cuts to one of two shots after an opponent’s goal – some jackass in the crowd cheering arrogantly for the other team, or MacT starring into space. If MacT spent less time talking to the press and more time talking to his players, perhaps the team would be better off. (sidenote: Patrick Lowry pointed out to me that MacTavish never talks to his players on the bench during the game… think about it, it’s always true). From a humour standpoint, the MacTavish face can only be topped by the uber-MacTavish face… which only appears after a particularly bad Dustin Penner shift.

- Trademark #7: Huggy Bear delights the masses. Give Zack Stortini credit… he has a great nickname.

Second Period
- Trademark #8: Rexall becomes a morgue. Rexall Place goes silent. Edmonton fans realize the game is more or less over, and they have to sit through 40 minutes more of this crap.
- Trademark #9: Lull. Most/many Oilers games have a painful, drawn out lull during the second period. This is usually the point when I take my nap. Seriously. Edmonton’s second period play can best be described as a mix of mass confusion and indifference.
- Trademark #10: Ladislav Smid gets hit. Ladislav Smid gets hurt. Smid may be my favourite Oiler player. But I have to admit he went to the Mathieu Roy school of “how not to get hit.” Smid crashes into the boards, breaks his hand, and his season is over.

Third Period
- Trademark #11: The Oilers wake up. Don’t get me wrong – the Oilers are capable of sleeping through an entire 60 minutes. But in most games they tend to wake up for a small portion of the match, drawing their fans back in and providing false hope for the future. That portion was the third period on Sunday, as Ethan Moreau makes a good play to break around Marc-Andre Bergeron and fire the puck out front. Fernando Pisani pushes the puck in, and Edmonton’s within one.
- Trademark #12: Ferrrrrrrrrrrrrnaaaaaaaaanndddddddooooo Piiiiiiiiiiiiiisaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanniiiiiiiiiiiiii! Kevin Quinn always gets a little too excited about an Oilers goal.
- Trademark #13: Hope is crushed. A “let’s go Oilers, let’s go” chant begins. The crowd is in it, Minnesota is tired (they played last night and were thoroughly dominated by the Flames) and even non-believers like me are starting to… well, believe. It lasts three minutes, as Gaborik breaks around the Oilers defence and fires a weak shot past Roloson. Edmonton fans start discussing when they should leave to beat traffic.
- Trademark #14: Moment of Hemsky brilliance/Token Horcoff appearance. The Oilers have been big for saving face during bad performances this year, and they do so again as Ales Hemsky makes an incredible pass to Ales Kotalik. Kotalik scores his fourth goal in four games to pull the Oilers within one. Even when he’s not playing particularly well, Hemsky usually has a moment or two in every game.

Interestingly enough, Shawn Horcoff registers the second assist on the play. It’s only interesting because this is the first we’ve heard from the Oilers’ highest paid forward… who manages to play the quietest 20+ minutes you’ve ever seen (or not seen). It is Horcoff’s 49th point in 74 games – and I’d venture to guess at least half of those points were into empty nets (I’m exaggerating… kind of). At first glance, it’s a terrible offensive year for a player the Oilers have invested so much in. But at second glance - if Horcoff can tally three points in the remaining six games - it’ll be his second-best point total of his NHL career. Yes, the Oilers invested nearly $6 million a year for a guy who has had one season of more than 51 points. Thank god he has intangibles.

For the next six years, prepare for local media stories about Horc doing “the little things well,” providing the “glue that holds the team together,” and “finding other ways to contribute.” Shortly after, Hemsky will suffer an eye injury from rolling them too hard.

Horcoff has two goals in 18 games, despite averaging around 22 minutes a game in that span, and wasting valuable “Hemsky time” (the time allotted to whichever player has the honour of skating with Hemsky).

Trademark #15: The Oilers lean on Sam Gagner. Gagner falls over under the pressure. To be fair, Gags (the Oilers really have bad nicknames – Poo for Pouliot, Gags for Gagner, and Cookie Dough for Penner) has played a lot better, but he’s played an inordinately high amount of time for a 19-year-old who arguably is not NHL-ready. With :20 to go, Gagner is pushed off the puck by a Minnesota Wild defenceman, effectively ending the game.

I’ve left out a few other trademarks (line-juggling, defensive miscues) but it’s more or less the same every game. I wouldn’t write the Oilers’ playoff hopes off, but every time I think about the playoffs, I wonder “what’s the point?”http://scotttougas.blogspot.com