Originally posted on Barry Melrose Rocks  |  Last updated 7/21/13
  (SCENE:  ERIC and JORDAN STAAL are hanging out at ERIC’s home in North Carolina. JARED enters.) JARED STAAL: GUESS WHO HAS A SHINY NEW CONTACT, BONERS! ERIC STAAL:  What are you talking about? JARED: I got a contract for the Hurricanes! Staal bros are gonna wreck the **** outta the Southeast! JORDAN STAAL: Actually, I heard they’re changing the division names. We’re now in, like, the Metropolitan division or some ****. ERIC: Metropolitan? Isn’t that what those chicks on “Sex and the City” drink when they aren’t banging dudes? JARED: How do you know about “Sex and the City”? ERIC: What? A dude can’t appreciate the comedy stylings of Sarah Jessica Parker and those three other broads? JARED: I question your masculinity. JORDAN: Whatever. It doesn’t matter what division it is. You’re getting sent down after preseason anyway. JARED: But, but…I have a contract! It even says Hurricanes on it and everything! ERIC: It’s a two-way contract, dumbass. That means they can send you down whenever they want. Don’t you read **** before signing it? JORDAN: Holy ****, you’re dumb. JARED: Screw you wangnuts. You’ll see, I’m going to be great for the team! JORDAN: Dude, you’re 22, and on a one year two-way contract. Maybe you should learn to read books instead.  (JARED’s phone rings. It’s MARC STAAL) JARED: What the? Hello? MARC: Hey, dude! I just wanted to congratulate my little brother on getting onto the Hurricanes! JARED: I’m sorry, who is this? MARC: This is Marc. I’m your brother. JARED: Whatever, I’m putting you on speaker so my brothers can hear your dumbassery. MARC: But I’m Marc! You know, your brother? I play for the New York Rangers? I’m kind of a ginger? ERIC: What’s it like to have no soul, *******? JARED: ****, a ginger defenseman? Do your parents know you’re out this late? Do they let you use the phone unsupervised? MARC: You’re talking pretty big game for someone as useful as a one-handed sign language interpreter.  At least I play on teams with REAL names. I mean, Everblades? That’s not even a thing. And “Checkers”? I always figured “Candy land” was more your speed. JORDAN: Nice burn, considering how little you’ve won. CUP RINGS, ASSDOZER (He and ERIC high five) MARC: I was on two World Junior teams that won gold. AND I was in the playoffs this year. What did you do during playoffs? ERIC: Watched the playoffs from a mansion that probably costs as much as a walk-in closet in New York. MARC: Man, **** you guys. (hangs up) JORDAN: What a turdburgler. Now, let’s talk jerseys. You can’t be J. Staal. There’s only one J. Staal, and that’s me. Your name can be…let’s see…Bubbles. You can be Bubbles. JARED: I don’t wanna be Bubbles! That’s a stupid name. ERIC: As team captain, I think what happens is that you guys are then “Jo. Staal” and Ja. Staal.” JARED: ****, Bubbles may be better. It’d be like those Brazilian soccer players with fourteen names who just go by one name, like Pele. JORDAN: Wait, “Ja Staal” is even funnier. Does that mean he has to guest rap on tracks by J.Lo and Ashanti? ERIC: I’m not sure, but he may have to start feuds with 50 Cent and Eminem. JARED:  What are you guys talking about? You hate rap. JORDAN: I used to, but living in Pittsburgh and Raleigh really expanded my horizons. ERIC: Did you know black people are real? I only ever read about them in books. (ERIC’s phone rings. It’s MAMA STAAL.) MAMA STAAL: Hello, boys! ERIC, JARED, and JORDAN: HI, MOM! MAMA STAAL: I heard about Jared’s new contract! That must be exciting for all three of you to play on the same team. It’s fewer jerseys I need to buy, anyway. JARED: Mom, they’re all making fun of me. They say that I’m going to get sent down to the minor leagues. MAMA STAAL: Well, honey, maybe if you don’t suck or screw up, you won’t get sent down. ERIC: Hahahaha, oh, Mom. JARED: Mom, that’s, like, super mean. JORDAN: But accurate! MAMA STAAL: Just make sure you work hard and take your vitamins. Remember, I still love you, even if you’re not a hockey player. ERIC: She’ll just love you a little less because hockey and sod farming are the only things worth doing in Thunder Bay. JORDAN: And you can’t become a professional “Get Drunk and Yell at Cars” player. ERIC: Hell, I’m sure Tanya and I could always use some help with the kids. JORDAN: They can be Staal Bros Two! We could have an all Staal league! MAMA STAAL: Don’t get ahead of yourself, boys. Do any of you really want to raise a goalie? ERIC: Maybe so the other ones could practice. Otherwise, goalies are just weird. JARED: But hey, maybe someone needs to manage these players, huh? Huuuuh? JORDAN: Don’t get ahead of yourself, bro. 
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