Originally written January 18, 2013 on The Royal Half:
Late last season, we debuted a brand-new feature here at The Royal Half... "Know Your Opponent." And the reviews were... um... well... um... interesting. Brigitte from One Girl, One Puck has a very unique ability when it comes to in-depth previews of the upcoming opponents of the Los Angeles Kings. So I figured we would continue to have her take a look at the big LA Kings matchups during this NHL Half Season. In case none of you have read Brigitte before, her is a photo of her to help get you acquainted! Click Here to Check Out the "Know Your Opponent" for the Kings vs Blackhawks Season Opener on Saturday, January 19th!!! It's obviously been a LONG time since most of you have watched hockey (No, the 3,457 times you watched the Kings Stanley Cup DVD don't count), and many of you have forgotten about the lowly Blackhawks. Remember these guys? They lost to Phoenix in the first round of the playoffs last year. Remember? HAHAHAHAHA. I'm not kidding! What a bunch of Schmo's. Well here's a friendly reminder of who's on the team, and what your defending Stanley Cup Champion Los Angeles Kings will be facing on Saturday. Jonathan Toews Toews often gets the nickname "Captain Serious". I however like to refer to him as "Captain Creeper." He sees you. He sees your delicious flesh. He smells your fear. Toews is the creepiest dude ever, and I know a few things about creeping. He eats children's souls for sustenance. "Come here little girl and give Uncle Jonathan your soul." Toews is everywhere. Watching you. He sees you sleeping. He won't stop until he's captured your soul and used it for energy. "Everywhere you look, there I am." Patrick Kane Oh Patrick Kane, what more can I say about him that hasn't already been posted online by some chick he banged. Patrick Kane likes to hang out in swimming pools with a bunch of other dudes. Whatever...no judgement. As much as I want to make fun of him, I feel like I just can't. The guy is just living the mother ******* dream! By living the dream I mean chilling with Tyler Seguin in Europe.  Douche Rule #24: Never ever button your shirt properly. Always show that sweet waxed chest bro!  I'm also semi-concerned about Tyler's left hand placement right there. I know Patrick Kane likes to party, but...damn! Speaking of partying, Kaner likes to diversify where he spends his drunk time. Like The University of Wisconsin and in the jail system of beautiful Buffalo, NY.  Looking good Pat!  I will never let anyone forget about this mugshot. EVER!!! Duncan Keith Duncan Keith killed one of the Sedin twins last year. I'm pretty sure he got his name on The Cup for that too. (Sorry Lokti!) He also likes to party. How high is Vince Vaughn? Brent Seabrook Speaking of partying douche bags, Brent Seabrook might be the most underrated one on the team.  Yea brah! Sideways hats are the ****!  He's looking at you ladies! Try and get this image out of your head now...Mwahahaha. Viktor Stalberg  I like to refer to Viktor as "That one Swedish hockey player who people think is hot, but I'd rather contract herpes from Patrick Kane than touch him". It's a long nickname I know, but it's incredibly factual.  So greasy. So gross. How a Swedish hockey player can turn me off is unexplainable. (Obviously the Sedin's don't count in this, cause ew.) Plus his spray tan makes Jeff Carter look albino.  OMG the disease has spread to Niklas Hjalmarsson!  So far it looks like only Jonathan Toews isn't a complete party boy douche bag. Whoops, spoke too soon. That's an old picture though, I should give him the benefit of the doubt. Yea...nevermind. (TRH NOTE: This photo looks like the worst episode of Entourage of all-time.) Corey Crawford Here's Corey Crawford getting scored on. Corey Crawford is terrible.  There's some other idiots on the team too. Dave Bolland is a giant troll, Marian Hossa I think is still alive, and there's some bottom line scrubs too. The real star however is Patrick Sharp. Take me now you bearded sex machine.  Watch out Lundqvist, Patrick Sharp in a suit is pretty ******* amazing!  OMG look at him with his adorable dog! Basset hounds are the best, Patrick Sharp is the best. Please make out with me.  Patrick Sharp's naked legs! You're welcome everyone. So what have we learned today? The Blackhawks are awful party douchebags, expect for Patrick Sharp. Patrick Sharp is the best. Oh, and Corey Crawford sucks! Yea, the Kings should handle them just fine. Just throw some Jager bottles on the ice and watch all those idiots try and get it before it goes between Corey Crawford's five hole.  PS: Chelsea Dagger sucks! Enjoy watching the Kings raise their Stanley Cup banner!
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