Yardbarker: Roger_Dorn

Police: Titans feared for Vince Young's safety

Tue, 09 Sep 2008 11:36:15 -0500

Evidently, family and friends were so concerned about Vince Young's well being that they felt the need to call Titans coach Jeff Fisher late Monday night. Fisher called the police and Young was finally tracked down, unharmed. The MRI Young was supposed to have Monday on his knee had to be rescheduled. Wow. Rough start to the season for VY. Let's hope he's both ok mentally and physically. While Bob Costas and Chris Colinsworth shed tears the size of jelly beans and mourn the loss of Tom Brady for hours on end, let's not forget about the hundreds of other players that injure themselves during the season and push through the same mental struggles that deity Tom Brady has been forced to overcome. Uncharacteristicly sympathetic PSA brought to you by sometimes cold-hearted Roger Dorn.

Olympian Janos Baranyai Dislocates Right Elbow, Left Elbow Just Fine

Wed, 13 Aug 2008 14:25:25 -0500

If I ever manage to dislocate my elbow lifting weights on national television, which will never happen because my Butler Geoffrey does all the heavy lifting, please don't cover me up with branded signs. I can't imagine this poor Hungarian guy, mid-Theismann, saying to himself, "I really hope a bunch of Chinese dudes I don't know circle around me so that it takes doctors longer to get to and fix my isosceles triangle of a limb." Here's the good news: "There was a dislocation of the elbow but the bones are not broken," Tamas Feher, the Hungarian weightlifting federation chief, said. "They just put it right back, but I think he's lost the rest of the year." Thanks for the info, Chief (He really is a chief, I wasn't being sarcastic). And now, for you hardcore Steven Seagal fans, here's the video.

Coffee is for Closers!

Tue, 27 May 2008 03:33:00 -0500

Rafael Betancourt. Terrible closer? Check. Joe Borowski. Deserving of coffee? Nope. If this were a life and death situation, I'd suggest calling in the Wolf. As is, Alec Baldwin of Glengarry Glen Ross fame should be enough to fire up the tribe. Wouldn't it be great if professional sports teams called in ballbusters like this to get the team's attention?

Giambi Wears Thongs, I Puke in My Mouth

Fri, 16 May 2008 14:20:44 -0500

Jason Giambi has resorted to wearing thongs in an attempt to break out of his slump. I wear thongs when I....well, I never wear thongs. Then again, I'm a lifetime .313 hitter. Giambi must be a confident dude to let this story out of the bag 1) at all and 2) when his average is still hovering around .200.

Brad Ausomeness

Wed, 07 May 2008 16:46:00 -0500

I challenge all yardbarkers and sports blogosphere officianados to find a better Brad Ausmus gaining 2nd Base eligibility in fantasy leagues movie montage anywhere! Gross. Who greenlights these things?

Ken O'Brien is no Flash Gordon

Fri, 02 May 2008 00:26:32 -0500

In honor of the New York Jets potentially bungling yet another draft, the Ken O'Brien fans over at Tiricosuave put together this What If video. Evidently, O'Brien isn't any better at saving the world than he was a quarterback.

Brandon Marshall injured after vicious hit from McDonald's wrapper

Sun, 23 Mar 2008 15:36:46 -0500

Broncos WR Brandon Marshall fell through a TV entertainment center on Saturday after slipping on an empty McDonald's wrapper. He needed numerous stitches and will be in a cast for the next two weeks. At least Marshall had a sense of humor about his near Final Destination type injury.

Cuba Gooding Jr. ruins Jeff George workout

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 13:26:42 -0500

Evidently, it's not just Michael Jordan that Cuba Gooding Jr. has been harassing with his nonsensical underwear tirades. He all but ended Jeff George's comeback with this stunt.

Kaz Matsui Has Roid Rage

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 15:53:06 -0500

I think John Smoltz injuring himself while ironing a shirt he was wearing is less embarrassing than Kaz Matsui having to report this. Hemorrhoids! For once, I'm with Bill Belichick. Let's just list everyone on the injury report as "Probable" and move on.

Terry Bradshaw to Matthew McConaughey, "What about Sex?"

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 11:28:28 -0500

Like the rest of the 18-35 year old male population, I have never seen the movie Failure to Launch. The mere thought of Terry Bradshaw and Kathy Bates swapping spit on the silver screen is enough to make me gag, but this new preview of the film has potential. Wait, what? Well, at least it eliminated the Kathy Bates problem.

Dwyane Wade Throws NBA Skills Competition

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 02:22:55 -0500

It's been ten days since Dwyane Wade's legendarily poor showing at the NBA Skills Competition and I still can't make sense of what happened on that fateful night in New Orleans. Good thing the boys over at TiricoSuave asked legendary Western U coach Pete Bell to take a closer look at the tapes.

Colt Brennan, Franchise Jackass

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 04:23:51 -0500

If you're Colt Brennan and the last thing scouts remember was your god awful performance in a BCS Bowl game, make sure the first thing NFL execs notice isn't the fact that you're a complete "jackass."

Here's to Hoping Miggy Doesn't Go Balls Out in Detroit

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 08:49:17 -0500

I was reading the Baseball America 2001 Prospect Handbook the other night and discovered this sweet little gem on Detroit's newly acquired 3B, Miguel Cabrera. "A false rumor that he contracted elephantiasis was spread in Venezuela by a jilted scout, though the truth is slowly making its way through the country." Anyone who's taken a heterosexual glance at Miggy's nether region, in the name of scouting or fantasy excellence, understand that there's nothing to this. But Damn! Jilted is the understatement of the century. In case you're wondering, Elephentiasis is a disease that turns a man's meatballs into Alyssa Milano sized melons. Unlike the latter, it's not something drooled over and coveted by major league ballplayers.

Lance Briggs: Open-Pants Policy Toward Paternity

Mon, 17 Dec 2007 17:54:46 -0500

Thank you Brittani Tribett, disgruntled mother of three month old Lance Jr. #261, for that fantastic headline. Personally, I prefer condoms to good intentions when trying to not get college girls pregnant, but that's one of many reasons why I'm not a linebacker in the NFL. There are plenty of quotable gems from this case. Here's another. "Mirabelli said despite Briggs' $7.5 million annual salary, he's provided an average of about $250 a week over the last six months, or "maybe the cost of a tire on his Lamborghini."

Snakes on a Plane Starring Christopher Walken

Wed, 12 Dec 2007 08:32:41 -0500

I could do without the Benny Hill soundtrack, but the impersonations aren't bad. Walken would have been a solid addition to the cast. No doubt about it.