Originally posted on Deuce of Davenport  |  Last updated 1/24/13
Gervinho’s a proper Gooner! If you’re not believin that, let’s be ‘avin ya, ya ********* muppet! (or something like that cause I don’t do North London accents) Seriously don’t. Chelsea players may kick ball boys and Liverpool fans may steal but Arsenal fans grow up to be psycho killers (Norman Bates!). How do I know this? TV tells me so and who am I to argue with television? Follow me now. Indoctrination starts when the babes are mere pups. The children are snatched almost directly from the womb and sent to Norway where they’re raised in prison nurseries similar to Chinese gymnastic gulags. Staff at a nursery in Norway have dedicated themselves to teaching their children to become Arsenal fans, with kids decked head to toe in Gunners memorabilia and learning the words to songs sung by the Emirates faithful. The Arsenal theme – chosen by the Gunners-supporting owners – which some football fans may joke surely amounts to child abuse, seems to be a hit with the kids. But maybe some of the children are a bit too cunning to be brainwashed, with one rebellious youngster identifying a picture of Arsene Wenger as ‘Obama’. If there’s one thing Wenger isn’t about, it’s hope and change. He couldn’t change his philosophy if he had a gun to his head and an offer of a coat with a new zipper. A big win like yesterday’s 5-1 result over West Ham will raise expectations only to have them crushed when the players forget how to shoot and defend. How cute you say? The nursery describes itself as a “culture pre-school”. Branch Davidian kids started out the same way. Look how they ended up. ‘Murica bless the ATF. It starts there then the children grow up and start attending matches at Emirates Stadium. It’s as quiet as a library inside but outside they puff up and start trouble with former players. Easy now. When Chamakh cooks beef, the smoke’ll never clear. Boys turn to men and as they get older the disappointment of an empty trophy cabinet gets to be too much to justify paying for season tickets. However they can’t quit the Arsenal. Football is a lifetime obligation. You can’t quit it. Watching your team suffer crushing defeat after crushing draw weighs on the soul after what seems like a lifetime but there’s no outlet. No crew to dissipate the frustration and bitterness. Welp, time to turn to killin’. I just discovered a show called Elementary where people reenact real life crimes. I know 60 Minutes is on CBS so every show on there must be a documentary or news magazine program. Why else would so many old people watch that network? Vinny Jones appeared on an episode of Elementary and showed what happens when the pain of Gooner failure becomes too much to bear. He turned to slayin’ ******* like Pol Pot. During the show, Moran, played by Jones, kills some of his victims whilst watching Arsenal and also rejects the advances of a prostitute because he wants to watch “The Arsenal.” Maybe he should have watched the Arsenal in a bathtub so he’d be able to watch them and get it up for the hooker. It seems to work in Cialis commercials. Here he is explaining why he done up a Scum supporter. You don’t want your children to end up like Vinny Jones? Then look alive and pay attention. If you see something, say something and don’t let your children support the Arsenal. The more you know. H/T to 101 Great Goals for the Elementary videos
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