LATEST STORIES FROM BLOWTORCH
Considering a Throat Tattoo
You guys know I like to stay up on trends. That's why I'm so big in to skateboarding lately. I just really like skitching. It's pretty relaxing. But anyways, one of the big trends so far this year in the NBA is throat tattoos. First DeShawn Stevenson got one so that people...
The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicle, Part 3
Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...Chill out, Juwan Howard. You don't have to be in every picture during the minuscule time you're on the court. We get it, you're in the NBA. The constant reminders and "did you see me cutting...
The Brad Miller Offensive Playbook
PLAY 1 - THE THREE1. Receive pass2. Shoot three-pointer3. Celebrate-------------PLAY 2 - THE EVERY OTHER TIME1. Receive pass2. Pump fake3. Slow drive to the basket4. Encounter several defenders5. Awkward layup6a. Have sadness6b. Celebrate
Something Happened During Last Night's Clippers/Timberwolves Game....
Oh my gosh, you guys. What happened?Ohhh....
We Are Clippers
"We Are Clippers"- a poetry slam by Baron Davis and Eric Gordon -We Are ClippersNot by choiceBut by calling(Except Baron -he chose)We Are ClippersThrough thickand through thinThrough lossand through winBut when?When will we win?We Are ClippersWe win when?We Are ClippersWe...
Joakim Noah Teaches Defense and Rebounding
Yo son, you ready to learn some for real defense and rebounding from me, Joa-Noah? That's what I call me, son. For real, son. Word is bond, son. First thangs first, dog. Yo, establish that position, son. Like get all up in they guts. You need to be sticky like tape.Get all up close...
Various NBA Mafia Impersonations
Heeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy!!!!Heeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy!!!!Heeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy!!!!Heeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy....??Heeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy!!!!Hey.
Little Baby Blowtorch
I've been reticent to mention this because I feel like it might be a little too personal. However, I need all of your help. My wife has been pregnant the last nine months.Last night, our baby was born. Despite my protests, she wouldn't go for the name Bonesaw Michaeljordan...
The Blowtorch's Free Association Every Team Preview
My brother, my dad, and I got together to discuss the upcoming season last night. Here's what we came up with. No thinking, just emotions. Start 9:00Boston CelticsReally want this team to get punched in the face even though some of their players are chill. The whole is less chill...
1000 Words: Ersan Ilyasova Returns
It wasn't the two years of seasoning in Europe that convinced Milwaukee to bring back Ersan Ilyasova, it was the dedication to the Bucks aesthetic that sold them.
The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Volume 2
Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...Chill out, Juwan Howard. It's just a preseason game. You don't have to go all Rajon Rondo on Jason Richardson. He didn't even do anything, except beat you to the basket because you're like...
The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Volume 1
Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers... Chill out, Juwan Howard. You are not Steve Blake's best friend. Prior to this season, he was like everyone else: surprised you were still in the NBA. Now you're all like, "I've got your back...
My New Job
I was just on Basketbawful's job board when I saw this posting for models at Derrick Rose's birthday party. I'm a pretty big fan of Derrick Rose, and modeling, and just the whole club scene in general, so I think I'm going to apply.Something my teachers taught me back...
Looking at a Vince Carter Picture
Here's what I was thinking when I found this photograph of Vince Carter: (scrolls down)
Christmas Suggestions: Charity Events
Dudes and dudettes, Christmas is fast approaching, and even though it's not even Halloween yet, you need to start thinking about what kind of presents you are going to buy the NBA fan in your life. Because my taste is impeccable (seriously, people have tried to pecc it, which has...
Brad Miller Watch: In the Community
The latest in Brad Miller ephemera...Seems like a scary bro who just wants to be nice to youngsters.
Joe Smith Template
Hey dudes. I was reading the Internet last night, and I made it about halfway through when I came upon something pretty wacky. As you probably know, Joe Smith has played for a ton of basketball teams. This year, he's going to be a Hawk, which is his tenth team. That makes his team...
Juwan Howard Attends Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp
Hi, I'm Phil Jackson of Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp. I like to eat beans. But I also like teaching acting. Nothing beats the thrill of teaching a youngster how to act like something else, except for winning NBA championships. That's number one. But after that, teaching...
What Is In Carlos Boozer's Box?
Way to go Carlos Boozer! You found...Balloon BoyStephon MarburyLifetime supply of extra-strength Nair for MenBeard trimmerWhoopPicture of Talia ShireHuman headPrime rib and peppercorn sub from QuiznosBook he ordered from Amazon a few weeks ago that he forgot aboutCar adapters for...
My First Acting Role
As y'all know, I've been trying to break in to 'show business' for quite some time. In February of last year, I wrote/directed/produced/starred in The Brad Miller Show (returning SOON, probably) which was a pretty big hit on the Internet. A lot of people compared it...
A Few Replacement Referees Hold a Meeting
Shh shhh. Here comes Todd.Are you serious? That guy is driving me insane.Hey guys! Let's call some FOULS!Hey, Todd.Hey.Fouls, guys! Let's call 'em. (whistles) Illegal strutting. That's not a thing.Psssht. (whistles) Inadvertent silliness.C'mon, Todd.(whistles...
Brad Miller Watch: In Da Club
The latest in Brad Miller ephemera...Seems like a chill bro who's down to hit the club after a day on the links.Previously
Life at the Blowtorch School for NBA Children
After the success of my in-home consultations, I decided to offer another service to NBA players. Since they are so busy travelling from city to city, we've opened a sort of hostel for the children of the athletes. Their packed schedules don't allow them enough time to see...
Big Up Yourself, Christopher Columbus
Sup bros. No basketball jokes today. I'm busy ollie-ing some indy nosebones and grinding rails. Might throw a method air in there a little later, but I'm not sure. Just typical skateboarding stuff. You understand.
There He Is
Don't worry guys, I found Sam Perkins. Turns out he stole Busta Rhymes's identity and went to the Great Wall of China with Dave Chappelle. Typical Sam Perkins.
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