LATEST STORIES FROM BLOWTORCH
Spike Lee Explains Things: A Blowtorch Joint
Aight, Mike, let's break it down. I'm not legally affiliated with the team, but I go to every Knicks game. Every single Knicks game. 41 a year, Mike. Ahmad here does a show once a week about the NBA, so he doesn't have to be at a lot of games, but he goes anyways. And then...
Upon Kris Humphries Assuming Wolf Form
Kinda worried, guys.I was reading the Internet and I came across this poster of Kris Humphries starring in the documentary New Moon.Clearly this means that Kris Humphries is a werewolf. Clearly, werewolves are dangerous. They are known to eat humans, livestock, and sometimes Cobb salads...
The Annotated Brad Miller Drive
Last night I was watching some NBA basketball on television. I was enjoying the Chicago Bulls versus Sacramento Kings basketball game when Brad Miller decided to drive to the basket. This caused me to have some laughs. Unfortunately, I couldn't find a true copy of the game because...
Stephen Jackson Joins the Bobcats
Wait.I'm for real a Bobcat?Like really? Like I play for the Bobcats now? That's for real?Dag, yo.And this my uniform? With like, the stripes but then sometimes no stripes? And this trim stuff that's like 18 different colors? For serious? Dag, yo.This is MESSED up. I was...
Joakim Noah Serves Turkey
Yeah yeah yeah yeah Joakim got turkey all up in this. We talkin turkey lurkey hidin in the bushes Aerobeds aint got enough cushions. Uh. Bad Boy baby. Who want this turkey? Yeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhh boy. Get that turkey, son. When it come November, turkey be oil be rebounds, son. Get that...
The Brad Miller Show - Episode 1
Brad Miller and sidekick Brian Scalabrine discuss guns, nicknames, and sprinting.
Flip Saunders Coaches DeShawn Stevenson
Hey DeShawn. Just wanted to let you know that you have several tattoos on your neck. One of them is Abraham Lincoln.Oh, and there's a couple on your face too. Tattoos. On your face. Just reminding you.One more thing, you were a -25 tonight. Yeah, the Heat scored 25 more points...
You Did It, Chris!
Chris! CHRIS!CHRIS!Way to go buddy! You just won NBA Player of the Week for the Western Conference! I'm so proud of you! I cannot stop screaming!Yeah, Chris!!!!!! Congratulations on literally the biggest honor you have ever received in your career, and probably the biggest honor...
Here's How Bad the Hornets Are
Whoops, Adam Morrison got his first picture of the year taken against your team. It was a wide open jumper. It went in.
Considering a Throat Tattoo
You guys know I like to stay up on trends. That's why I'm so big in to skateboarding lately. I just really like skitching. It's pretty relaxing. But anyways, one of the big trends so far this year in the NBA is throat tattoos. First DeShawn Stevenson got one so that people...
The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicle, Part 3
Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...Chill out, Juwan Howard. You don't have to be in every picture during the minuscule time you're on the court. We get it, you're in the NBA. The constant reminders and "did you see me cutting...
The Brad Miller Offensive Playbook
PLAY 1 - THE THREE1. Receive pass2. Shoot three-pointer3. Celebrate-------------PLAY 2 - THE EVERY OTHER TIME1. Receive pass2. Pump fake3. Slow drive to the basket4. Encounter several defenders5. Awkward layup6a. Have sadness6b. Celebrate
Something Happened During Last Night's Clippers/Timberwolves Game....
Oh my gosh, you guys. What happened?Ohhh....
We Are Clippers
"We Are Clippers"- a poetry slam by Baron Davis and Eric Gordon -We Are ClippersNot by choiceBut by calling(Except Baron -he chose)We Are ClippersThrough thickand through thinThrough lossand through winBut when?When will we win?We Are ClippersWe win when?We Are ClippersWe...
Joakim Noah Teaches Defense and Rebounding
Yo son, you ready to learn some for real defense and rebounding from me, Joa-Noah? That's what I call me, son. For real, son. Word is bond, son. First thangs first, dog. Yo, establish that position, son. Like get all up in they guts. You need to be sticky like tape.Get all up close...
Various NBA Mafia Impersonations
Heeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy!!!!Heeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy!!!!Heeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy!!!!Heeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy....??Heeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy!!!!Hey.
Little Baby Blowtorch
I've been reticent to mention this because I feel like it might be a little too personal. However, I need all of your help. My wife has been pregnant the last nine months.Last night, our baby was born. Despite my protests, she wouldn't go for the name Bonesaw Michaeljordan...
The Blowtorch's Free Association Every Team Preview
My brother, my dad, and I got together to discuss the upcoming season last night. Here's what we came up with. No thinking, just emotions. Start 9:00Boston CelticsReally want this team to get punched in the face even though some of their players are chill. The whole is less chill...
1000 Words: Ersan Ilyasova Returns
It wasn't the two years of seasoning in Europe that convinced Milwaukee to bring back Ersan Ilyasova, it was the dedication to the Bucks aesthetic that sold them.
The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Volume 2
Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...Chill out, Juwan Howard. It's just a preseason game. You don't have to go all Rajon Rondo on Jason Richardson. He didn't even do anything, except beat you to the basket because you're like...
The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Volume 1
Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers... Chill out, Juwan Howard. You are not Steve Blake's best friend. Prior to this season, he was like everyone else: surprised you were still in the NBA. Now you're all like, "I've got your back...
My New Job
I was just on Basketbawful's job board when I saw this posting for models at Derrick Rose's birthday party. I'm a pretty big fan of Derrick Rose, and modeling, and just the whole club scene in general, so I think I'm going to apply.Something my teachers taught me back...
Looking at a Vince Carter Picture
Here's what I was thinking when I found this photograph of Vince Carter: (scrolls down)
Christmas Suggestions: Charity Events
Dudes and dudettes, Christmas is fast approaching, and even though it's not even Halloween yet, you need to start thinking about what kind of presents you are going to buy the NBA fan in your life. Because my taste is impeccable (seriously, people have tried to pecc it, which has...
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