The book is done and it is a free download. Please download and enjoy some laughs at this book full of nonsensical jokes. Way full. Chock full, even.Donate if you want, but I really just want this to be read. It's been on my computer for a year, and that's just silly because jokey-jokes have no timestamp.So please, enjoy it. Read me at The Basketball Jones and follow me on Twitter...

The Blowtorch Xtranormal meme hi-jack volume 1.

We know, Deron. But thanks.

I turned 45 today. It's a pretty big milestone, so I decided I'd do something nice for myself.Just leave it, Wikipedia. Be chill.

Okay, so here's the story. The show is called My Crew. We've got four guys from different walks of life, but they're all in the NBA. We'll use Erik Spoelstra, the Miami Heat coach. Brian Scalabrine, from the Celtics. Yao Ming from the Rockets, and Yi Jianlian from the Nets. It's set in the offseason and these guys are all like best friends and it's all about them making their way...

What's goin' on, sissies?Name's Brian. Brian Winters. Yeah, you know me.I'm here because you idiots traded Jabbar. Good one, ya jugheads.You think I want to be in Wisconsin? This time last year I'm catching perch off the Santa Monica Pier, and now I've gotta choose which of 18 different cheeses I want on my grilled cheese.Oh, you like my stache? Sure you do. I grew it as a joke cause...

Say, Bradford. Might I interest you in some tips on how one might acquire that oil, son? Indeed, Josiahkim. That would interest me a great deal, for I often seek to acquire that oil, son. 'Tis a simple process, my dear friend Bradford. Do tell. The first step is finding a location that may provide you the opportunity for oil acquistion, son. Naturally, yes. This, likely, would be...

Mark Cuban: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ARE YOU BEING FACETIOUS WITH ME? ARE YOU HAVING A JOKE WITH ME? ARE YOU TEASING ME? ARE YOU JOSHING ME? ARE YOU JASONING ME? ARE YOU THE OTHER JASONING ME? ARE YOU ERICKING ME? ARE YOU JOSEING ME? ARE YOU RODRIGUEING ME? ARE YOU SHAWING ME? ARE YOU RICKING ME? ARE YOU DREWING ME? ARE YOU EDUARDOING ME? ARE YOU DIRKING ME?I didn't forget...

Can we make sure we keep Omri Casspi's razors hidden from him? I thought we had an agreement that we'd do that with all European NBAers anyways. It's in the collective bargaining agreement.OmBro looks WAY too much like Crispin Glover to be running around all smooth-faced. Next thing you know, Spencer Hawes is going to be collecting even more skulls than usual. And no one is going...

Michael Beasley: Hey, check me out. I'm a shark. RRRRRRRRROOOWWWWWR. Buh dut. Buuuuh dut. Buuuuh dut. Buh dut buh dut buh dut buh dut SNEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!Rafer Alston: Hahahahahahhaha. That's funny, man. Is that fin real?Michael Beasley: Yeah, cuz I'm a shark.Rafer Alston: Hahahahahahhaha. That's funny, man. Hahahahahahhaha. Man, that's funny, man. Hahahahahahhaha. Oh, sup basketball...

I think the fan movement is pretty cool down in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma home of the Oklahoma City Thunder basketball club. Seems like their fans always want their team to do well, and they're super excited to have a team. It's pretty chill.However, I DO NOT agree with them replacing their best player's arms with thunder sticks just so 'the people' can better identify with him.I...

Deron Williams goes in to the barber and says, "give me a stoplight." The barber says, "stoplight? What are you talking about?"So Deron Williams says, "you know, red, yellow, green."And the barber says, "I know what a stoplight is, but it's not a haircut."Then Deron Williams says, "sure it is. Let my beard go, stop my hair from growing on my temples, and be careful with the top...

Bro, last night was RIDICULOUS.For real, bro. Crazy.Kobe, bro.Bro. Kobe.I know, bro.At first I was like, "yoooooooo b, hook it up with the ball." But then I was like, "nice."Exactly.Exactly.Pretty tyte, bro.For real.Shannon Brown: What are you guys talking about?

They did it, guys. They finally cloned a human, and as expected, something went wrong. This SCOUNDREL is running around calling himself "Shane Batch-ee-yay" to sound more dangerous, like Stephon Urquelle.Well you're not fooling me Fake Shane Battier.I've been watching you ever since that mustache showed up. You're shooting inefficient shots. You're not playing helpside defense...

OH SNAP SON. Marcus you dropped that ball, man. Go get it. I'll just hang out here. Can't believe you're just throwing the ball out of bounds for no reason. Kinda wack, bro. I'm freaking out? How? Because I'm yelling OH SNAP? Big deal. Maybe if you didn't throw the ball out of bounds for no reason I could just relax and set some back screens. Looooooove setting back screens...

Y'all probably already know that Mike "Carl Winslow" Woodson of the Atlanta Hawksers shaved his eyebrows off to convince his team that he was crazy so that they would win in order to not upset their clearly insane coach. BUT did you know that Mr. Mike Woodson started a trend amongst the more style-conscious NBAers?That is a true fact.I found the pictures. Charlie Villanueva...

Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...Chill out, Juwan Howard. You're just shooting a jumpshot, relax a little. Oh my bad. Let me guess, your back is tightening up. Because you're like a thousand. I guess that makes sense, unlike your continuing Team Jordan affiliation. Although I'm sure that helps out their age discrimination diversity. ...

As of today I'm blogging the Olympics for Yahoo!'s Fourth Place Medal. I'm basically the Blog Costas of the Internet. That doesn't really mean anything, but it sounds kind of important. Nonetheless, Blog Costas says you should read my writing over there.Additionally, I'm still writing at Ball Don't Lie, too. Read it. (You already are.)What does all this mean for The Blowtorch...

I was checking out this picture of two floppy-haired bros shooting hoops against each other.And I was looking at it really intense style and then I unlocked the key, which isn't how that metaphor works. But I uncovered the hidden message. I think it's a Da Vinci Code thing, because this picture recalls every era of NBA basketball, except for the 1940 which hardly count.BREAK-DOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW...

1. JUMPSHOT: Square up to the hoop. Get balanced. Knees shoulder width apart. Jump straight up, and land where you started. Eyes on the rim.2. DRIVING TO THE RIM: Stay under control. Use an attack move. Prepare for help defenders. Make good decisions.3. FINISHING AT THE RIM: Strength is the key. Concentration is crucial. Release the ball as close to the rim as possible...

Ohhvkaay, Vadon. Make zis doonk shot. I vill give you hand wif making of doonk. Seence you are faht mahn vith faht neck, I vill helpt to leeft you off ze grounds.Niiiiiiice ahnd easee weeth ze doonk. Joost make a tall jump and make zay doonk.Oh wows, Vadon. You are un GIRTHY man, Vadon. I cahn barley leeft.I keed. I keed. Of corpse Daryus cahn leeft. Strenf!Bot vreally,...

Hey, I like posting up as much as anyone outside of Paul Wall, but for the life of me, I can't figure out what is so so so so so funny to Eugene Pinkoxfordshirt up there. He's just loving life. BUT WHY?Maybe because of this:Just watched the 5ooth Jones episode on his iPodPhone.Found out about Skype.Kevin Jonas got married.Received the R. Kelly Light It Up Tour DVD in the mail and...

Despite my parents' warnings my sister insisted on wearing her red shirt to my fourth birthday party. Other than the trampling, it was pretty fun.