LATEST STORIES FROM BLOWTORCH
The Blowtorch's Free Association Every Team Preview
My brother, my dad, and I got together to discuss the upcoming season last night. Here's what we came up with. No thinking, just emotions. Start 9:00Boston CelticsReally want this team to get punched in the face even though some of their players are chill. The whole is less chill...
1000 Words: Ersan Ilyasova Returns
It wasn't the two years of seasoning in Europe that convinced Milwaukee to bring back Ersan Ilyasova, it was the dedication to the Bucks aesthetic that sold them.
The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Volume 2
Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...Chill out, Juwan Howard. It's just a preseason game. You don't have to go all Rajon Rondo on Jason Richardson. He didn't even do anything, except beat you to the basket because you're like...
The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Volume 1
Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers... Chill out, Juwan Howard. You are not Steve Blake's best friend. Prior to this season, he was like everyone else: surprised you were still in the NBA. Now you're all like, "I've got your back...
My New Job
I was just on Basketbawful's job board when I saw this posting for models at Derrick Rose's birthday party. I'm a pretty big fan of Derrick Rose, and modeling, and just the whole club scene in general, so I think I'm going to apply.Something my teachers taught me back...
Looking at a Vince Carter Picture
Here's what I was thinking when I found this photograph of Vince Carter: (scrolls down)
Christmas Suggestions: Charity Events
Dudes and dudettes, Christmas is fast approaching, and even though it's not even Halloween yet, you need to start thinking about what kind of presents you are going to buy the NBA fan in your life. Because my taste is impeccable (seriously, people have tried to pecc it, which has...
Brad Miller Watch: In the Community
The latest in Brad Miller ephemera...Seems like a scary bro who just wants to be nice to youngsters.
Joe Smith Template
Hey dudes. I was reading the Internet last night, and I made it about halfway through when I came upon something pretty wacky. As you probably know, Joe Smith has played for a ton of basketball teams. This year, he's going to be a Hawk, which is his tenth team. That makes his team...
Juwan Howard Attends Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp
Hi, I'm Phil Jackson of Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp. I like to eat beans. But I also like teaching acting. Nothing beats the thrill of teaching a youngster how to act like something else, except for winning NBA championships. That's number one. But after that, teaching...
What Is In Carlos Boozer's Box?
Way to go Carlos Boozer! You found...Balloon BoyStephon MarburyLifetime supply of extra-strength Nair for MenBeard trimmerWhoopPicture of Talia ShireHuman headPrime rib and peppercorn sub from QuiznosBook he ordered from Amazon a few weeks ago that he forgot aboutCar adapters for...
My First Acting Role
As y'all know, I've been trying to break in to 'show business' for quite some time. In February of last year, I wrote/directed/produced/starred in The Brad Miller Show (returning SOON, probably) which was a pretty big hit on the Internet. A lot of people compared it...
A Few Replacement Referees Hold a Meeting
Shh shhh. Here comes Todd.Are you serious? That guy is driving me insane.Hey guys! Let's call some FOULS!Hey, Todd.Hey.Fouls, guys! Let's call 'em. (whistles) Illegal strutting. That's not a thing.Psssht. (whistles) Inadvertent silliness.C'mon, Todd.(whistles...
Brad Miller Watch: In Da Club
The latest in Brad Miller ephemera...Seems like a chill bro who's down to hit the club after a day on the links.Previously
Life at the Blowtorch School for NBA Children
After the success of my in-home consultations, I decided to offer another service to NBA players. Since they are so busy travelling from city to city, we've opened a sort of hostel for the children of the athletes. Their packed schedules don't allow them enough time to see...
Big Up Yourself, Christopher Columbus
Sup bros. No basketball jokes today. I'm busy ollie-ing some indy nosebones and grinding rails. Might throw a method air in there a little later, but I'm not sure. Just typical skateboarding stuff. You understand.
There He Is
Don't worry guys, I found Sam Perkins. Turns out he stole Busta Rhymes's identity and went to the Great Wall of China with Dave Chappelle. Typical Sam Perkins.
Shavlik Randolph is Feelin' It
Oh yeah, Shav. Shoot those free throws. Your free throw game is looking tyte, bro. You know it too. I see you, pursing your lips trying to act all nonchalant when it's pretty obvious that this is your thing. Free throws, man. Child's play.The haircut, the scraggly armpit hair...
Communication Problems in Los Angeles
Ron, we on the same team. You don't have to guard me anymore.Knees bent. See the ball. On the line, up the line.Ron, did you hear me? Stop guarding me.I miss you, Michael. I miss you so much.Stephen Jackson is under the basket shooting a layup right now.I'ma boil me some boot...
My Newest Clients
As y'all know, my house is a happening place. As the headquarters for Blowtorch Consulting, we were proud to host BDLCON 2k9. Fans from as far as Indiana, Canada, and Illinois flocked to Illinois to watch television and make jokes. We were pretty pleased with the turn-out.We did...
NBA Style Report - October 2009
Dirk NowitzkiWalter Herrmann is like "nice hair." Then he rolled his eyes and palmed two basketballs in the same hand.DOWNGRADE Rasheed WallaceFor 63 years the Celtics have been a world class organization from the front office to the uniforms. Then they signed Sheed and told...
Brad Miller Watch: At Camp
The latest in Brad Miller ephemera... Seems like a chill Air Force 1 bro who's down to ice his knees and take a nap after a long practice.
Introducing Dontaye Draper
This is Dontaye Draper. He's currently playing for the Nuggets in the preseason, but he probably won't make the team because he's not great at basketball. And that's too bad, really.I heard that he has whole-heartedly embraced the dress code. When he travels to games...
My Newest Product
This is something I've been working on for just about two years, and it's just now time to release it. Remember draft night, 2007? I bet you do for one reason. His name is Joakim Bertram Noah. He looked like this:But also, he looked like this later on: Ponytailed.Obviously...
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