LATEST STORIES FROM CELTICS DOOM
...but the Dance Squad is certain to entertain
For many, the highlight of last season was the night Doc had intestinal distress and had to sit on a toilet in the locker room while the Celtics lost to the Hawks, giving birth to the most apt nickname in sports, "Shits Rivers." It was a moment of grand absurdity and embarrassment that served as a p...
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April 21, 2008
Discuss
Uncomfortably Numb
Highly respected Celtics Doom'er "Anonymous" expressed boredom with this interminable summer and asked for some discussion fodder on where the Celtics stand as of this moment, particularly if this hapless crew as currently composed can make the playoffs. This offseason has been difficult to write ab...
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February 10, 2008
Trouble Every Day
First of all, sorry for yet again falling off the face of the planet, but this summer is going to probably have a couple more sudden mini-sabbaticals. Big changes are in the works, including relocation, career re-evaluation and reconciliatory gestures with angry kinda-ex-girlfriends. As always, I b...
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February 09, 2008
2006 in Rear View - Part One
The most surprising aspect of the Celtics 2005/2006 season is that it was even worse than most people were expecting. For a team that entered the season with every pre-emptive excuse imaginable already siphoned out to the media and fan-base in an effort to reduce expectation, they still managed to be...
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February 09, 2008
Wyc Eats the Soul
A classic late season debacle that found thousands of Boston area fans who forked over good money to watch LeBron James and (too a much lesser extent) Paul Pierce, instead subjected to a grueling paint-by-numbers crap-a-thon between the Celtics and Cavaliers supporting casts. I watched parts of the ...
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February 09, 2008
2006 Season in Rear View - part 2 "What Went Right"
Here I am sitting in the aftermath of a grotesque Preakness Stakes with many jotted notes and half-finished articles about the Celtics 2005/06, and very little by way of actual coherence. Fittingly, much like the team itself, everything I write about them seems disjointed, unclear and uninspired. P...
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February 08, 2008
The Saddest Music In The Wyc
I'm sick to my stomach. Last night was easily the worst I've felt about this team since the Vin Baker trade. We had a chance at establishing a young, solid backcourt of Brandon Roy (or Foye) and Marcus Williams (to go along with Delonte and Gerald Green), and instead wound up with two undersized po...
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January 31, 2008
"Taint that a shame" - Lakers 122 Celtics 96
A grim lesson in the ugly realities of the NBA food chain, tonight the Lakers abused the hapless Celtics with such ease and facility that it truly seemed as if they were playing two different sports. For the Lakers, it was professional basketball â€" with their workmanlike squad of NBA journeymen sur...
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January 27, 2008
Like Money, Like Envy
At this point in the season, what can one say about a meaningless five point loss to the Pacers? The best I can muster is: it wasn't completely excruciating. We saw lots of offense, a semi-exciting semi-comeback at the end, and numerous Gerald Green highlights. It barely even registered throughout th...
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January 26, 2008
The Price is Never Right
And so we reach the beginning of the very end.The Celtics have locked up Paul Pierce to a mammoth contract extension, a move based on little more than Wyc Grousbeck's stubborn belief that a franchise is better served by a recognizable face putting asses in seats than it is by an honest rebuilding eff...
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January 25, 2008
Notes From The Final Whimper
And so the Celtics 2005/2006 season came to an end with a truly fitting whimper - a draft-position-jeopardizing victory against the few brave souls on the Miami Heat roster cajoled into taking the court and risking serious injury days before the start of the playoffs. Thanks to them, the thousands o...
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January 25, 2008
whore nets a loss
C's honor the memory of Red Auerbach and inaugurate the 2006/07 season in the most fitting way possible ??" a loss at home to a lottery team. The Sebastian Telfair era begins in earnest with a veteran-type contribution of 5 points 1 assist and 2 turnovers. Meanwhile Brandon Roy already has 6 points ...
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January 25, 2008
So wrong it's right
Thank you Coc!The ethics of this stuff be damned. If we needed to suffer through this ghastly season, at least there should be the hope of reward.CelticsDoom salutes, in particular, the use of the handy old "cut inside the mouth" as the most emasculating and imaginative faux-injury possible to foist...
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January 25, 2008
Like Saw II, only more pointless
A languid victory in Toronto that did little more than weaken our draft position and prove that even 124-120 games can be boring as fuck. Tonight we saw two teams playing pretty much just to avoid injury, providing the assembled dozens all the intensity of an exhibition and enough sloppiness to inclu...
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January 25, 2008
Insert Shit-Talk Here
The great Marcel Mutoni was nice enough to include my hastily assembled thoughts on this brutal disaster of a Celtics team in his Slam Online preview thingy. The hate has already started flowing from the Kool Aid Kids, so feel free to contribute below.As for me, sorry about the long delay, but I'm s...
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January 22, 2008
The Young and the Worthless
The grim summer of 2006 continues with the underwhelming-yet-apt news that summer league wash-out Kevin Pittsnoggle will soon throw his hat in the ring to vie for the title of Celtics "minimum wage roster filler" du jour. It is classic Ainge marginalia, a heavily tattooed shiny object to dazzle the f...
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January 05, 2008
Give it away, give it away
A classic loss that contained all the elements of what we know now as "the story of 2005/2006." The mentally anemic Celtics blew a double digit lead in the fourth and gift wrapped the Bulls a one game swing in their quest for the final playoff spot in the East. In a contest that supposedly "meant som...
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December 24, 2007
Anything Worse Would Be The Knicks
We don't often see the Celtics on the friendly side of a blowout, but it turns out this rarest of occurrences is characterized primarily by lots and lots of Wally Szczerbiak hyper high-fiving. So yes, indeed, tonight we saw plenty of them as the Celtics bested the only team in the league that regular...
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December 24, 2007
Pick My Ass
The Boston Globe ran a piece recently wherein Celtics staff writers uniformly opined that the Celtics should trade the 7th pick in the upcoming NBA draft, stating that the Celtics are already "too young" and should move this pick for a "proven veteran." This story was not earth shattering, it simply...
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December 19, 2007
Are you smarter than Paul Pierce?
Fresh dispatch from putative television comedy writer and CelticsDoom intern George Meyer! George writes:“Chesty, Ran afoul of the thought police in the form of Bob ‘Opus’ Day and Roy Hobs, two surly thugs who trample on free expression like so many drunken elephants on a highway of frozen rum (sic). As a fellow Californian, I implore you to stop setting staring at the fires...
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March 31, 2007
Tanks for Nothing
Contrary to popular belief, I want the Celtics to succeed. But I do have a tough time swallowing the idea that beating San Antonio for the first time in 17 years stands as any kind of meaningful development. To me, it never was anything more than a weird statistic that served as an example of how the lottery plays a huge role in building a winning NBA franchise.So in that sense,...
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March 19, 2007
Kings of the Road Loss
We missed the game, of course, but Intern Bob Dylan reports –“Were no Kings on the court tonight. Just two losing teams smacking each other in the head until one got too dizzy to stand. Gerald Green wore a golden bib from his pie eating contest and showed he ain’t learned a thing about baking bread. Of course this team already has its share of bakers and candlestick makers...
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February 21, 2007
Kiss my assets
Few things in life are as dispiriting as being patronized by the dim witted and wealthy, so news that Wyc Grousbeck was handing out free “inspirational” literature to the Celtics squad during their recent losing streak, struck us hard here at the nearly abandoned CelticsDoom HQ. We needed to respond quickly and without equivocation, so we’ve dispatched our new intern Dr. Bob...
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February 17, 2007
Spam is the idle man's big night on the town
Now that we know everything we need about cardiologists and Pinochet...Anyway, I don't know what that was all about. I assume it's a disgruntled Kool-aid'er, perhaps "Gant,"expressing through performance art his distaste over watching a mid-lottery "team" flail around on the basketball court in a grim impersonation of 11 brain damaged hamsters, a zombie, and a declining Paul Pierce...
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November 28, 2006
Differential Diagnosis
We knew it was going to be ugly this season, but who’d have predicted that the Celtics would develop into a collection of medical mysteries so bizarre that even TV's “House” and his crack staff would be perplexed? CelticsDoom presents, as a public health service, the following diagnoses for our ailing squad in green.Telfailure – “Bronchospasms,” and an obvious lack of...
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November 13, 2006
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