LATEST STORIES FROM DISTINGUISHED SENATORS
Is It Just Me, Or Did It Get A Little Less Fat In Here?
August 31, 2009 by
Distinguished Senators
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Yeah, a little. On balance, we're still fatter than we were two weeks ago.
Is It Just Me, Or Did It Get Fatter In Here?
August 26, 2009 by
Distinguished Senators
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It ain't just me!
SAM Missile
July 28, 2009 by
Distinguished Senators
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I still haven't magically developed the coding ability to put that damn poem in a format that doesn't take up the entirety of the front page and the July archive, so hold on. But I totally looked at a Nats-related thing today (lay off, man. I just picked up Wii Sports Resort...
Y is for Youth
July 22, 2009 by
Distinguished Senators
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Y is for Youth, that’s the Plan that we followThough the record we have makes it tougher to swallowWe’re better than last year, if I may be so boldWe still lose all the time, but at least we’re not oldZ is for Z-Men(n) – we’ve two of them nowR. at the corner, J. on the moundBy...
Postponed for the Start of the Riggleman Era
July 15, 2009 by
Distinguished Senators
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I'm going to finish this thing next week. I just realized that I have to go to an actual Nats game tomorrow, and preparing for that's interfering with my usual poetical routine of absinthe, opium, and RhymeZone.com, the rhyming dictionary. So stay tuned, and does anyone have...
W's for W
July 14, 2009 by
Distinguished Senators
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W’s for W, red, white, and curly(My cap is a pink one – don’t say it’s girly)We should be careful – it might mean tall greenIf the lawyers decide we stole it from WalgreensX is for Treasure, cause X marks the spotBad teams get good draft picks and good teams do notOur death...
U is for Unicorn
July 13, 2009 by
Distinguished Senators
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U is for Unicorn, rarest of creaturesA horn and not existing are its greatest featuresThe odds of you finding one out in the woodsAre the same as the Nats being any damn goodV is for Victory, that slippery dameShe doesn’t come ‘round much at Nationals gamesJust when you think that...
S is for Strasburg
July 09, 2009 by
Distinguished Senators
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S is for Strasburg, whose bonus will floor usThat's what you get when you roll with Scott BorasI can't say I care - he's not after my moneyBut you can see how the Lerners don't think it's funnyT is for Trees, our fine cherry blossomsThe first week of the season...
Q is for Quaff
July 08, 2009 by
Distinguished Senators
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Q is for Quaff (that's a dork word for "drink")The Nats are more fun when you’re too drunk to thinkAnother Q word, one that here fits right in:The Quinine in tonic, which goes with your ginR is for Reds, where our players come fromPena and Kearns, also Lopez and DunnWe...
O's for the O's
July 07, 2009 by
Distinguished Senators
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O's for the O's, our orange friends up the roadWhose owner, it happens, is a godawful toadWe've got little to boast when it’s time to get hatin'But as bad as things are, our owner's not SatanP is for Presidents running aroundThey get your hopes up, but then Teddyâ€...
M is for Milledge
July 06, 2009 by
Distinguished Senators
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M is for Milledge, aspiring rapperWhose baseball career has gone down the crapperIt was bad before, now it’s worse by a bitWe sent him to Pittsburgh for a guy who can’t hitN is for Nick, with his nifty moustachesThe baseballs he fields, the baseballs he bashes!Enjoy while you can...
M is for . . . Let Me Get Back To You On That
June 28, 2009 by
Distinguished Senators
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I'm going on vacation, so you'll have to wait a week for the resumption of the triumphant Nationals alphabet. I apologize for any weeping and depression that may ensue, but it's not like I can throw off my gauntlets in the middle of a LARP and drop internet rhymes on everyone.
K is for Kontrived
June 25, 2009 by
Distinguished Senators
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K is for striKeout, which means it’s for DunnStrike three sailing by him – that’s not very funAs bad as that is, it’s nothing at allTo Dunn in the outfield, dropping the ballL is for Lannan, our top lefty hurlerWith eyebrows so long he could use a hair curlerBatters may be...
I is for Interim
June 24, 2009 by
Distinguished Senators
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I is for Interim, like our GMWill Mike Rizzo stay on the job in the end?I can think of one good reason he'll get the spot:Just not being Jim Bowden counts for a lotJ’s for the Journalists who cover our teamThe fans thirst for content, and they produce reamsThe season is long...
G is for Guillen
June 23, 2009 by
Distinguished Senators
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G is for Guillen, from back in the dayA hot-headed fellow indeed was JoseBodes brought him in – I don’t think he was kidding –Based on his skillfulness at babysittingH is Hernandez, my main man LivanWho’s been growing sideways since he has been goneHe’s not very good –...
E is for Expos
June 22, 2009 by
Distinguished Senators
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E is for Expos, our Frenchy forebearersWho decamped to the south for a ballpark much fairerSince then they’ve performed with a maladroit touchJe regrette, Montréal, but you ain’t missing muchF is for Flores, poached from the MetsWhich adds to the long list of that team’s regretsWe’ve...
C is for Cristian
June 21, 2009 by
Distinguished Senators
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C is for Cristian (no H in his name)We used to be better when he came up lameHe’s now got new eyeballs, new shoulder, new spleenHe’s a whole new ballplayer – is he man or machine?D is for Dibble, with his World Series RingHe played the game; that’s why he’s got the blingIf...
A is for Acta
June 18, 2009 by
Distinguished Senators
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I think it's time for a little culture around here. Let's begin!A is for Acta, our soon former bossEvery win to his credit, to his debit each lossAdd these things up and it’s quite plain to seeThat he won’t be around by the time we hit ZB is for Bowden, or Bodes to his...
Tank!
June 15, 2009 by
Distinguished Senators
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Manny Acta's still the manager, and I think I've figured out why. Obviously, management doesn't think he contributes to winning games. Why else would they let it be known, in their typically loathsome, passive-aggressive manner, that they're going to fire him?But now...
It's A Hollow Snarl
June 11, 2009 by
Distinguished Senators
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Hey Dibble, what happened to edgy?Remember that laughable slapfight the Robs Dibble and Neyer got into earlier this week? R-Dibbs seems to have scrubbed it from his Twitter. It happened June 7, but check it now. On the 6th we get a telegram dispatch from the last good Nats game: John...
Signability!
June 10, 2009 by
Distinguished Senators
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Look, I don't know nothing about no draft. I'm just as elated about the start of the Drew Storen Era as the rest of you, but I'm pretty clueless beyond that. That's what this guy does, and let's all be glad he's there.The story that seems to be coming out of...
Beef: It's What's For Lunch
June 08, 2009 by
Distinguished Senators
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So many stupid things happen to the Nats that I forget probably half of them. Here's another one to throw on the pile.D.C. Fire Chief Dennis L. Rubin yesterday ordered that all fireworks displays at Washington Nationals games be suspended until a safety review can be conducted...
That's Cool; Bring A Lunch
June 04, 2009 by
Distinguished Senators
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In my office, we rely on daily calendars to amuse ourselves because the alternative is me complaining about the Nats all day. I have a baseball calendar, replete with birthdays and impossible trivia questions. One coworker has a trivia calendar - each day brings a new question about...
St. Claire the Thaumaturge
June 02, 2009 by
Distinguished Senators
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You could argue that in the history of the Washington Nationals, Randy St. Claire was the only member of the non-playing part of the team that ever did a damn bit of good for anyone. We've had terrible hitting coaches, bad managers, and worse GMs. We always had a good pitching...
I Before E
June 01, 2009 by
Distinguished Senators
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On Friday I donned native garb and went to walk among the infidel in Baltimore. It was a special occasion - the arrival of Matt Wieters. Maybe you heard something about it.Once I got accustomed to the weird accents and garish orange garb of the natives, I realized something: I was...
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